I’m a trailmix of contradiction.

So, we’ve bought a house. We close on it in a few weeks.

A brand new, 4 bedroom, acid stained concrete floor, stainless steel appliances, coffered ceiling, covered patio, tiled shower, jet tubbed, his and hers closests house with 13 windows and a floored attic above the garage.

New construction in valley view.

The door is 10 feet tall, and beautiful. I’ve always loved beautiful doors.

and door bells.

Oh, it’s a dream of a house, and I know we’ll make it a home.

But there is a big part of me that feels so…guilty.

Like I just don’t deserve this house. I haven’t earned it.

I mean, I have… We have…

We’ve worked 43 hrs a week for the past year, paid off debt, saved for a down payment…

We’ve done it all on our own… well…together…

And it’s been hard work….

But his family, my family… my big sister… They have all struggled and sacrificed and worked hard…

It just doesn’t seem right that at 24 years old, I deserve a nicer house than any of my family have ever lived in…

I never understood why people would be embarrassed about money.

And I’ve always been an open person, it’s hard for me to lie.

So when people ask how much we paid for it, I blush, and tell them the truth, and feel them judging me.

And maybe I shouldn’t care.

But it just doesnt seem fair.

I guess to the outsiders, 4 bedrooms may seem a bit much for just the two of us.

But my husband’s little brothers… (from his dad’s 2nd marriage), well, we may have custody of them one day. We need to be prepared.

I’m not ready to be a mother.

I have so much in my head right now.

I’m an island. I just need a friend.

My husband is amazing.

But sometimes I can be too much, feel too much, worry to much, see too much.

And when he lies to me, goes behind my back to give his irresponsible father more of our money…. I feel so far away.

I understand why he does it, I know he’s in a tough spot.  I just can’t stomach the lying.

It breaks my heart because I know it makes him feel alone. He doesnt want to disappoint me.

And none of it is his fault. His father should never have put him in that position.

Chase knows his dad can’t be helped unless he changes his ways, but he doesnt want to give up on his dad. I get that.

Chase is doing the best he can.

 

I’ll get my car back on Easter, when we go to see his father and the boys.

He didn’t have my permission to keep driving it. But he did. And now it’s wrecked.

I’m apprehensive to see what "not that bad" looks like.

My mind races from one topic to the other, and I know my voice is carried out into the nothingness where nobody cares.

I am not eloquent today.

I am happy.

I’m in love.

I’m apathetic.

I’m scared.

I’m bored.

I’m hurt.

I really…honestly…just don’t know anymore.

I miss my friends.

I miss myself.

But I really am happy….

I’m never a liar.

I have really strong defense mechanisms.

I’m a trailmix of contradiction.

I need to sleep and rearrange some things.