episode 58.

today was great.

woke up went to therapy. talked about scotty. reminded myself he was supposed to call me today. but figured otherwise he probably wouldn’t since his life is so blah blah busy.

dad wanted beer and 7up so he handed me extra money. took cans back after therapy and dropped off beer and 7up at home. was on the phone with angeline about plans for this saturday.. angie said ryan would go with her to kristas party. im pissed. that fuck never texted me back. irritating. you like me or you DONT. simple as that.

so i guess thats the end of ryan and i. unless i do see him saturday night for kristas birthday. which i probably will but who knows whats going on with that guy. and angie is 43.. she just hangs out with the cool kids cause we smoke pot. just so you all know there is no future angie and ryan.. let alone attraction =] but still ryan is making me angry. i mean i know he doesnt know whats going on with scotty and i know he thinks that him and i are completely done. but COME on. frickin call me.. keep us going the way we were.

after i went to pick up kelly she wanted her monroe pierced. she had her youngest son caleb. whos 4. that little ham. i drove them to the place i got my industrial pierced and my lip. and my best friend tattoo. theyre so cheap $15 piercings. last year they were only $10 i always got the good deals. caleb was runnin around all over and they gave him a beta fish to take home.. now thats friggen sweet.

on the way back i was driving slow so the fish didnt spill. and my phone rang. i answered it. i didn’t know who it was as usual. and it was scotty. kelly was like WHO IS THAT?! and i was telling him our adventure of the piercing and getting a fish out of it. and he was like wtf? you guys are crazy let him go in the rouge river. noo way so mean. but he talked to me for a few minutes.. just telling me he was at work and he said he would call me today so i don’t give him shit and throw a hissy fit next time he calls me. so i said yeah thats cause he’s on top of the shit list in my books. so i asked the next time he would call me. he said maybe tomorrow morning if hes not sleeping. i asked him again in a smart ass way. he said tomorrow morning.. and no promises if not my the morning then after he wakes up. i could live with that. i said thanks for calling me. and kelly knew i was talking to scotty. scotty said i was a bad liar.. and i kept saying she wasn’t going to tell. he said he didn’t care if she told anyone we were talking.. just as long as our business stays our business. i was shocked. i know he likes kelly though. i mean i dont blame her kelly isn’t stupid and she let us stay in her brand new house by ourselves gave up her bed. i was really happy he called. he said he’d try to call me later tonight too but he doubted it because of the phone split up. he said he’s figuring out his schedule and he’d like to see me on friday… i said i didnt know my plans yet. and then he said he hoped id squeeze in an hour or two for him that night. i have no plans on friday. i have nothing to do or any money to do anything so i made myself look busy.

overall i feel happy. i used to feel worried and stare out the window look in the pub parking lot.. turn my head to every white van i saw. and i didn’t have to do that because i knew where he was and what he was doing. not like before. when i NEVER knew hed call. and im surprised hes been following through with his words lately. i guess its showing him hes damn near losing me completely. and what else made me really happy is that i told kelly it was scotty after i tried lying on the phone with him. and he heard it and says he doesn’t care that people know about us talking. because at first when he asked me to keep the conversations between us and the visit i had with him on monday i figured he was just trying for this secret relationship still lingering on. but i think those were just my natural instincts. it does feel different. even the sexual ways we were into have started to take a different turn. im not used to seeing scotty without doing something sexual and it wasn’t even like every time he seen me he had to get something. it was always me. i always initiated. i guess thats my natural way of holding on to a guy. i try to give them what they want all the time living up to the stereotype. when actually im the one making myself look bad by doing things without questions.. without initiation.. its usually all me in the bed.

