episode 42.

well friday after writing the last entry. andrew called me asking for a ride to his ex girlfriends.. seriously? i really don’t know why i do it. but i did. he was on the phone the entire time i drove him. i dropped him off.. whatever. i was hungry and wondered where i should get something to eat. i looked over in the pub parking lot while i was sitting at the light. i seen a white van… maybe i should eat at the pub.. i drove around the block. i couldn’t resist. usually im wrong and its never his van but i had to check. i know im a stalker. i even drive around his van. looking in. of course i can’t tell. i pull up. walk inside..

since the bar is so dark and it was so bright outside i could barely see. i went straight to the bathroom. as i hit the bathroom a waitress shouted out my name.. well if hes here then he definitely knows im here. i walk out and sure enough hes sitting at the bar. i walked right past him.. passed the waitress station. and sat on the other side of the bar.. where NO ONE was sitting. gio the bartender came up to me..

linda.. why aren’t you talking to him..?
what is there to say?
i don’t know. you guys are like so weird. its not the same seeing you at opposite sides of the bar.
believe me my heart is racing right now. i was actually hungry until i noticed him.
when michele said your name he was like "shit"
i think hes mad at me. i dont know. but its always up to him.
so you drinking beer? you want a bucket?
ill just have one since he’s here.
he’s gonna be leaving soon.. or thats what he said.

and gio got me one. i sat there in my own little silence.. i could hear is voice without looking over there. i called kelly. the other bartender who was working at 6. she answered..

whats up
oh nothing.
where are you
pub.
oh yeah.

i get up. walk past him again.. walk outside.

i wanna throw up
whats wrong? hes there isn’t he?
yes.
has he talked to you?
no.
why don’t you just go up to him and talk to him since you haven’t seen him
cause i dont know whats going on thats just not me
well you have two choices. act like he isn’t there. or go talk to him. don’t even leave the bar. you JUST got there.
it feels like a train just hit me. i can’t stop shaking. its hard even walking by him.
you two are obviously crazy about eachother.
i dont know what to do..

it almost felt like i was having a panic attack. my hands were shaking and my stomach was just in knots. i was no longer hungry. again i had nothing to eat. i still had half of a beer inside. i smoked two cigarettes not knowing what to do. kelly convinced me to get my act together and go back inside. i walked by. this time he was leaning his chair back. harder for me to get through. i made it through tho. sat back at where i started..

gio yells over the bar at me.. to come sit over there with them.. then scotty said "i have a seat for you right here.." i sit down.. all three girls leave us be. i knew that was coming. gio got us to talk. worst thing about the pub. the staff knows everything.

whats your issue?
nothing.
whats wrong then.
i havent been calling you
someones been blowin me up on private.. i didn’t know if it was you.
well its not me.
i believe you.

we went over the last two weeks. he mentioned a bunch of stuff to do with rikki. to do with me. i told him about my party. i went outside to smoke and sat in my car freezing. he came out right after me and sat in my car. he told me what him and gio said when i walked in the bar. and when i sat back down. gio asked him if he cared about me. and scotty said of course he does. i told him it hurts and that half of me hates him and his ways. the other half wants to run to him. we weren’t touching. but i wanted to hug him. and touch his face. he was just so pretty. i pretty much confessed that he is torturing me unintentionally and at the same time intentionally. once he gets a hint of me he can’t refuse or resist me either. i just remember telling him that it was so hard to breathe around him.. after hes went days without me. that im in physical discomfort. he said i don’t deserve any pain over him. and then i said im a stupid female. he said he didn’t want to tell me anything how he feels about me.. cause its just going to suck me back in. and i said i already am back in.

i touched his face. he said hes sorry for dragging me through this. and i apologized for being so dramatic about him. but i couldn’t help it. when i touched his face he closed his eyes. he looked up at mine and kissed me.

when we walked back into the bar i stopped shaking.. my stomach felt better.. my hands weren’t clamming. he started buying my drinks. he bought shots for the girls. he said he had to drop wax off at a store and that he’d be back up at the pub around 4. he paid his tab and left his beer and my beer.. and said if i wanted anything else to order whatever i wanted and he’d pay my tab when he got back. so i sat at the machine with michelle and we played photo hunt. he was literally back in ten minutes.

when we were sitting in the bar next to each other i caught myself laughing most of the time. he kept talking saying that he turned gay.. and how he accidently boug

ht skinny jeans the other day.. i was so happy in that moment. i said after a while talking to him that i was going home..

he said "ill meet you there in 15 minutes" i left. i was so impatient. he parked his van.. came to the front. i let him in. i was pretty buzzed from the shots and beers. i wanted to take a shower. he broke up two lines for us. and asked me if i wanted one first. we both do one. i asked him to come with me.

come with me. please.. i missed you so much.
i already took a shower today.
its been two weeks
i can’t get hard in the shower baby.. ill wait for you. go get in the shower.

