episode 43.

i am just sitting here alone by myself. watching my tv shows.

last night i was completely tired.. couldn’t hold my eyes open. when i laid down to sleep i was wide awake. it drove me up a wall. it almost felt like the depression of everything going on around me was just stuck in my throat and causing me to stay awake.

i finally fell asleep.. and had some crazy dreams.. about going back to college. i woke up every hour.. finally got up around 1pm.. came downstairs and started watching.

paul.. (an ex) texted me. the history with this guy is that i was crazy about him.

APRIL 2009
i did manage to hide paul from scotty during these three months. paul and i were official for two weeks. those two weeks were the two weeks scotty wouldn’t talk to me.. because i was beligerant one night and freaked on him. throughout the three months tho.. scotty was working in chicago. but he promised to be home by my birthday. either way scotty grew distant since living in chicago working. and i got into paul.. a lot.

paul was starting to look real. i finally found someone. i was still going to school. he took me out. ive known him since elementary. he was cute.. introduced me to friends and family.. as i did with him. we both had cars.. a beautiful relationship. i decided i didn’t want scotty anymore. and i didn’t. my friends (corey & wellzy) passed the message on to scotty that i was done. and had a new boyfriend.

one day (while dating paul) a random girl instant messaged me. she claimed she was an ex of pauls. but they hadn’t seen eachother or dated in years.. but talked every now and then.. over time i figured out that it was his first love. days after that she pretty much ripped him away from me. he dumped me. the day he dumped me we were texting back and forth for two hours. i was screaming at him. brittany who was my ride or die at the time was driving me to her moms.. while i was flipping out. i was crying my eyes out. hysterically. he apologized but there was no point of apology. it hurt.

as brittany and her mom were comforting me i drove to the liquor store with my fake ID and bought myself a 40 oz of beer. i was parked in front of brittanys mom apt complex drinking it with the car running. on the phone texting whoever.. getting upset. i pulled away and stopped at a stop sign. the car behind me was honking at me. outrageously. i turned right and stopped.

it was corey. my best friends husband. he seen my makeup was run down. he told me to go back to the apartment.. and to tell him what happened. he knew it was about paul. so i did. when i turned corey followed me. i parked and went back into the apartment with my alcohol. corey walked in the door. and scotty was behind him.

it was scottys 25th birthday. and i never even thought about it. i felt worse. corey asked questions and scotty was obviously home for his birthday. i overheard him say he wasn’t going back to chicago to work. i dont remember much of the day paul dumped me.. only that scotty picked me up over his shoulder and had everyone slap my ass as hard as they could to make me feel better. i was never completely over paul. but i was glad i had scotty there.. on his birthday he seen me. we continued our relationship from that point forward.

when the same thing happened with mike november 2009 until march 2010.. scotty was quick to be there after my heart was shredded.

this whole relationship with scotty ive been looking elsewhere.. i look for something or someone better than scotty.. more attention than scotty gives to me.. and when i get it.. they hurt worse than scotty has ever hurt me.

paul? left me for his ex girlfriend. got her pregnant while she was married to someone else. but it was his "first love" she had her second daughter.. pauls first daughter.. his girlfriend left him and went back to her husband. he’s tried every some months to talk to me. he claims just to be friends but its clear he wants more.. or to start more.

mike? seen me for 6 months. took me to a hotel room the last night we were together. fucked me. as i was putting my clothes on he told me he was moving in with his wife.

these two and a half years ive been on and off with scotty from september 2008 to now.. has been frustrating me. ive been no saint to paul or mike. i have slept with scotty.. while still talking to mike. but he never knew. scotty knew about mike though.. he admitted to me that he thought he lost me to mike. after the hotel last year in march.. scotty was there. he asked what happened. all i could do was cry.

ive never screamed at scotty.. or even so much argued.. we always talked.. and he was always there to pick up my pieces to put me together again. i think ryan is doing the same thing as paul and mike. he has a child. i can almost SEE him going back to the mother. but i dont know. its way too early.

all i can see that this is laid out in front of me.. the timelines. paul and mike were ruthless. had no heart. did not care. and it was unbelievable pain. scotty was the only one who was quick to try to fix after i hurt. he made the impossible possible to me. he makes me believe him when he tells me he does love me. if he didn’t why would he waste his time? he wouldve left me in the beginning. like they did. literally abandonned me. why did he waste his times listening to my tears over other guys. why did he listen to the details of them hurting me.. why did he want to know about how they treated me differently..

