144. stress

i just noticed that i haven’t updated in a week. so sad.. i need to keep going. ive been starting entries.. then just erasing them.. no motivation to finish them.. im completely overwhelmed with anything.

but id like to point out that i have changed around my diary.. my intervention. is changed to toxic diaster… i have just recently upgraded to OD+ which im excited for.. changed the front page.. and the colors.

work has been good for the most part. i just got paid.. but i am watching quickly how fast ive been spending it here and there.

i went out on a date.. his name is clark. very cute. very sweet. i enjoyed myself the entire time…

yet…

i still managed to squeeze some attention to scotty.

thursday i woke up to scottys house calling me.. i answered.. then he quickly said he would call me right back.. ten minutes went buy.. i answered.. and got hung up on. i told myself whatever and laid back down.. then my phone rings again.. i answer and its scotty.. i asked him why he hung up on me.. and he said he didnt.. he sounded hesitant at first but then he asked me if i could come pick him up and take him and ian to jeffs before he leaves for cleveland. i said yeah ill come get you.. then..

"OH NO I DONT FUCKING THINK SO SCOTTY"

rikki listened to the phone conversation. i hung up. i was so happy she listened to that. then rikki started blowing up my phone sending me crazy texts.. so i just smacked the call control app on her. =]

then a few hours after that scotty call me off of his cell phone.. he told me he was at point west.. leaving shortly for cleveland for two days.. i came to see him.. around 2 or 3. i was already dressed for my date with clark at 7. i looked damn fine. i seen scottys eyes move all the way down and back up to my eyes. he hugged me.. we smoked a joint together with ian and kimmi. he said he was hungry and i took him to get some food.. we stopped at a coney isand.. he opened the door for me.. i didn’t eat anything.. but we had our conversation.. every time im in scottys presence i can’t stop smiling.

i never mentioned to scotty i had a date at 7.. scotty left at 615.. i planned on getting a little more prettier before my date.. like eyebrows waxed.. time to do make up. but instead i stayed grounded next to scotty.. because i knew i was going to miss him.. why does he look so GOOD.

when he left he kissed me and said he would call me as usual..

then it was out to my date.. i was a little late putting the make up on in the car.. i know.. how classy. when i get inside.. the bar looks fantastic. i seen him sitting there after walking in and sat next to him. he was drinking coffee. i ordered a 6 dollar drink. which im sure shocked him. but i was nervous.. and i felt weird after seeing scotty and not mentioning to him i had a date.. and it felt weird being on a date with a really sweet guy after i just let my ex distract me towards his way..

but anyway.. the date went GOOD.. conversation went completely fine.. scotty did call me.. i ignored it tho. i could tell he was enjoying himself.. and as was i. he didnt drink.. i drank 3 of those 6 dollar drinks. what somewhat bothered me is that he requested separate tab. that made me kind of feel like he expected me to ask him to pay for my shit. but whatever i whipped out my card before he did.. so i got over it. another thing that bothered me is that he delayed texting me. like hours of delay.. idk.. its like someone asks someone else a question.. three hours later you get the answer.. like really?

after we left the bar i went straight to my aunts and got high.. then agreed to meet at bumpers for dollar beers. clark said he would meet me up there.. when i got to the bar pete bought me a shot and two beers.. i ended up paying for my tab AGAIN.. and even giving clark a few dollars for pool.. really? maybe im just a drunk.. but to me idk.. that just looks bad.

but i did have fun.. i went home and passed the fuck out.

friday i took my aunt around noon to social security.. scotty was texting me from 9 in the morning.. these texts were jaw dropping.. like he was inside my head. we racked up over 200 texts between us in an hour.. felt stupid just melting into him all over..

he asked me if i would see him at 2am at my house when he would get back from cleveland. i said of course i would.. then after i get off work.. scotty and i come up with this big plan for me to drive to cleveland and stay the night with him there.. and we would drive back together in the morning.. as crazy as that sounded.. after work i picked up as much drugs as i could find.. and took off two hours to see him.

it felt like three years ago.. just so anxious to see him.. counting down minutes to be in his arms.. trying not to focus on the time because im so excited wanting time to go even faster so i can just be there.. and when i get there.. left the door open for me..

last night was incredible. he made everything feel amazing. he held me.

it was just too amazing.. every second of us alone.. was just so intoxicating.

i need rehab.

-L