149. bitch is whipped.

thank you for everyones notes on my last entry..

as for negativecreep.. this isn’t directed all towards you.. but to everyone who reads me.

i am well aware my addiction to scotty. its hard to say no. i never say no to him. and i do do whatever he wants. i want everyone to know that i DO tell myself every day to leave him. every phone call or text from rikki.. i want to leave him. even so much when he puts me second best or third on his list. i KNOW this. i KNOW its killing me. and it really hurts. someone once told me that the negativity in our relationship weighs more than our happy times.

i completely disagree. thats the whole problem with us. we get over everything too quickly. BOTH of us. i have pushed scotty to the edge before.. to the point he’s wanted to strangle me. to where he ignored me for weeks. and we have both come to the conclusion that i cover up my feelings over him with alcohol. he calls me an alcoholic every time he sees me or hears that im drinking. the problem with us is that i want TOO much of him. with everything. i want time. i want sex. i want boring stuff.. i want rikki to disappear. i want this that and this. yet.. i KNOW he can’t give me everything i want. but believe me when i say.. he does work hard on putting a smile on my face.

also.. i want to do literally EVERYTHING for him. and honestly the only reason for that is.. i want to see him happy. we have both talked about our relationship from top to bottom. ive come to realize i am a needy person when it comes to someone i like. i do get excited every time my phone rings from him.. every text message from him.. even if someone says his name i smile.

i know this is unhealthy. i know my moods are up and down.. i know that neither of us are happy in our positions.. but whats really important.. and the MOST important.. is that when we are together.. we are SO happy. i could scream at rikki every detail of our relationship and piss him off.. make him furious.. if he was face to face with me.. no way in hell would he be mad. and looking at myself in past experiences i am the exact same way. i melt.. i turn to jello when he so much touches me.. or even looks at me.

and really.. to most people who observe scotty and i.. assume he is just using me. for whatever.. rides.. cigarettes.. weed.. money.. sex.. head.. someone to beat on. in no way am i trying to defend him.. but the money is mutual. in fact. to weigh our how much he has spent on me and how much ive spent on him through out the years.. in no way am i even close to him. hes spent a lot of money on me. especially.. when i was unemployed for eight months with NO income at all. im aware i have a good paying job now.. its hard to save.. i have a lot of bills a lot of court payments.. a lot of shit. every dollar he has borrowed he has paid back.

another thing i wanted to say. is that i have this urge to feel like a whore with him. for some reason during sex i want him to treat me like he’s using me. like im worthless. like he doesn’t care. he’s asked me several times why i want it that way. i really don’t know. i like when he puts pain on me through sex. it feels good. its probably the reason why we are how we are.. and why everyone assumes that hes just using me. my readers are the only ones that know details of my sex life with him.. which is probably why it appears that im treated so horribly by him.. when really.. its excitement to me.

our friends in michigan do not have details of our lives.. except mostly my best friend. but even she doesn’t know half of whats in this diary. i understand if you don’t support this type of relationship. when i try to view my diary as someone else’s.. i DO think that this bitch is fuckin crazy. i really don’t know why.. but i feel.. SO good around him. its a high. a HUGE high. and when were having sex.. he reads my mind. he explores more with me.

i do hate scotty sometimes. i feel like screaming sometimes because of him. i tell myself to leave him every day. he is a bad habit for me. an addiction. heroin. its way easier said than done. and at this point in our relationship.. we’ve got a whole list of things we want to do together.. leaving him now would just pull the cord on most of the activities ive always dreamed of with him. i want all of those things.. i do want his time.. most of all i want him to be happy.. and if i make him happy then i love being with him. i just want to point out to you that my happiness is way more important than his. he doesn’t want to drag me down. he doesn’t want me sad or upset. i know this. and a lot of people can’t stand scotty. not that i feel bad for him.. but a LOT of people in michigan.. mostly my male aquaintences hate him. i would too! it looks so BAD. but it feels SO good. everyone thinks im getting treated like shit from him.. when really. its me whos treating myself like shit.

i hope this cleared a few things up. and also.. about the threesome.. I was asked to participate with a couple. and of course i immediately agreed… then.. i asked scotty to join me. and he was instantly down for whatever i wanted. this threesome isn’t his random idea.. its what I want.

i hope everyone whos been reading me for a while understands that in no way am i trying to defend him.. but im not blaming all of this on him. i do love him. and for some strange reason.. i like getting treated horribly in bed. i guess thats my fetish? who knows. i have to have rough sex. i need pain in my life.. him and i out in public.. is a completely different story.

and yes. he could be winning an oscar right now for acting and playing games lying to me about his emotions or what his purpose is with me. we might not go anywhere.. but really no one knows the future. and if he is acting and lying through this relationship.. i hope i don’t find out. but so far.. ive sensed a lot of honesty from him.. and thats just what im feeling.

