“Don’t Delete Me” Entry

I have come to the conclusion that I have to write in here more. For my own sanity.
I used to journal ALL THE TIME in high school and … well, up until I moved here really.
It’s not that I really have anything to get out of my system. Maybe it’s just the rambling that soothes the soul.

I’m not sure I like writing here though. Or at least whether or not I like it that people can comment. I have a lot of difficulty not justifying myself or "making someone else see" if their comment about my life is not on the mark. I get too defensive. I’m too sensitive. Maybe too insecure right now. Probably too insecure. Right now.

I remember when I wasn’t so insecure. How did I let it slip away? Can’t really see how that happened. Things I used to do with no problem – like answering the phone or calling someone – give me anxiety attacks now. Granted, I’ve never really been a phone person; but I still know how weird/insane/pathetic that sounds to most people. It certainly sounds pathetic to me. Nonetheless, rarely is it just an absent-minded activity for me to pick up the telephone and make a call to order a pizza or to get some information. If there’s any way to avoid making the call myself, I usually wait until BF gets home from work so he can do it or have him call wherever it is from work. I screen incoming all incoming calls and usually only pick up if it’s my mom or something urgent. I wish it were as simple as "just pick it up and do it". But it’s not. I don’t know how to describe it so that anyone will understand, think it’s not crazy. It likely is crazy but I can’t get out of crazy.

There are other health things that are going on that I’m bummed about. I’ll likely get into those if/when I come back to chat it up some more. Nothing dire and certainly nothing insurmountable; however it all still seems very insurmountable at the moment. I’m having trouble doing it all on my own.

Not that I’m alone. I have BF and he is very supportive but I feel quite alone in this "getting myself better" part of my life. Because no one can do it for me. But I don’t know how to help myself. Or, if I do know, my efforts are not working, not producing results, not good enough.

Speaking of BF, we have set a date for the wedding! Friday, October 9, 2009. Seems very weird to say that. He hasn’t proposed but it’s pretty much been a given from very early on that this is where we’ve been headed. We’ve been living together for almost 5 years now, our money is all interconnectimingled; I’m usually the one dealing with the finances so it will be hard for him to surprise me by buying a ring. I’m not much of a ring gal anyway. I do want that magic proposal that girls dream about when they’re little but the ring itself? I just want something simple and not too expensive. As it is, on our vacation to Nova Scotia this summer I lost the promise ring he gave me. Ugh. I feel very bad about that. Doesn’t bode well for a wedding ring, that’s for sure…  Anyway, we needed to set some kind of a date if we’re going to be able to try to pay for the majority of weddingy stuff.

No savings due to some financial problems and then a financial strain which maybe I’ll get into more at a later date is certainly going to make this whole wedding thing difficult, I’m realizing. His family has no money. My mom has limitted funds (and I’m not making her pay for anything if the crazies aren’t putting in their fair share). We’re on a fairly strict budget right now too… Not sure what we’re going to do yet. We’re definitely coming to the conclusion that what we envision is going to have to be collared quite a bit. This has been getting me down a bit over the past couple days. 

The fact that on my side I have the equivalent of 6 aunts and uncles (and their families), all of whom I am very close to, and on BF’s side his mom has 3 siblings and his father has 8 siblings (and their families) who are generally all invited to such events is complicating matters. How are we going to afford to feed 200 people? We’re not. We’ve at least got that much figured out. After quite a bit of talking/arguing, we have narrowed down our list to 110 must have people – 55 for him and 55 for me. That’s not our final list. We’ll probably add some more but at least we know who *we* WANT to be there. Once his mom puts her 2 cents into the mix though things will probably get hairy again.

At this point she doesn’t know we’ve set a date. She likely will not be told until – at the MOST – one year before. She will be hysterical for the entire year and a HUGE problem to deal with. Both BF and I acknowledge this fact and have decided that a year of planning on our own and determining what WE want before we are told how it "has" to be done is going to be a blessing.

I learned a lot last March when I planned BF’s 30th birthday party and had to deal with her. I paid for everything – hall, invitations, food – yet she still took issue with the people I invited, told me I had to invite this one or that one would be upset – nevermind the fact that I hadn’t ever met that person which meant that BF hadn’t seen them in 4 years either, nevermind the fact that I had already invited the maximum number of people the small hall would hold. She invited people without asking me and then just told me they were coming. She badgered me about what I was serving – I had to have pickles. God knows why, nobody ate the goddamn things!!!! but I HAD to have them. She told me people had called HER because they couldn’t get in touch with me (I was answering the phone at this point) and when I called those people "back" they didn’t know what I was talking about. One time when I called someone "back" I said something that in the situation I thought I was in (they’d called CFMIL cuz they couldn’t get ahold of me) would have been appropriate. But, because of CFMIL’s farce, it was taken the wrong way and would have been a bad scene if I hadn’t realized what had happened and called back to rectify the misunderstanding. She’s a sneaky little bitch like that. And I only anticipate more of the same on a larger scale when the news of an impending wedding hits.

Our rational is that the more time we have to spread out payments, the better. The longer we have to fish around for cheaper alternatives the better too. It will also be nice to experience the beginning part of the planning process just the two of us (with some input from my mom because she isn’t crazy) so that we truly get a day that is exactly what we want (within our budget *resenting having to put that disclaimer* UGH). We will of course leave/create ample ways for CFMIL to participate and feel involved. But I am affecting the mantra already that this is OUR wedding and to hell with what other people think. The mothers have both had their own weddings and I *will* go bridezilla on their asses if they try to take over mine.

And with that I believe I am done my entry for today. 

Oh yeah… CFMIL = Crazy Future Mother In Law