its almost like paul and mike built me up so much.. movies.. dinner.. dates.. getting ready.. them picking me up in thier car.. and then appeared to treat me way better than scotty.. then break me in half.. i met their parents.. their family.. i met mikes son..

and scotty.. wasnt movies and dinner.. and dates.. it was bars.. hotel rooms.. drugs.. and the gas hed put into my car.. the money hed put in my pocket.. and the unbeievable fucks and just fire we had between us.. ive met scottys kids but were never introduced.. ive seen scottys mother but never introduced.. scottys never met my father. and scotty and i talking about my boyfriends like he wants me to do better.. but he never left me hanging the way the other two guys did did.

and ryan is on that track.. like mike and paul. he took me to movies.. and dinner. when is he going to smash me? ryan has no idea i see scotty still. but scotty knows im seeing ryan.

dont get me wrong.. i love going out on dates.. ive always wanted to go see a movie with scotty. i still do. but id rather live like we are then wait a few months to get hurt worse than the last time. like these guys had no feelings. and scotty may have been angry with me before.. he has said he doesn’t want to see me anymore.. but when i fought him to talk to him he never turned me away as badly as the other two. he always gave in to me. he always opened his arms to me. why would he waste his time listening to the shit about how all of these guys breaking me limb by limb to pieces. when i know automatically scotty will never do that to me.

thats why i know our relationship is twisted. and next to impossible to move on unless we moved apart miles and miles away. i cant explain the magnetic connection but we’ve tried to cut it off. even the times we never said a word to eachother in the same room we

still found a way to break the ice.

this is so confusing.
back to today.. before i talked about pauls history.. he texted me today.. asking to hang out. i told him i was boring and i wasnt much fun.. and he said he thinks im fun. i asked him how and he kept saying i think we had this conversation before.. and i said how am i fun.. he couldve said anything from movies or when we went to play cards.. or anything. he just said i think you know what i mean. so i slammed back. "im not a piece of ass to you.. or anyone. im not a slut so stop. we have had this conversation before. just because caitie is raising your daughter with her husband does not mean im coming back."

i know it was harsh. but it was true. why should i cake it up and act nice about it. he hurt me. horribly. first love or not to paul.. i threw scotty away to be with him. and paul knew that. we argued and then i finally talked my feelings out and got him to understand. he backed off and i havent heard from him. overall i won the conversation. he fucked up. and its horrible what she did to him. but no way in hell would i comfort him.

then i texted ryan. and he called me instead of texted back. we talked for a while. he told me it was my fault he didnt come over during the weekend because i didn’t call him.

the phone works BOTH ways.

even though i wanted to get to know ryan and potentially see myself with him. i can see myself with him. then i can see me getting hurt probably worse than mike.. & paul.. combined. and guess who will be the one holding me wiping me tears just like the last two times and asking what this one did to me and why. seriously the sex is good but its not good enough to deal with my tears. and other guy problems. i dont even know why scotty listens about me with other guys. but hes never looked at me differently. or treated me differently.

am i just making excuses for scotty? because i never really noticed the pattern.. and i never realized so much in one entry. i planned for this entry to be pointless and short with not much to say except about paul. and when i re read the whole thing its like wow. wtf is going on. i do not understand men.

scottys birthday is in april. he will be 27. oh which reminds me. saturday night.. sunday morning it was MIKES birthday. he texted me. at 2 am. begged me to come get him from bumpers and that he would put gas in my car because he was drunk and we’d go somewhere fun. my dad was coming home at 10am i said no way. i threw my license excuse which is a great save because it was 2am on a saturday night.. if i got pulled over id go to jail. but mike is the same way as paul.. depressed his wife has another boyfriend and doesn’t want him.. so he rebounds to me. he even got angry when i said no i wasnt coming to get him. call a cab dude. im tired and i was really upset scotty didn’t come back to my house to sleep or call me. mike tries the same way to sleep with me. unreal.

is it just me or is paul and mike douchebags. they should have no right to even talk to me for the pain they caused. ryan is acting the same way or at least going down their same path.. and then i have scotty who is just too busy with three kids an 80 hour job all over the north east states and a psycho rikki who threatens him with his children and me whos crazy in love with him and would do anything for him.. and he owns NO cellphone.

off to eat something. im getting a headache.
BLAH!

-L