143. savior

thursday was the worst day beyond belief..

before work i read on rikki’s facebook that she scotty and their kids were eating at the avenue. i was completely stunned. after he had just borrowed money from me.. and has been so busy. i was pissed from the start. i had to work at 5. i texted scotty if he could give me some money since i had no gas in my car. as i was getting ready for work he called me.

i kept asking him over and over what he was doing. he said he had money for me but he was in plymouth and he wouldnt be around til 5. he could hear my irritation. i was so pissed. so what the fuck am i gonna do then? with no money but whatever the store loans me to pay off at the end of the night. he said he would call me and try to drop money off to me some how maybe if i was on a run or he would drop off money for me at my store.

so i hung up. i was infuriated. i kept telling myself aint no way he will give me money.. then it gets even WORSE!

my first three deliveries were cash. and when i got back.. i was short twenty dollars. i owed my boss twenty dollars after delivering three orders who seemed to have tipped me. so A.. i either lost the money in the wind.. or B.. someone fucking jipped me. we were so busy and my boss felt so horrible for me.. the whole store did. i looked like an idiot searching my car for lost money. i was so pissed.. on my next delivery out i texted scotty what happened.. then i called my mom.. and just immediately lost control. i balled my eyes out in the car crying. i couldnt breathe right. i was so emotional..

as im talking to my mom scotty clicked in.. i answered it..

hello?
"lin stop crying.. cmon stop.. what happened"
i lost money i have no gas in the car everythings so fucked im so fucked
"youre not fucked where are you?"
im going to wayne and palmer to drop pizza off.
"call me as soon as youre done deliverin pizza and meet me at the BP at your work and ill give you money.. you gotta hurry though im gonna be late for work.. stop crying"
okay..

i got back on with my mom and told her scotty was meeting me to drop money off for me. when i got to the gas station he walked up to me and handed me $50. i put twenty in my tank.. he gave me a hug and kissed my neck.. and said he had to go he was going to be late.. i got back in my car and went on with my day..

without his save.. id be lost.

at the end of the night after close i met petey up at bumpers.. i texted scotty and thanked him so much and that he made my day a lot more easier to go through.. as soon as i walked into bumpers scotty called me.. and we talked for about ten minutes.. he was telling me that he rushed me off the phone earlier (when i was getting ready for work all pissed off) that he was in plymouth getting drugs.. which i believe.. he mustve ate with rikki and the kids then booked off to make more money through his drugs. he apologized and said he would let me have some because its selling so fast. i havent had yay in so long. him talking about it made me happy. i thanked him again for paying me and he told me "dont worry about it. if i was in that situation you would do the same for me.. you will always be even with me so don’t worry about money. you know me"

as we closed our conversation i told him my parents are leaving friday to sunday to go out of town and that id have the house to myself.. he told me he’d make it to my house to see me.

went to bumpers and rocked my socks off first person i see.. mike. he didnt talk to me so much though i just sat with petey. drank some brews some shots.. went back to peteys and smoked a blunt. then i left.. came home.. and crashed.. woke up.. my parents woke me up actually to tell me they were leaving. cool. bye. have fun.

i woke up completely as soon as i heard the car leave.. i got up and couldnt resist watching my jersey shore. sam is a stupid bitch and that will never change. juss sayin. even though… the preview were shes telling ron "i just want to lay in bed with you and cuddle" and ron says "not a good idea" i just watched myself on tv do the same thing asking scotty to fuck one last time.. ohh the irony..

as im watching scotty called me.. he could hear me smiling.. he told me i was up early which was rare.. i asked him if he was still coming to see me.. and he said yes except that hes been running around all morning.. and that he wanted a few hours of sleep and that he’d be over by 2 230.

he called me around 2 and said he would be there soon.. i told him to go through the side and i hopped in the shower.. and yeah.. he did that quiet thing sneaking in the bathroom opening the shower curtain as i screamed so loud.. when i got out of the shower he was laying in my bed.. i crawled in next to him with just my towel.. and we laid there..