but i also dont want to set myself up and think that hes actually trying to give me what i want for my sake of him feeling bad for me. but so far how i want us to be is working its way through.. with all the help of him of course. hes not promising anymore.. which makes me feel better because thats all i leaned on were his promises and half of the time they were broken. and hes keeping up phone calls which is what i need to feel in place. i told him im always looking for him wondering what hes doing. now that i know and have these times and phone calls of what hes doing i just feel better. im not looking out my window anymore hoping to catch him drive by. and when he says he wants to try to see me on friday.. i know i lied a bit and made myself look extremely busy.. and he said if not friday then hopefully some day before he goes to court. he probably can read me like a book though.. and it sounds real like instead of hotel room fucking like maybe out to dinner.. even better a SOBER dinner. or maybe he will finally take me out to the movies he promised to do before we even started getting involved with eachother. i know im overthinking it but i cant help it. this side of him like on monday i haven’t seen since the first time we started talking and hanging out. it was fresh and new. exciting and not broken. no phone calls or 5 minute stop off and fuck then be on the way.

i remember one time two years ago im sure he asked me to come get him. and i did. then he asked to drive my car because he didn’t want to tell me where to go. he filled up my gas tank to the top. and drove me to a suite for the whole weekend. he showed me the room and told me to get some clothes and everything i need to stay with him. so i did.. when i came back he took me out to dinner. we were the only ones in the restruant. and the sun was out.. weather was great. he picked the place since ive never been there. it was expensive and fancy. i even felt underdressed. the waitress even gave us free samples of shit because we were the only ones in there. then he drove me to the station.. where they sell a whole bunch of crazy shit.. pipes bongs sex stuff clothes vibrators toys weed shit jewelry.. he told me to get whatever i wanted. i didnt get anything. i was too happy.. i just couldnt believe it. i didnt want to get just one thing.. and then too many things.. i didn’t know i was so overwhelmed.. he was following behind me looking at everything i did. and his hands were holding me. he kept saying anything i want anything. and he knows i like being spent on but damn.. so i never got anything i know i shouldve but i wanted him to know that i wasnt using him.. even though he was still decking me out. when he followed me to my car he followed me all the way up to my door.. i asked him what he was doing and he said "oh im sorry i didn’t even realize this was your car.. i got distracted.." kissing me against the car.

he opened the door for me. then he took me to the pub.. since i was underage he knew how to get me drinks. and drink at a bar.. which i loved.. so many people were talking to me. his friends and the waitresses at the time. i drank a little.. ordered some shots. and drank beers. then he drove me back around the hotel he paid for.. he wanted to take me to the drive in.. but i just wanted to go back to the room and fuck all night until i couldn’t anymore. so since i said that we went back into the room and started filling the jacuzzi. i was laying on the ginormous bed watching tv smoking his cigarettes.. and rolling a blunt. he gave me the remote and told me to order any movie i want and "it doesnt matter if its a chick flick" as much as i could have tortured him with sappy love movies i was already having my own.. i forgot the movie i ordered because i knew we werent going to watch it. he left me in the room and came back with condoms more blunts.. more weed.. and a 5th of my favorite henny. and coke. when everything was all done he looked at me in dead stare… we kissed all over the bed with our clothes on.. took a few shots.. he took off my clothes and put me in the tub. when he got in with me he asked me if he did good. i felt like a million bucks. even sucking up the most beautiful compliments he was giving me all day. we haven’t even had sex yet and he asked if he did good. that weekend was beyond a vacation to the bahamas to me. i was with the love of my life. i hated the time for going so fast. i never wanted it to end.

after that weekend i knew i loved him i never told him for atleast 6 months after the weekend. those three days he got me high.. not off of drugs a hotel room liquor the bar or dinner. he got me high off of him. and it lasted longer after the weekend. i felt like a queen. just when he looked at me for five seconds he was smiling because i was smiling.

i know things changed over time. rikki came back when she heard about me. and started dangling his kids around like property. and it tore him up. i wish he never met rikki.

but now today.. right now. i feel like he’s trying to get back to how he used to be with me. so new. in love again. just beautiful

wow i rambled.. i might add more to this entry. might not. im gonna go watch tv with my dad. im glad i just wrote that story. it put me in a better place. i never expected that weekend and what made me love him is that he surprised me just to see the look on my face. he definitely knows how to win me.

just wish things arent the way they are. hopefully his intentions are good for me. because he knows he messed up. i should remind him of this weekend the next time we talk.. im sure he remembers.. just it was the best weekend ever. BLAH

why cant i turn back time?

-L