episode 47.

monday i was out by 1 pm.. picking up Todd and dropping him off at therapy.. we ate mcdonalds and i got my first shamrock shake of the month =] i was a little late to probation to pay court.. talked to my P.O. blah blah.. went to the bar.. drank some beers waiting for todd to be done with thereapy. mom was on her way home from florida with meems and the dog. i have two beers left but todd is ready to be picked up.. so im off to get him.. then i pick up my w2s. (that were never sent to me) drop todd off then back to the pub. drink my two beers and jackie said she was leaving.. so she gave me her other beer. as i was drinking it she called me and told me to come outside. i did and she asked me to follow her to drop her car off and shed pay me ten bucks to take her home. so i finished her beer then left.. then went home and my mom and meems were home.. jenny (my heroin addict aunt) came over.. tears running from "stress" there goes all the attention.. i drink a beer at home after i eat..

pat calls me.. i ask him to pick me up and take me to the pub. it was night shift.. i grabbed my alcohol from saturday i had left over and we went to the pub.. he bought me a beer.. and another guy and his wife bought me a shot. i was pretty buzzed at this point had about eight beers since 230. it was only 8. we left and went back to his house. ugh. i smoked a blunt with him. i know i shouldnt have. fuck. oh well. i didn’t want to have sex but after drinking so much.. i said fuck it. its meaningless anyway. i know he won’t tell anyone. it was surprisingly good. i never noticed how much of a good fuck he was. cause my mind was so wrapped around scotty.

yesterday pat dropped me back off.. i went to go reinstate my license and go grocery shopping. i got my license back thank god. no more restrictions. so i was really happy about that. i went grocery shopping finally came home. dad was drinking unloading groceries. i was watching a tv show then corey called saying he and kelli were walking outside by my house and i should come outside to see my niece. so i did.. for a minute.. he asked me to come over to get my best friend out of a shitty mood. blah. then my dad asked me to get the mail. so i did.

court sent me a drug test letter for this friday. my whole day was shitted on. ugh. start immediately drinking water and my cran grape. im sure i can piss out some straight water on friday. like last time. just i had more time. i hope ill pass.. but the shit is sitting on my mind like a bad burn. ugh.

no sign of scotty. but my phone has been getting a lot of private phone calls. in all honestly i really want to pick it up and just sit there listening. but im not giving in. it could be rikki. it could be scotty. im not falling for any of it. even a random number that calls and i don’t know.. i dont answer it. unless they leave a voicemail stating who they are.. thats it. shit is fucking rediculous. i am literally forcing myself to ignore the phone. which is driving me crazy.. friday will be another two weeks that have gone by without talking to scotty.

fuck him. ugh. but i miss him. its almost like i want to hurt him.. but he wont give me the satisfaction of me hurting him. its always the other way around. i hope it is him thats calling me and that im ignoring. fuck.

just got home from therapy a little while ago. this session we talked A LOT about scotty. it almost made me want to cry. i lied to her about being sober. i have to to get through this probation. i hope i don’t violate. even though im stressing about it.. if i do fail i know whats going to happen. and its not outrageously horrible. just another 50 bucks they make in their pocket.

annoying.

at LEAST i have my license back. score.

-L

p.s. sorry ive been a REAL shitty noter lately.. and updater.. ill get around though. =]