140. kill

im so irritated.

today sucked. except seeing scotty before work. that was the only good part of my day.

went to probation and got rescheduled again. seriously the cops are fucking douchebags. for real. they dont tell you shit. fucking money suckers.

i woke up to scottys phone calls.. he tried to give me money to cover my court payment. but i got some extra cash out of my moms stash to pay it off just in case he couldn’t make the money.

went to therapy and that was just a drag.. after that he called me and told me he was at ians. i went over there expecting money.. but he couldn’t make it.. good thing i already paid them off. now im just deeper in a hole with my mom..

he spent an hour with me before he went to work with ian. i was starving so he went with me to get some food.

when we talked in the car we were talking about other guys wanting to fuck me.. and other girls who would mess around with scotty.

that conversation lead into "feelings".. his words were.. "no one gets hurt until they get feelings.."

so i asked him.. so you dont have feelings for me? because they don’t hurt you at all? nothing exists?

"linda you know id kill for you. yes i have feelings for you. i love you."

when we were standing outside in front of ian and stacey and kimmis daughters i asked him "so i just drove all the way here for nothing huh..?"

he told me he wanted to give me a hug..

i told him what i wanted.. i want him to keep all of his promises.

every single last one. im not just standing around anymore. i made myself very clear. how the mind games are really eating me alive.

i seriously think i love him so much that i hate him.. the more i say i love him the more im fighting off hating him. i hate him. hes ruined me. hes ruined my heart. hes shattered me to pieces. and i cannot believe that my whole body CRAVES him. the touch the kiss. even the view of him.

i have discovered how horribly weak i am. i am not strong. i am bound. its sickening in the head but i like his control. almost as if i like being tormented..

it reminds me of me being rough in bed.. i ask him to hurt me. to hit me. to choke me.. to treat me so horrible in bed.. to leave marks. to make me beg him to stop. i dont know why i love his abuse. i dont know why i ask for it.

i worked 6 hours today and my stomach was just in shitty fucking knots. some points i wanted to sit down the nausea was crawling all over me. at some points i felt as if i was going to puke.

somethings wrong with me. i feel demented.. delusional.. just flat out insane.

i feel so ugly disgusting and just a shitty stupid slut to everyone else around me..

but when he looks at me.. i seriously think he believes that im beautiful.. i feel like a trophy in his eyes. why doesnt he just throw me away? why doesnt he leave me? why even try to get me back?

im fuckin losing my mind.

-L