episode 60.

im very frustrated at this moment.

i am so sick of my parents. both of them are hot and cold and i can never tell which one to go to. i hate that im the only child and all the attention is focused on me. they need a divorce both of them are unhappy and i don’t need to be in this house because all of the aggression thats being brought out by both of them is taken out on me. i know i got a dui but fuck i didnt drive last night i dropped the car off and got unbelievably wasted at the bar. my mom is talking to me but my dad isnt. when my mom wont talk to me my dad will. im getting tired of everything really.

yesterday i got my hair cut. it was getting so long and hard to maintain. my best friends mom cut my hair at her house. it is so short. i no its no excuse but it made me want to drink so bad. i put my hair up theres a tiny ponytail hangin there. ugh. my pony tail up high touched my back still. now its just so short.

i went to the bar to drink a bucket. i was hangin out with gio and johnny. jackie went home drunk so i was bummed when i got there. john is somehow related to scotty. and a waitress named trina seen my neck and she said it looked like i got choked or strangled. john immediately turn my head to see and his face went in pure awe. he was so mad and while i was trying to convince him that i got bit i heard him say "im going to beat the fuck out of him" i finally convinced him that i got bit by a spider and he then believed me after looking at them more closely. they did however look like fingerprints. which spider bites dont look like that? but i was scratching at them time to time while drinking. then john and i got into a conversation about scotty.. i told him that scotty had never hurt me or laid a finger on me except under the covers how i preferred it. he said he didn’t believe me. that struck me odd. i know scotty would hit a female if it came down to the nitty gritty. he told me before that he gripped up rikki and slapped her a few times and later regretted it. hes told me hes afraid he might kill her. i didn’t mention this to john but john kept pestering me about him. that he is a great guy but he has no right to abuse women. then i thought to myself i figure 50% of that is my fault because i ask him to hit me while having sex. but scotty and i never argued or had loud voices at eachother.. except one time where i grabbed him by the shirt collar. i was extremely intoxicated at the time i was blacked out. all i remember was squeezing his shirt in my grip trying to hold him in my car but he ripped himself out of my hands and walked away. i tried explaining to john that scotty just was never abusive with me. even if i threw a drink in his face to this day and got in his face got under his skin i still dont think he would hit me. or even attempt to raise his hand. but who knows. i could be wrong. ive told him one day i might do that by the way he brings me all the way up and then drops me down. he told me i should never even think about doing that to him because he will come back with something that will hurt even worse. the way he said it i didnt believe him. theres no way he could hit me. or even retaliate against me if i did something to him. even when were in bed and i tell him to hit me to leave some kind of mark on me.. hickeys.. handprints.. he will for a minute and then stops his excuse is always "i dont want to hurt you" i hunger for pain when im getting fucked i just think rough sex feels better. that im actually feeling something more than just sex. and i think thats why im so addicted to scotty. he brings out all of these things inside me i can never understand what he does or how he does it but it feels so good i lose my breath with just one finger running down my arm. but since we arent really on.. we are shut down. i dont want to pull the plug but i feel like i have to and hes forced himself to pull the plug on us. sigh. why cant we just be together.

anyway on to my night last night. i went back to ashleys and i was buzzed so bad. nevaeh was there. since ashleys mom takes care of ashleys sisters kids. jonathon and nevaeh. scotty fathered nevaeh. and by the way kristie slept around scotty convinced himself when she was born that she wasn’t his. then i came into the picture. whenever scotty and i went out in public hed tell new people that he has three kids. but id correct him and say he has 4. angel his first with another mother. two with rikki (michael and jazmine) and vaeh was born in between rikkis kids which pisses her off. and convinced scotty she wasnt his.

oh. but she is. especially from my point of view. i seen scotty a lot. a lot of his face. and just looking at her yesterday i seen the love of my life. theres no denying those big brown eyes. vaeh is my niece. my best friends children kelli and kayli are my nieces and ashleys sisters kids are very much my nieces and nephews. ashleys sister has no parental rights to these kids. she has three of them with three different fathers. including scotty. ashleys mom takes care of two. and the father of the youngest is taking care of him. who is also coreys brother (my best friends brother in law). its very jerry springer i know.

overall nevaeh has no parent but nana. her grandmother. and it breaks my heart seeing vaeh. shes about to turn 5. and her own father is sleeping with me. puts me in a shitty position. and TRUST me every time scotty and i get into talks about our relationship moving to the next level. i tell him i want him to see his daughter before he does anything with me. at the beginning of our relationship scotty denied. i dont blame him kristie is a whore she told scotty if the baby comes out black its not his and if she comes out white it is his. thats pretty harsh. scotty wanted no part of it. they only had sex one time. it was hard for him to believe i understand that.

