episode 53.

well this time i had a better day.

no private calls. no voicemails. and most importantly no tears.

i watched the movie 2012 after i got back from smoking with ashley last night i only got half way through it but i was up til 8am. i woke up around 230.. to marisa’s call. preggers got nothin better to do but call me. we talked about scotty.. once again. this time when we were talking about it i just wanted to stop talking about him. i didnt want to think about him. the more she talked about how mean and horrible he treated me the more i couldn’t hold back tears. i just said i had to go and id call her later.

angeline called me.. she came over to smoke. we talked for two hours in her car outside my house. i even left my phone inside i just didnt care. i told her the whole story. she talked about brittany. blah blah blah.

ryan texted me that he got himself an apartment finally. ive missed him. its hard for us to keep up with eachother.. me going through the nightmare of scotty which i never told him about and him going to disneyland with his 4 year old daughter and ryans brother max. but i remember him saying he was getting an apartment right after he got back from florida. i know he makes a lot of money for a living. but actually noticing the things he was saying were actually happening.. scotty used to say the same shit.. the whole "im getting me a house and turnin myself in.. going to get this court shit figured out" and go figure. he got pulled over after going up to MY pub. asking about me! i realized when i was talking to angeline that he has warrants in other cities and child support bull. so hes fucked. and i wasn’t allowed to know he went to jail.. hmmm maybe he didnt want to look fucking stupid. make it look like he just vanished away with rikki. ha. what a joke.

so back to ryan.. ive been texting him every day or every other day through the whole scotty thing. but ive never told him what was really going on.. just that i was always upset.. and it sucked feeling alone. and i needed to get a job and get my life moving. and then today he wakes me up with a text that says i finally got the apartment. when i asked where and he answered i was shocked. hes moving into the same complex as kimmi. where ashley USED to live. and brittanys mom lives. wow. i know its unbelievably close to me. but damn i know he doesnt associate with any of those people.. but kimmi is a HUGE link to scotty.

but ryan is good at keeping to himself. not caring about whats around him. i was just shocked he was so close to me.. and he picked there out of all places. i wanted to ask why but i didn’t. angeline said he moved in there to be closer to me since we never had time to be with eachother.. and miles away. now hes 2 minutes away. well starting april 1st.

the way things were happening today or overall this whole week. its set in stone that scotty is gone. im starting to think of him less already.. i kind of feel like my life just took a turn for the better. i still feel worthless and tortured out of my mind. and the more i think about scotty the more i think of the other crazy past relationships i claimed to be in love with. my abusive first boyfriend adam who i lost my virginity to… ended with a fist to my face and restraining order. then amber.. my first girlfriend.. who hated me smoking pot.. and whooped my ass after catching me. black eye and all. and then there was scotty. which blows me away.. both adam and amber were abusive but he never was.. and they all lasted in a span of 2 years.. until i focused my attention on someone else.

i do feel better. i didn’t cry today. i mostly thought. a lot.  i know that i will miss scotty. i will miss him a lot. but i am forcing myself to believe that he will sooner or later.. hopefully while hes sitting in jail for 90 days or more.. that he regrets his painful decision of making me feel this way.

im starting to feel like things are slowly starting to fall into place and soon i will wind up where i need to be. or at least on that track.. ryan seems more stable for me. and we do have a connection. i just hope things go right.

so a good day for this day.

thursday im going out with my gay lover william. =] i asked ryan what he was doing and he said working until 430 he completely forgot it was saint pattys. then he said maybe he will see me. my hopes are up but im so used to them being shattered all the time. i kind of have that feeling he isn’t going to show up.

i hate it when guys say they will do something then dont. thats why i am confused with ryan. he plans out this stuff like.. im getting an apartment right after vacation.. and im doing this and that.. but when it comes to.. we’ll go to the movies this day.. or drinks this day.. or come stay the night.. shit usually doesn’t work.

i like ryan i do. and i love that the pace were in. but it almost feels like were going to lose the connection we’ve always had. or its just simply not going anywhere. but him picking this apartment 5 minutes away from me makes no sense to me. he doesnt work near me and his daughters mother lives a half hour away from my city.

why did he pick there of all places.. like i said i wanted to ask but i didnt. just doesn’t make sense. i guess it has to be something in the leasing deal with the apartment. who knows. but he even looked at the house for rent 5 houses away from mine. like in between my house and ashleys.

wtf? idk. its 330am and my mind is starting to wander. so much shit on my mind.. hopefully this dump in my head will lighten up. =]

oh and about last entries notes. i know it seems to be a good idea to change my number. but my number is so flippin easy. i hate changing it. because i did just lose my phone. and i think thats what rikki wants. is my number to be changed. id rather waste her time of calling me and me ignoring it. because if i did change my number she would win that battle.. and no longer waste her time blowing up the phone. i want to give them no satisfaction. including the satisfaction of "haha that bitch changed her number"

yeah screw that hoe. and him. he will regret. he has a lot of time to do. his record is fucked. i wish i seen through him like this way sooner.

blah. what a weird twisted mess.

bookmarkss now.. goodnight OD loves

-L