episode 54.

wednesday.

i had therapy with my therapist shoshanda. basically another update of me lying that ive been completely sober. i feel like im living in a different personality. because this is for court. and im skating right by. after therapy i drove to angelines to smoke. i wanted to get high. we smoked then angeline started going crazy talking about this facebook fight. after reading the conversations of a few people from the circle of friends i hang out with are ganging up on angeline bringing up the past in an immature manor. at first when i asked whos post this was on for the whole public to see.. she said it was brittanys post. (my like ex partner in crime). well i was like oh i see. because brittany and i are civil with eachother. but we arent facebook friends. at all. since like months and months ago when we were like fuck this friendship. so i was like well screw that family they do it to everyone cause they do. they are just skeezes. and then angie said ashley commented on the post also.

are you fucking kidding me? my best friend was involved? by this time im heated. my best friend is cousins with brittany.. i understand thats her family but the whole post had nothing to do with her. and she added her two cents in. looking horrible to me. i never commented on facebook. instead i went to ashleys house and threw her a piece of information. after explaining why i didn’t like what she did. she agreed and told brittany to delete the post. now will and melissa (dubs and dubs sister) are getting into it. blah i give up. as long as i pulled my best friend out of that mess. stupid drama on facebook take your dirty laundry elsewhere. for real.

after talking to ashley i got really high and went home. pat picked me up. he was so fucked up tho. but i was completely sober all day. by 10 at night pat told me where his car was. at the pub. so i walked up there and grabbed it waiting for pats drunk ass whos been drinking all day get in. he was all over me. i expected that knowing how intoxicated he was. we drive to the gas station he buys beer. then he said lets go to JRs.. so we went there. and at first it was just pat and i. then he gave me like $100 to spend on myself. i pocketed the rest because i knew he wouldnt remember where it went. i spent about fifty on myself alone. i was so fucked up. and whats worse is i knew the bartender and its only been the second time ive been in there. i drive to brians party after i pull pat away from two girls he was talking to.. i named them fugly and old and fugly. they were so intimidated when i was grabbing pat to leave the bar. they were like "i respect you so much i would never let my boyfriend talk to two girls like that" i was lauging inside my head. being as fucked up as i was i played along with it. and said "well i trust him we all know who hes going to at the end of the night" ahh. shit like that just builds my confidence.. as i was feeling a little odd about being at JR’s. JR’s to me is (scottys bar).. my bar is the pub. and rikkis bar is the ave. i steer clear around JRs and the ave. i never go to the ave because i know theres a chance rikki will be there.

shits retarded tho. so anyway after Pat and i left JRs we went to brians party. got fucked up even more there. pat puked. we left and drove back to his house.. and i blacked out woke up expecting to have no clothes on. because pat is a good fuck. problem. we both had no memory of having sex which makes me mad. i like remembering when i do it with someone. and everything about wednesday night is clear is day except the sex. ugh. and even worse. i asked him where he finished.. because last year when pat and i fucked around i was on birth control. now im not anymore. so he said i probably should get the morning after pill. blah patrick. shame on you.

thursday.

after we got dressed it was st pattys day yay. and we drove to stevies smoked a joint and he took me home. i was lazy as fuck. angeline called. i hopped in the shower got ready for saint pattys day. i seen the necklace scotty laid on me last st pattys day when him and i were at the bar with his dad and uncles. i wore it. fuck it i aint seein him ever again right? we drive to her house. get really stoned. drive around here and there. then it was around 730. pub time. time for green beer. angie dropped me off at the pub and i drank a whole bucket to myself. kelly bought me a shot. mikey bought me a green pitcher. and mike and i did a shot together. i texted ryan. it took him several hours to text back. but around 11 he said he was out in taylor and that there were some parties going on. so i asked him to come see me at the pub.. because i missed him and it would just make my whole night i havent seen him in weeks. then an hour later goes by without any word from him.. until i got around midnight "im so mad at myself i shouldve came out there to see you" by this time im fucking already wasted off my ass. and i was getting pissed. whatever. no one said a word to me about scotty which made me feel better. kelly bought me and brad another pitcher. then i had like 6 drinks of it and walked home. crashed in my bed. i was so upset with ryan tho. wtf is this shit?

friday.

i woke up and started my rag. =] pat got lucky. no more of that shit. i need to start collecting condoms cause thats redciculous i can NOT have that scare. ugh. then when i realized i was on the rag i was even more upset because im sure ryan and i wont be hanging out any time soon and if we do nothing will happen. UGH. the last time i seen ryan i think was a week after valentines day. now thats fucking sad. so angie and my best friend smoked a joint in my drive way. ashley left to get her tattoo done me and angie went to panera to get bread because my dad made split pea soup. which wasnt that bad at all. and ate then. then angie was like lets go out to howell. she bought me alcohol. it was an hour away. i had fun.. but angie started not to feel good. so we left around 1230. smitty called me. ugh i wanted to smoke with him he said hed meet me at the pub. by the time i got to the pub. it was 1:50. i walked in.. seen all my peoples getting ready to close up. i still had one huge can of alcohol i was carrying in my coat. i seen an old fuck buddy up there i havent seen in about 9 months. he was talking to me. and while he was talking to me.. i overheard another conversation happening RIGHT in front of me.

todd: shes probably up here because scottys up here sitting at the bar.
jojo: no scotty is sitting at the OTHER end of the bar.

i looked at both of them. todd was smiling. my face was in absolute horror. i looked at kelly sitting on top of the bar counting money. and she seen my face. i started shaking and said to kelly "YOU need to tell me RIGHT now if hes here because if he is im walkin out that fucking door" NO NO NO linda he was just up here earlier.. all he had was two beers then he left that was it. so then i looked at todd "THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING TREAT ME YOU LOW LIFE PIECE OF SHIT FUCK THIS BAR AND FUCK YOU" then shit starts gettin serious and people standing up. nahh fuck you. fuck them. that isnt even why i was mad though. by this time smitty was outside. i was fuckin so pissed. WHY 

THE FUCK IS SCOTTY SHOWING HIS FACE AT THE PUB?! why? what is the reason for that. he knows 9 times out of 10 i will be up there. im in there EVERY day. if it wasnt for me going to howell i wouldve been there.

mother fuck. im so pissed just thinking about it. smitty took me to ashley and coreys i drank my can of alcohol there and said some shit to corey about scotty. im pissed. i dont care what he says if "well i was at that bar first im older than linda i always go to the pub" i dont give a fuck. its my bar now. i gave him JRs and the ave. he cant have the pub. shits mine. and it makes me think hes been driving by my house. he KNOWS im going to know every time when he walks in there. he knows kellys going to tell me. what the fuck. im starting to think that he misses me. and hoping to run into me. why stop for two beers? cause you realized i wasnt fucking coming up there.

ive been getting private calls up the ass. they all can fuck themselves. everyone knows im mad now. and im sure he knows im fucking fumin about him. corey invited me to the fights.. HA they can go fuck themselves and their fights. im going to weezy’s party tonight. who knows what drama that will bring. but i have a feeling something is going to happen tonight. either good or bad.

ps. im so upset about ryan. i texted ryan yesterday and said hey.. are you not into me anymore.. because i just got this feeling..

he didnt text me back til 7:17am this morning saying. "sorry i didnt text back i got out of work at 9pm last night" and waited 10 hours to text me back?

wow.

for fuck sakes i texted you at 1pm yesterday.

ARGHHHHHH

-L