thankful

I have loved some amazing people in my short time on this earth. Jake died on June 19, 2005, at age 19, after pulling into oncoming traffic on his way to dress rehearsal for a theatre production. He will always be a very big part of who I am. 

His life touched so many people in the short time that he was given.  Someday, I will tell you about him. There are still times, like tonight, that I find myself lost in memories of his smile, his laugh, and those eyes that knew me like none other. I hold his memory so close inside me, that I find it difficult, even today, to let the words escape my lips, to share them. It’s almost as if I’m afraid of losing these memories, as they are all I have left.

I have often found myself getting lost in the what  if’s and if only’s. I have always felt that he was so much more deserving of a long life than anyone I know. He really knew how to live it. He appreciated every single minute. He loved so many and so deeply and sincerely. 

There must have been 500 people at his funeral. Some I’d never seen or heard of, but they knew me. I remember being at first surprised at  the turnout.

But it should have been no surprise that anyone who ever got the chance to know him for a brief period of time, knew that he was someone worth knowing and loving and keeping as a friend. And I have no doubt that he loved all of them in return.

It’s times like these when I think of Jake, and know that I must find a way to get back up and keep going at it.  When he died, I was so angry. I didn’t think I deserved to live when someone like him died for no reason.  I spent my time partying and being stupid, and he accomplished so much. It didn’t seem right.

I have learned to appreciate every minute of every day, and every circumstance that finds me. I’ve learned not to waste myself. I find beauty in the mundane. I find hope in heart break. I like to think that I carry him with me, and strive to be the best that I can, as sort of a way to honor him.

I feel so lucky just to be alive. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel guilty anymore.

(If I didn’t feel lucky, I wouldn’t deserve to live?)

I feel utterly inarticulate tonight.

There exists inside me tonight, opposing forces of incredible happiness and great sorrow, and I think it just has me a bit out of sorts.

I’m sorry that this has drifted so aimlessly. I hope someone out there can find it relevant.

I feel (unexpectedly) at peace.