188. anniversary

my diarys one year anniversary is tomorrow..

and honestly every fucking entry now has scottys fucking name in it.

all over this damn diary.

i feel so dumb. so stupid. i feel that each day gets worse.. and worse.

this doesnt feel right. i feel fucked up. numb but not numb. just not all there.. completely out of it.

im jumpy. im bleeding on and off. ive been puking. ive been sick.

i cant seem to stop being sick

and the worst part of all of this is.. ive said all of my peace to scotty.. i typed every whole truth out on a text message and realized i knew all along how unbelievably RIGHT i was about him.. and i sat there and took it.. because i didnt care.. i just wanted him.

ive said so much SHIT today in a text message.. maybe twenty paragraphs.. of how much this guy doesnt have a heart..

i felt better for THREE seconds..

im absolutely crushed. im driving myself insane. im crying constantly to my friends.. i feel like a lost puppy. i feel so dumb.. so alone.. so useless. so used.

im so frustrated and angry with myself that i wish i wont wake up.

everything reminds me of him..

fucking EVERYTHING.

and here i am.. blabbing abouthim

when really i just want him. i miss him.. i hate me for him hating me.

even tho his words are false. hes full of shit. and he knows it.

i just wish it didnt end so fucking horrible.

i dont want to count days on of how long its been since ive talked to him..

i dont want to wonder if he will ever attempt to call me.. or ever run into me again..

i know i shouldnt care.. but im killing myself caring so hard.

i love him too hard

god this sucks.

-L