but i know i was the one who made him believe. it took me a while but i never sided with him when it came to her. hed try to deny and say he wants a piece of paper first for him to believe. and then i took a picture of her. and i wanted to rub his face in it. but i didnt. i just showed him. and told him tell me you don’t see yourself because this is no grey area this is black and white this is YOU. from that point on he believed me. believed kristie which tortured him. and went on saying thats his kid.

but. nevaeh doesn’t know who scotty is. too young. and his first reaction to realizing that she was his was him planning to go to court to take full custody and live with her other sisters and brother. i immediately fought back with rikki will never be around her. ever. and vaeh doesnt know scotty. she would be ripped apart from her brother jonathon. i know it wasnt my place to talk about nevaeh at all. but i knew he would believe me. i know it was his first reaction. i know he takes care of his kids and loves each one to death regardless of the mothers. i dont know. kristie even tried getting me to take nevaeh when i was on my way to see scotty. i could NEVER do that to him. of course i wanted to take her and go see scotty. but there was no way i could just do that. i n

ever did. and i later told him about it. it just wasn’t my place.

so seeing ashleys mom yesterday sprung up a lot of questions. im pretty much the middle man. it tore me up looking at her. trish (ashleys mom) asked me how we were doing. i said we broke up a month ago. i shouldve said we still talked though here and there.. but i didn’t. i couldn’t get over looking at nevaeh. and ashley commented saying italian. she looks like scotty just shit her out. spitting image. and trish was telling me that if we got back on together again to ask him about his parents. because they were convinced also even when scotty denied his parents still seen her as their grand daughter. and one day they just stopped. i explained what was going on with his parents. scottys mother is sick in and out of the hospital. and his father is probably serving his dui right now.. because he had gotten caught recently. but i told trish that scottys plans were to get rid of rikki first. and that scotty is about to do time as well. and when he gets out he "said" that hes getting michael and jazmine through custody battles and rikki a restraining order. then he will work on nevaeh.

trish said hes running out of time. shes getting smarter.. shes turning 5. i cant believe it. my heart broke just watching her eat ice cream. ive never seen scotty cry. but if he was seeing what i was… i think he would have. i feel like i failed the whole thing. i felt terrible that i slept with him the entire time when she needs him more than i ever did.

ill have to bring up what i experienced yesterday with him. i gave trish two court dates about scotty. and told her id talk to him about his parents. i know i shouldnt even dip my toes in this swimming pool but i am determined to give my niece a father. i always bring her up when we talk about moving in together. id rather that girl have a father first than even getting a kiss from him how addicted i am. and he knows when i see nevaeh i don’t shut up about her. fresh in my mind. just like when i see him i dont shut up about him.

i wanted to write a small entry. and it turned into this. blah.. on with my day yesterday. so after drinking a bucket i went to ashleys where the kiddies were and i was being obnoxious. i smoked with angie in my car and i couldnt go back in i was way too buzzed. i dropped my car off and walked back up to the pub. this guy bought me shots and beer all night. day shift was already gone and night shift was on. kelly was working. i vaguely remember. i blacked out. and woke up at 6am to pat calling me.

i answered it. and he told me to get up and that him and stevie are waiting for me. wtf? i was so drunk i didnt know how i got home. i got in the car and went to their house. pat told me i was at the pub and left around 9 because i was so smashed. oh that couldnt be good. i realized that scotty was supposed to call me and never did. figures. we smoked two joints drank some more.. i was fucked up again.. and stevie and pat were plastered.

i got fucked. and it was well worth it. ill save the details. but i was happy with my results. not as happy as i would be if scotty was there. but satisfied. he blew me off so it felt good. even though i know scotty would act like he doesnt care but ask me about every detail which will be fun telling him. which also tells me he DOES care.

after stevie left us upstairs to sleep pat and i started talking. he told me that i was the coolest chick hes ever met. and i told him he needs to stop busting inside me because he will be paying for it. and he said he got snipped but every time we fucked and he did that hed say something like well if you are we will take care of it if thats whats gonna happen. or go get yourself the morning after pill. there is NO future with pat. ever. strictly just sex. but last night he was telling me he was snipped. and i told him about the scare i had when i didn’t start for two months. and convinced i was pregnant. he said was it scottys if you were? of course. we started talking about him a little bit. he told me about his kids mom. then we got into a conversation about pats mother. i had no idea about..

next thing i know pat is crying his eyes out. his mom was murdered. case unsolved. shot in her home in a city 5 minutes away from us. in 1995. jesus. i wanted to cry with him. it feels like the world is ending when i witness a male crying. he made me promise not to tell anyone. i would never. except you guys. then he told me last night after i went home and left the pub a regular was talking about people he knew that killed his mom. and i just couldnt believe he was telling me this. he cried even harder there were tears everywhere. i couldn’t imagine my mother being murdered in a town right by me. its just terrible.

i held him until he fell asleep. and then i slept. he woke up and he took me home around two.

then i got nasty ass looks from my dad and came here to write.

what a long ass entry. my bad. love you all off to go bookmarking =]

-L