8:53

christ i’m anxious lately. 

little mini panic attacks, constantly on and off all day. i hate when this happens. it always happens in periods of flux. before i went to college was the worst, and that was before i knew it was anxiety so i thought i just had heart problems. when i had just arrived in japan there was another smattering of them again. and now, the biggest change of all really because the future is so uncertain from here on out.

aaahhhhhh just have to get through the days. i’m good at keeping myself busy, there’s lots to do, but if i stop for even just a few minutes…… 

i’ve discovered that i really really enjoy hatha yoga… it actually works, to calm me down. i thought i only liked vigorous, active, strength-building yoga like vinyasa and ashtanga but that was before all the anxiety hit i guess. now i’m like addicted, it’s like i have to do it every evening or i just can’t fall asleep. the stretching is soooo niceeee i’m gonna be super flexible by the time.. the time… comes

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE DREAMS LATELY?!? that one, though, was pretty cool, where i was on the run from both japanese and american government forces. being on the run was inconvenient because i had pink hair and it stood out. i made it to a mall in fukuoka (because i could hide in there) and met up with ______ and he laid next to me and guarded me while i took a nap. nice dream. thanks for that dream, subconscious. 

there was another dream about him the next night but i can’t remember it anymore

i like to go back to that one thing i heard back in high school or sometime, that when you dream about someone it means they want to see you. i think about it still. wishful thinking of course, but it comforts me to half-believe that it’s true.

okay writing this all is helping with the anxious feelings. get it all out. 

fiona apple’s "paper bag" is so lovelyyy