i said fine. and go in. not even two minutes later he’s in there with me. i heard him undressing in the bathroom. =] he held me and washed me. i wanted to have sex. he bent me over. he made me scream. i don’t even know exactly what he does to make me feel the way he does. hes always doing like 4 different things and i can’t concentrate on all of them.. just one. like hes inside me.. one hand is touching me.. his tongue is on my neck or ears.. the other hand is pulling my hair. and the heat in the shower was just flawless. any other guy id never take all of my clothes off. i just don’t know what he has. he got out before me. i washed my hair then got out..

andrew called me again. scotty answered. he put him on speaker. scotty jumps up with his hard head. this is never going anywhere. because andrew is the same way. hard headed. he even walks outside with my phone.. but comes back in.. they both talking shit to eachother. i heard andrew say that i dog scotty all the time on the speaker.. his big brown eyes looked up at me. i looked down. i can just hear andrew screaming at him that i was over him and so done with scotty. i did say all of those things. when i looked down he was still talking shit back to andrew but he was saying he was aware that i was saying those things. he wasn’t but im sure he had an idea. i felt shitty. and weak. he picked my head up and kissed my forehead. then went back to talking shit pacing. i told him its not going anywhere. then scotty hands me the phone and when andrew starts talking to me he keeps going about what i said about scotty. when i hung up cause i just didn’t want to hear it anymore.. scotty smiled at me and said it was okay. that he figured i wasn’t happy with him. then he called me an instigator.

i did more lines without him. i think he’s allergic to coke. but he said i could have the rest to keep. which was a lot. a whoe teener. he asked if his friend dennis could come to the party.. i said of course whoever he wanted. he asked to take my car. and phone. that he was going to the store.. i kept calling him.. and he called my house from my phone.. now.. i forgot that my house phone when it rings it forwards to my moms cellphone. my mom is in florida. and when scotty called my house from my phone.. my mom answered it before i did.. in florda

my mom said hello.. he said whats up.. she said who is this.. he said who the fuck do you think it is.. she said this is diane.. lindas mom.. and he said oh im sorry.. how are you doing.. then i cut them off cause i realized what happened.. scotty was pissed like i just cussed out your damn mother linda what the fuck why didnt you tell me.. i obviously forgot.. oops. my mom clicked in.. i answered.

uhh what was that?
hes just outside using my phone im in the house
i know whats going on.
no.. no you dont..
mmhmm.. whatever you do don’t tell your father.

he ended up coming home with my favorite hennessy coke.. and told me he put gas in my car =] since i was low. i could tell he was embarassed.. he told me my mother sounded just like me. i said it was okay. im sure he doesn’t feel like that. good thing he didn’t tell her he was driving my car at the time. ha.

scotty wanted weed and i found it for him. through smitty. he came over.. and i told smitty that he was the one i talked about. they got a long well obviously. then smitty had to leave.

brittany and scott came over. then jenny and richard. then brandon and brian. scotty and i were partners for euchre against jenny and richard. i had fun.. dennis and i snowed out. i could tell scotty was getting tired.. he had to get up early. i set my alarm for him. everyone else left except dennis scott and brittany. dennis slept on the couch and scott and brittany stayed in the spare. scotty was already sleeping in my room. on my side of the bed. which aggravated me. i love that spot i cant sleep on the other side. so literally me scott and brittany rolled him over. then scott made scotty a lunch. it was fun. i miss the night already.

when i finally went to bed around 5am i woke up him. we fucked hard. then he fell asleep with his arms around me. when i woke up in the morning i shut my alarm off. it went off for an hour. he was gone. i looked outside. still gone. but dennis was there. he came back to pick up dennis. but i didn’t want him to leave.. i dragged him in my room. and teased him. he laid down. but i made him get up and please me. then i finshed him off. he left. he said he’d be back after the ufc fights to sleep with me.

so brittany and scott helped me clean my house. then i took home brittany. then scott home. then came home. ate. watched some shows. felt sick.. heartburn. then ash called and said we should go to the restruant to watch the fights with the boys. scotty wasn’t there. i looked everywhere. and i said well maybe he didn’t get served again so he went to the ave but he’ll be back at my house to sleep.

he never showed or called. i just kept cleaning when i got home around 1am trying to have hope that he’ll call me in any minute. he didn’t. and around 2am i knew it was going to happen. i cried.. for a long time. i couldn’t stop. i knew what happened. another excuse. he was probably out with rikki.

i fell asleep. for a few hours. woke up and my dad was home. bout to pick up some bdubs for us.. smash some food. and im probably going to nap again. sleep this off.

i know i did this to myself. but i believe him so much. i just don’t know how to teach myself to not forgive him.. or not believe him. i am so n

aive when it comes to him. i know i did this to myself. im letting my life dwindle away. apart of me thinks i have a few more broken promises left in me that i can take. broken words. whatever. let down after let down.

ryan was supposed to be spending the whole weekend with me. INSTEAD of running into scotty. ryan didn’t even text me.. once. i really don’t understand. i know that im tired of being let down all the time but i did this to myself. i keep hoping. that one day..

what the fuck am i saying there never will be a day.

FML once again.

i found this picture in my phone. and completely don’t remember taking it. scotty & dennis. the only picture i took the entire night.