episode 85.

i have been feeling weird lately. in a solid neutral mood. scottys cousin dave texted me last night asking if i was with scotty..

i told him no and that he was mad at me.. he never asked why. but i asked if he tried his house. he said he wasn’t home.

rikki hasn’t called private once. or blew up my phone.

which makes me wonder a million scenarios..

i think hes either gone.. getting away from everyone..

or hes with his children.

or rikki just split and hes enjoying being by himself

either way something happened to rikki. which convinces me he told her the truth about me.

i dont even care honestly. im upset that hes mad at me. but in the end it doesn’t phase me.

if he doesn’t call me in a few days to cool off.. or over a week or even three weeks like last time.. then that honestly just sucks to be him.

i have done everything i possibly could for him.

i dont even deserve him to avoid me. sure hes mad and he doesnt want to hear the constant psycho bitching of rikki.

but neither do i. and i deserve some credit for hangin around him THIS long.

i know that he will call me back.. or at least thats what i think. and i know that we are not over.. at least thats what i think too.

but i still have a fear in the back of my mind that we are really done. that he will never call. that i will never find him ever again.

i don’t know why i think that.. but i think im jynxing myself in some weird way that im okay.. and not dramatically freaking out as usual when he’s mad at me.

i haven’t cried. i shed a few tears after the arguements with rikki.

and of course after throwing up.

still no period. something is definitely wrong. ashley and i are supposed to go to the clinic today..

good grief. when things are going awesome theres someone or something that has to mess it up.

and knowing my luck i would get pregnant at the time hes mad at me.

this is not good. i know i need to find out.. but im literally too scared to bring myself to the clinic.

the fear of it last time scared the fuck out of me. in full panic.

and too much relief getting negative results.

i just dont want to put myself through it again..

ill keep everyone posted.

-L