119. Torn.

Things have been crazy. Fathers day my dad got sloshes and I mean hammered he was wobbly. I called him a penguin before he went to bed. I’m kind of stressing out I can’t smoke weed. And looking back on my last entry half of me wants to private it to avoid getting judged.

I didn’t sleep last night. After the BBQ my mom and I watched the season finale of the killing on amc. Which btw is fucking fantastic I am addicted. Then my mom went to bed. I hadn’t heard from Scotty since I fell asleep in the hotel room and woke up with him gone. I didn’t mention this in my last entry. But he got his cell phone turned on. The night at the bar for coreys birthday I saved it in my phone as my baby. Like always when he has a cellphone. When I woke up it was fucking deleted. Even on the recent call list. When I woke up I was in a crying horror film… Literally. I fucking freaked out.

I got over it on Saturday and after work I drove to the pub and ate there with Kelly after I smashed some cheese sticks I ordered a bucket. Matty (a regular pub goer) was there and since I was alone after Kelly left he had me sit with him and his friend. We never talked when i worked there for some reason but he was hilarious he kept me laughing all night. He asked me if I was still with Scotty. So we got into talking about him. And thinking about him deleting my number. I was over it. I just couldn’t figure out why he would do that. But I planned on leaving the pub after my first bucket. I ended up ordering another one and spending all my money with no gas from the deliveries. BLAH. A few more people came in that I knew that bought me a few shots to add to my 11 beers. I don’t remember going home but I made it.

Then woke up to a big BBQ for fathers day. After my mom went to bed I watched the real l word on Showtime. Half way through it I felt un easy. I couldn’t stop thinking about Scotty and imagining what I should say to him when he called me.

Then my phone rings and it’s him. It was his cell phone number that was deleted from my phone. I was irritated but I knew it was fathers day he spent with his children so i didn’t inform him he was my problem. He questioned what I was doing and I simply told him. It was already 12am. He talked to me for a while and was making me laugh and I felt better. We were talking our usual shit to each other. He said I wore him out on Friday and he got no sleep as usual. Then I said something about him deleting his number. He then said he never touched my phone and didn’t know what I was implying. And if he did delete my number from my phone why would he call me with it again. I told him it was really weird how I saved it and then it mysteriously gets deleted. I mean throughout the night I wasn’t looking at my phone. Didn’t see his number in the recent call list. But I was drunk. So I might have mistakenly thought I pushed save when really I couldve just shut my phone and it didn’t save. But i still don’t get how all of the calls I got that he called me while I was at work. Why was everyone elses number there but not his.

But since I believe every word out of his mouth I dropped the subject. He told me I owed him since i didn’t use my mouth very much on Friday. Oh bull. He’s just not used to finishing anywhere else but my mouth. He started telling me that he’s been feeling really short tempered and irritated lately and that he just wants to choke someone to death. The first thing I said was to death? And he said yeah. Dead. No longer living. I remembered him being a hard ass telling me he’s seen dead bodies before. But no. I really don’t want to know. So I told him he got to choke me on Friday. I heard him smiling “yeah but you liked it”. Okay you got me there.

He told me rikki has been gone for two days and she asked him to pick her up at 8am the next day. He told her no. Then he told me he thinks she got a new boyfriend and he really hopes she found one because it would be so much easier on us. He also mentioned his oldest daughter asked Scotty if she could live with him. He promised her he would buy her a house to sleep in with no rikki. He sounded so happy telling me he’s getting a house for his kids and himself.

I know he didn’t mention me. I don’t think he will. But he wouldn’t tell me that for no reason. My birthday is in two weeks and I know he’s up to something. I just don’t know what.

He told me he was tired and that his youngest one was asleep already and he’s so happy rikki wasn’t around the last two days. I’m happy for him. Happy for us. He finally has a phone. We said I love you and got off the phone telling me he would call me today. I said goodnight and that was that. I felt okay again.

Then I go upstairs to try to lay down and my phone rings twice. I look at the missed calls and it was from him. I freaked a little thinking rikki went through his phone. But she would know the number change and know it was me and blow it up. He must’ve dialed on accident so I didn’t call back to bother him.

I’m sitting on my computer reading bookmarks and then my phone rings it’s 1am now. My ex. Mike. I didn’t answer. Then he left a long voicemail. I checked it. “hey I’m so sorry to bother you i just really need to vent right now. My fucking ex wife took our son with her boyfriend on fathers day ignored me as I waited for him and didn’t even call me I just needed someone to talk to I’m going to the casino..” I hung up and called him back. We talked for a half hour. He told me he was so happy for me and glad I found a job I really liked. He then told me that Damien (his 5 year old son) was asking about me last week. He told mike he wanted me around and wanted us to be back together. When mike told him that I have a new boyfriend and that mike hurt me pretty bad… Damiens response was “well go kick her boyfriends butt and give her a hug and a kiss and be together with her” as he told me this my heart broke. I was so happy with mike. But he hurt me so bad. Because of his stupid ex wife. He arrived at the casino and we got off the phone he thanked me for listening and he asked if he could call back when he was done. I said sure.

When we got off the phone I felt torn. Completely. Crushed. Not only did I fall for mike when we were together but I fell in love with his son. His only son loved being around me. And even worse I told Scotty that Scotty and I couldn’t see each other anymore because I was falling for this awesome guy. After that he shocked me after fucking me in a hotel room that Scotty and I always go to. After he finished I was completely naked in bed with him and he told me he was going back to his wife and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Fuck you. I quickly got dressed in tears and in shock I had no words. We didn’t talk for months. Until he finally wrote an apology letter I quickly accepted and forgiven because I was back with Scotty so happy. Scotty really thought we were over. I was even ignoring scottys phone calls.

Mike has been texting me all day. He is with Damien. He texted me just now saying that they were done with the movies.

I went to therapy and pretty much told her this whole entry. I feel torn. I am torn. I thought I found a great guy who has enough time to keep me happy unlike scottys busy schedule. And he hurts me like that? Mike knows I have Scotty. But mike is so lonely he’s resorting back to me like he misses me. And what’s worse is I think i m

iss him too. Or maybe I just miss Damien. I really don’t know. I just don’t. I’m so confused. I love Scotty I could never. Not now at least. Things are finally good and when i look at the big picture after mike dumped me. Scotty was there with open arms. Scotty would never crush me the way mike did. Its just so hard, I feel so ripped apart.

-L