episode 61.

just got home.

he didn’t call me friday.. i expected that one. or saturday.. expected that one too.. or sunday.. expected that the entire day… until.. he called. boy oh boy scotty is probably the death of me.

saturday night i was invited to fifty thousand places. with no money. go figure.

parents took me out. aparently i was so fucked up on friday i humiliated my father in front of his friend that was visiting. no memory. boy i must slow down. he got over it. we went to on the border. my parents drank margaritas.. i however chose not to drink. little did i know i ended up driving my mothers car with her drunk ass in the back seat home. blah.

finally get there and change.. angie picked me up to go to the karaoke bar for kristas birthday. angie bought me drinks and planned for me to go back to canton. until pete texted me inviting me to a bad ass bar in another city. i replied with no money. he told me to make kelly pick me up and hed cover my whole night. i felt bad and declined. but he pushed me and pretty much told me i was going no matter what i said. had three beers at the bar. which was so awesome. ill have to post the pics from dubs’ camera. facebook war between will melissa and angie is finally over and cleared up. i felt like the mediator the entire time. but it worked.

angie drops me off at home and kelly scoops me. smoked a few joints with angie. then kelly and i were off to peteys. it was already 1130. we got there at midnight.. in for free. beers and drinks around. this bar had a mechanical bull.. dance club. full blown arcade.. bowling alley upstairs.. and like at least 15 different bars in this place. i was in bar heaven. before we got there petey gave me three lines.. and him and kelly took a hit of acid.

pat was blowing up my phone uncontrollably. i started to get pissed. he kept leaving voicemails "i need some fuckin pussy.. me and my brother are going to come get you right now where are you at?" uhh no. consider yourself dropped.

kelly wasn’t feeling too good. we still ended up closing the bar. i mustve had 13 beers. and 3 drinks throughout the night. but i was fine. i dont even think i was drunk. we went back to peteys and him and i sniffed a whole bag. carlos and jolene came over.

pat blowing up my phone again. when petey and kelly told him to fuck off he got all huffy and puffy and gave up. sucks to be him. i was enjoying myself.

i found myself thinking about scotty a lot. just wishing he was there with me. i know pete likes kelly. but i could tell kelly wasn’t interested. i just felt kind of third wheel. but they are no where near my age group.. so i didn’t feel all that bad. both are 10 years older than me. amber called me.. my ex girlfriend before scotty.

she was plastered. and ended up bawling her eyes out on the phone over me. she told me i never cared about her and i broke her heart and left her. and that she still loves me uncontrollably and doesnt care about her girlfriend. amber has a hard time with committment. and shes been committed to her girlfriend for over a year im sure now. and ive been seeing scotty since SHE left me and broke my heart beating my ass over the hood of her car. she demanded me to tell her where i was at so she could come get me. i never gave up the destination in no way did i want her to drive. let alone fight with her.

the next morning i texted her. she apologized for everything and i just simply reminded her what she was saying. i needed her to feel embarassed because as much as i am wrapped up in scotty i was DEVOTED to amber. worse than i am with scotty. she treated me way worse.. and it bugs the fuck out of her that i went to a guy after her. whatever. just shocked i got drunk dialed dealing with that crazy shit. that started FOUR years ago. and ended horribly. wow. that taught her a lesson… at least i think.

woke up kelly didnt get any sleep and pete was all over her. poor kell. i felt bad for her. and she bought me a pack of cigarettes. i feel like such a mooch. i need a job.. my black book of fees gets longer every day. she dropped me off at home

and instantly i didnt feel good. i then realized i had a severe bladder infection. I HATE THESE. had to be from pat.. and NO not his dick i always use protection. i always got bladder infections from fingers. nasty shits WASH YOUR HANDS. i showered took azo and drank crangrape. me pee was orange forever and it was unbearable at some points.

relaxed the sunday away and started to feel better. thank you AZO.

i was watching katt williams.. lisa lampenelli.. with my mom.. and he called me. he was up north working and he apologized for not calling on friday.. but also mentioned no promises.. which he was right. i remember him telling me that. then he rushed off the phone to finish his store and he would call me when he was done. i immediately said "promise?" then apologized saying i was used to it. he said it was okay.. and yes he promises hed call me back.

i didnt believe him. i blocked all my shit up watching tv with my mom. three hours went by and figured welp there goes that. and he called me.. my stomach got butterflies i let it ring four times and then answered. we talked for about 10 minutes.. he was already dropping off his co worker at the house i stayed with him last monday.

he has court in the morning after he works. and that he has few hours to sleep and he was about to go home. i pushed seeing me on him. he said he’d try to see me after court.. i told him id take my car to see him for a few minutes. he still said no. so i gave up. not even gonna waste pushing it. we talked more about plans weve made.. (we have a huge list of things we want to do together).. we were working on a plan we’ve said years ago. but i told him i didn’t really care if it fell through. that i just wanted to see him before he goes to jail. he asked me what time it was and i said 12:30. he told me he’d give me til 1:15am then hed go home and go to bed.. private call was clicking in. but i ignored it. i asked mom convinced her and went over to see him.

he got in the car and we got into talking about love. he said things like hes not good with emotions.. like i never knew that before. and that hes not good with words.. and he said he still tries to show me his love for me. and i asked him what he meant.. and then he said "when i fucking knock someones teeth out for just talkin shit to you.. does that show you love?" i replied with yes.. it does. in a way though.. not the same im showing him obviously. he told me he does love me and he wishes i could see it better. i do see it. i just crave way more than hes showing me.. or giving me.

i told him i think its pretty fucked up that throughout our relationship i always wanted to have sex.. or let alone do oral.. even when on the rag i just want to make him feel good.. all the time. every time hes with me. and i told him i wished it was the other way around. but then he pointed out i was contradicting myself.. which i realized i was because i told him he used me for my body just fuck and then hes out. when i was the one pulling his pants down. i can see that. but i let him understand how much pain he forced me through and not fixing it until three weeks later.

and no were not fixed. i asked him if i wa

s the last person he fucked and he asked me when the last time was. i told him at my house when he bailed and teased me for 10 minutes promising me he’d finish me off after the fights and then he explained what happened that day and he had to work because someone got arrested to where he had to take over and not watch the fights at all. i told him that explained that day but not the other 20 days. i realize this now but he never answered my question.. makes me wonder. even though i have no room to talk. ugh.

i know he probably thought i was nagging at him. i was. i was complaining and whining. but he needed to hear it. i know i kept putting it down and i didnt want to talk about it anymore either but i let him know that he cant treat me like that. period. even though i love him so much he needed to know that i was very hurt. which im sure it stuck to him.

1:16 hit.. and i seen him look at the time.. but he just laid back and still sat with me not mentioning it. he held my hand.. he noticed my amazingly beautiful long hair was no longer long but a small ponytail was hanging off my head. he said "go any shorter ill send you to the other team" i slapped him when he was laughing. he said he was kidding and that it looks beautiful. i still. HATE it.

he kissed my cheek neck and forehead. he was scruffy all over the face. which i dont know why but im obsessed with that shit. he looks SO good when its growing out. i love playing with his hair. i could smell him in his neck.. i wish my clothes and bed smelled like him. we were kissing for a while. i told him he should get some sleep we parted and he told me he’d call me after court and see me for a half hour before his shift..

i dont know why but i am dizzy just writing this.. i should try to sleep. this entry is too long anyway.. updates and bookmarking tomorrow when i wake up =]

-L