162. Joke

I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m the butt of everyone’s joke.

Well I did break the viscous Scotty cycle and I fucked Charlie.

Charlies a great guy. But his persona of his life completely sucks. I mean by all means do what you do. But he is more depressed than me. I know I’m using sex to whore around because I’m depressed from the way I’ve been treated. But he’s fucking random girls close to every other day.

And that part shocked me after hearing it. I grew disgusted that I slept with him.

I was confused the whole time we had sex. He ate me out.. Which I’m not used to because Scotty never does. But it wasn’t even worth it. I had no connection. It was almost like the drunk me acted like I enjoyed it.

When we did fuck I was on the bottom. It was probably ten minutes. He didn’t cum and I faked one so he would get off of me.

I didn’t black out but it’s almost like my mind is forcing me to forget that stupid detail. It was retarded. Our conversation was better connecting to the topic then us connecting.

He kind of treated me like a guy. Like his boy. His friend. And it disgusted me. What’s worse is it made me think of Scotty. And my whole body ached missing him. I just don’t feel right.

I don’t feel sane.

I think Scotty and I are done. He never calls me back. He never replies to texts.. And when he does text he says he’s busy. He obviously doesn’t care. He says he doesn’t know when he will see me.

He clearly doesn’t like me anymore. I’ve decided to delete his number. Just everything to get him out of my life. I need to stop caring and stop thinking so much about him. I just feel so alone. I feel like if I cry Im not going to stop.

It’s heartbreaking I feel like scottys dumping me trying let me down easy and hopefully I drift apart. Or forget about him like he wants.

I’m crushed. That’s all I think is that he doesn’t even have five minutes to talk to me. Thirty seconds to even dial my number. To even push a button.

I’m devastated. And sleeping with Charlie just made my expectations for myself even lower than they already are. I need to move away from these people. I’m afraid of what crazy thing I’m going to commit next.

I’m out of control. I’m forcing myself to believe the worst scenarios possible of what is happening with Scotty. And as much as I hoped to be wrong. I think I’m right. He used me. He got bored with me. Tired of the real me. Didn’t like me. And then slowly stopped talking to me. Now instead of leading me on. He’s leading me off.

I feel so boring and so pathetic to my own life. I don’t understand how I could hate myself this much.

Why am I craving so badly to be someone else. Why do i always have to be alone and unloved.

Holy fuck this sucks.

-L