and negativecreep.. i wanted you to know that i respect your notes.. and hope this didn’t offend you. i understand if some of you or even all of you don’t support my relationship with scotty. no one supports our relationship really. except him and i. looking at our whole relationship i feel like i run the show for the most part. now in the sex life. the rough sex isn’t an act to keep him around. he’s well aware that if he wants to go he’s free any time. same applies to me. we’ve been close to splitting up. but i guess those times weren’t close enough. i do love him. and i do believe he loves me as well.. maybe not as much.. but i am in his heart somewhere. i do believe he is addicted to me. i do feel affection. he does things that make me feel like he loves me. i just had to spit all this out..

on to my entry..

last night i worked from 12-9.. made a shit load of money.. scotty texted me the entire time through work.. he told me he took the night off and would wait for me at kimmi’s.. and that i could have him all night since he’s taking his children to cedar point on thursday. when i got him we went to my aunts and got high. i drank a beer that i had bought for joe and beckys last weekend. he didn’t feel like drinking.. when we left we had no were to go.. and me still bleeding.. a room just didn’t sound worth it.. he told me we didn’t have to do anything every time we got a room. and im a hornball. i always want sex.

i really shouldn’t have been born a girl since im addicted to sex. well sex with him..

the fact he wanted to spend the night with me made me feel good.. so we got a room.. i went to the store and picked up honey jack daniels.. he wasn’t planning on drinking but he did drink with me since we didn’t have weed. there were cops EVERYwhere. we mustve seen at least 15 on the way to the room. getting to the room he kissed me and i bought a scratchoff from the store so i scratched hoping to win money and he laid down watching tv. i poured ourselves a drink and laid down on his chest.. we watched tv for an hour.. then i grabbed his face to kiss me.. and he shoved his huge hand on my face that completely covered my face. he was crackin up.. then he pinned me down and tickled me.. he was cracking up. i couldn’t breathe.. i begged him to stop and he kept going as i tried squirming out of his grip.. then i climbed on top of him wrapped my legs around him and his feet were hanging off the bed.. he bent me all the way backwards where my head was less than an inch from the floor freaking me out.. still laughing at me.. he laid next to me after we were out of breath. i couldnt even watch tv i was so happy.

i started teasing him. he gripped up my hair and told me "just because you’re on the rag doesn’t mean you’re not getting treated like a fuckin whore tonight" i love how that mood instantly changes.to fuck mode. i went outside to charge my phone in my car. and he was sitting behind the door scaring me when i walked in.. i put his dick in my mouth then pulled it out acting like i was done.. he took his belt off and started whipping my ass with it. i laugh at him when he tries to be serious and pissed.. i watch him try not to smile at me. and he always does.. so cute. i decided not to tease him any longer and gave him head. oh how i love that dick.

he was standing up at the end of the bed while i was on the bed blowing him.. everytime he pushed my head down i pulled off.. he grabbed the belt and whipped my ass.. i pushed him off again and he wrapped the belt around my neck.. "you done fightin with me bitch?" i lasted three more whips and finally complied.

he sat down on the couch and demanded me to crawl to him.. i did.. everytime i gagged he whipped me.. "ill leave welts on your ass all night" after a while he grabbed my neck and threw me on the bed.. climbed on top of me and face fucked me.. "are you ready for your present?" my voice was muffled by his dick "i cant fuckin hear you.." i tried saying yes.. damn im getting wet just typing this. then he came down my throat..

it was so good. even though i hate being on the rag. for real.. we laid there cuddling and i told him he was getting 25 to life.. that im calling rape.. he told me he would kill me and id be floating in the detroit river.. and all of the witnesses will say i begged scotty for welts and bruises. we’re so fuckin weird.

he left and picked up a blunt for us. i let him take my car.. i texted rikki "i got him" and she went ballistic. lmfao.

he came back we smoked.. we laid there.. i started falling asleep.. he told me to go to sleep and he stayed up watching tv.. when i fell asleep i woke up in the middle of the night with the tv off.. and he was gone. there was no scotty. i started crying.. flung my hand over and he was on the other side of me sleeping.. didnt even realize he switched sides.. right before he told me to get some sleep he told me he wanted me to fall asleep so he can sneak out and leave me.. and i woke up and thought he was really gone.. what a fucker.

he used me as a pillow throughout the morning.. it was cute.. i missed my doctors appointment.. going tomorrow to get on birth control and stop this heavy bleeding dumb shit. ugh.

but that hotel room was worth it. im so happy..

so anyway.. BIG day today.. got therapy.. and then work 5 to close.. ill be reading everyone in the mean time. i love you all!

-L