113. wtf is your issue?

im gonna make this entry quick.

last night i got stupid drunk. scotty met up with me. he bought a hotel room for him to sleep in then called me to come see him.. i was at the pub drinking and kelly asked me to drag him out of bed and to come hang out with her.

so she called him at the room and made him come out. he got sentenced for his dui yesterday. he wasnt in the mood to party.

everything was fine until we got to the pub. and by the time we went back to the pub melissa (stupid dumb cunt) was there. so me being drunk i instantly wanted to leave because shit just makes me off edge.

i dont have any memory. but scotty started getting mad at me. im pretty sure i was being a naggin bitch. i dont know. i just remember trying to leave. scotty took my keys.. which had my house key on it. i couldnt go home. i was so pissed. mostly at myself.

when we finally left the pub i got in the backseat with kelly i knew he was so pissed at me. he dropped kelly and alan off and then drove us back to the hotel. i dont remember getting there.. but when i woke up scotty was gone.

GONE. then i remembered he had to work. i looked outside and there was no sign of him.. i laid back down being hung over. and when i woke up again his arms were around me.

i felt so shitty. i tried to let him sleep. then we got a check out call at 11am. i answered it. i said wed be out in a minute. he laid there.. i started touching him laid my head on his chest listening to him breathe. i told him how sorry i was for the way i acted.

i remembered last night he told me i was starting to act like rikki and he wasn’t havin it. i know i cried. i sat my drunk ass on the curb and cried my eyes out.

i hate acting like an idiot. i felt so stupid laying there apologizing. im way too attached. i love him TOO much that im scaring myself. im craving too much attention from him. i want to be with him ALL the time. i feel so stupid. even typing about it i feel dumb.

worse im addicted to his dick like its food or something. i grabbed him getting him hard. and blew him off as best as i could. he loved every second. i got depressed knowing he didnt buy condoms last night because i was being a drunk asshole. i told him i was sorry again after swallowing him. he held me and told me not to worry about it.. and that the night was over and im okay.

we both got up to leave.. he hugged me and kissed me.. my neck and face and last my forehead.. his usual. i pulled out first.. and he followed me as we were driving he got next to me.. when i looked over his smart ass was flicking me off. he made me smile. he was smiling at me. i flicked him off back.. and then he was gone.. i think he turned off into kroger.

i got home and laid in my bed. i felt like crying. why do i love him so fucking much. why am i so fucking addicted. why. WHY WHY WHY?! i am almost disgusted with how pathetic i really am over this guy. and worse i dont think he would be with me if he even knew how crazy over him i really am.

i feel disgusting like im literally obsessed with him. it scares me to think i may need help. or im delusional. he could be fucking so many other girls behind my back and lying to my face and if i ever found out he was fucking another bitch. i honestly dont know what i would do. i dont. i am THAT crazy about him.

this entry makes me sick.

hes at the bar with the guys and his son right now watching the UFC. i couldve went but i didnt. i feel like im smothering him. im so scared of losing him. that huge fear is hanging over me.

trish also called me. (ashleys mom) talking about nevaeh wanting me to give her scottys address. when scotty and i sat down talking about the phone call about his daughter he told me that hes going to get to know her and end up fighting to take her with him.

my stomach was in knots. all i kept thinking of was rikki being around my niece. it scared me. i feel so sick.

i cant even write anymore. this is insane. my life is shit.

-L