i kept thinking about getting laid.. i kept bugging him.. and he gave me the "i dont have any energy excuse" wtf ever. i kept grabbing him making him hard and i wanted it so bad i put him in my mouth.. he took my towel and threw it.. he had both hands on me.. one touching my clit and two fingers inside of me. as he was pulling an orgasm out of me he was biting my ass. i couldnt even suck him i put all my attention on myself. it was fantastic. he laid back down after he heard me finsh and moved my head on his shoulder.

i still wanted to get laid. i sat on top of him.. and told him i had condoms.. he kept saying he didnt have energy and rolled me off. UGH! i was ahh snippy with him. he asked why i was being so salty. uhhh.. because i want to get laid? i have needs?  and tbh the only reason i wanted to fuck so bad was because mike (the incredibly small penis) was the last fuck i had. i feel more balanced after fucking scotty. so i grabbed my towel and he asked where i was going. i said to get dressed.. i walked allll the way downstairs to the laundry room picking work clothes out of my dryer.. put on a bra and underwear and i could hear him coming down the steps.. ohh but he has energy to come downstairs?

he walks in the laundry room as im half dressed attempting to put on my shirt. he ripped it out of my hands and threw it.. "get on your knees" i did.. he grabbed my wet hair and face fucked me.. so fucking hot. he pulled me up and bent me over the dryer pushing my face against it.. it was so cold against my face.. i could hear him pulling out the condom.. i lifted my head and got it smacked right back down. he pulled my panties down spanked me hard.. i was being pretty loud.. and then he finished.. threw the condom in the trash and said "i told you i couldnt last"

i didnt even care.. the sex was hot.. and unexpected.. i like how he felt bad when i left the room to get dressed and surprise me. i felt better.. he kissed me and hugged me some more and had to make a few more drug runs before he had to work on the west side of state all weekend.. i was bummed.. i wish he could stay with me.

when i left for work he called me but i had missed it.. so i tried calling back.. and he never answered.. during a delivery he called me when i asked what he needed.. he said "so were you just not going to tell me if you think youre pregnant? were you even going to tell me at all?"
yes i was going to tell

you when i knew for sure
"linda what the fuck are you doin.. if you love me you’ll tell me everything.. tell me.."
i dont know.. i havent checked yet.. im going to check tonight
"i think thats really fucked up what you did lin. do you love me? you want me to be around? why wouldnt you tell me linda?! you know people tell me everything you know i find out everything."
because we already talked about it that night in my car when we were drinking and how you told me you cant afford it and if i was i would get rid of it so we already talked about our plans
"thats not me and you know it. you want me around? you know im not down for that. we were drunk.."
i have to go.. can you call me later?
"my phone will be off all weekend. i will call you sunday.. this conversation isnt over"
i know.. im sorry. i love you
"love you too."

i havent heard from him.. i know hes busy.. ive been texting him that i was sorry.. and either way i was going to tell him.. i just didnt want to add any more drama. i think he feared that if i was i would take the drunk conversation into place and just get an abortion behind his back.. those were NOT my intentions at all. i know he cant afford another kid. i knew even if i wanted to he wouldnt let me get an abortion. thats what i think our last phone call meant.

last night i drank. my stomach was just fucking killing me.. i had a little party.. played euchre.. people smoked weed with me i was in so much pain.. and finally i wake up today feeling great.. have to work tomorrow.. and i did take two tests.. they both said negative..

i texted scotty that my parents are coming home monday.. so maybe sunday he will come through.. we definitely need to talk. im sure he wants to know if i am or not.

but im not. i feel relieved and sad at the same time. i guess im so wrapped up into scotty i really fear losing him forever. plus.. im always longing for him while he is so busy with his life.. if i had a kid by him.. all my love pride and joy would go to my own. and i wouldnt be missing him all the time.. knowing that i have his security i know if i carried his child he wouldn’t leave my side.. and it would definitely turn some tables on rikki’s psycho end.

but im just being completely honest. with you all.. and most of all to myself. this is what goes through my head. im so in love with him. i want him all the time.. and as twisted as that sounds.. any of you can tell me your opinions and maybe i am dumb.. or stupid..

i know my diary is up and down with scotty constantly.

maybe i am blind. maybe im just missing some screws up in this brain.

i think im just flat out crazy.

-L