On friendship and reciprocity

I’d like to think I’m a generous guy, and I’ve had people tell me that perhaps I give a bit too much, while getting very little in return from many of the people I call "friends". They say I shouldn’t pay for all the things we do, I shouldn’t stay up late helping people out with projects, I shouldn’t cut vacation time to give seminars, etc. etc.

The thing is, I really don’t know any other way to go about things. My concept of friendship has always been one of unconditional loyalty and respect to others, and I very often shower the people I care about with gifts, or whatever it is they need that I feel I can give.

Unfortunately, however, some of the people I thought were friends really didn’t seem to view friendship in the same way. They don’t seem to care about me as much as I care about them, and they always seem to just talk about themselves, or just seem to want to have our relationship center around their "universe" if you will; we go to the places they want to go, eat wherever they want to eat, do the things they want to do, watch the movies they want to watch, etc. etc.

Now, part of this is my fault. I don’t really complain when people end up being so selfish. I just grin and bear it, since I have a very high tolerance for things I may not always be interested in, and a huge supply of patience. I’m not saying I don’t even like these things, because in most cases I enjoy them too. I’m just saying that some people don’t seem to bother finding out what I like as much as I try to find out what they like. Friends like these, however, I still keep, mainly because I don’t fault these people for always assuming that we are so alike. After all, I’m the one who agrees to do these things when I could otherwise speak out.

But I guess a part of me yearns for a certain sense of reciprocity between myself and my friends. I, perhaps naively, wish for people who would treat me with the same care and concern as I treat them; people who would go the extra mile, stay up the extra hour, spend that extra thought or two. I just haven’t found many of those in my life.

And then, of course, there are the people who really aren’t my friends after all. These people are the ones who, year in and year out, keep taking and taking what I can give, without really giving back. People who expect the care and concern I can give them, but don’t even bother to ask me how my day was. People who immediately jump in to any conversation we have with whatever problem is bugging them most, expecting me to either find a solution, or have the time and patience to listen to them rant for hours on end about some generally trivial thing.

I’ve spent my whole life vainly wishing that these types of people will change, that all of the hard work I’ve put into the relationships we have will be rewarded some day, and that they will wake up one time and realize that I’m a really cool guy after all and that I deserve to have a day where all they do is think about what I want and what’s good for me.

But I guess, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to realize that people really don’t change much over time. Barring any significant life-altering experience, or emotional awakening, these types of people will always be the selfish, attention-grabbing people they’ve always been. It’s my folly (and hubris, I guess) to assume that things will be different if they just get to "realize" what I’m worth. I guess all I’ve realized is that they won’t ever change.

So now I’m declaring to the world that I will view friendship in a more realistic light. I refuse to be used anymore. I refuse to be the person who carries another up a mountain, only to have that person drop me over the other side. I refuse to go beyond the normal bounds of everyday acquaintance-ship with people who have no real interest in being my true friends. I think I’ve earned this right, after all these years of trying. And I think some people will be shocked when they realize I’m no longer going to give them the time of day.

It’s taken me a while now to realize that the thing I thought was infinite patience within me had already been turned to "infinite resignation" (not quite like Kierkegaard, but whatever). I’ve just given up. It’s too hard, I’m too tired, and they’re too "not worth it" for me to go on anymore.

My real friends will still be my real friends; I will always be there for them, stronger and more loyal than ever. But why waste my time on people I really feel aren’t contributing anything meaningful to my life? When life is so short, why waste another second on a person who wouldn’t give a damn about you anyway? From now on, I will devote my time to the people who really matter. After all, they are the ones who’ve made an effort to know, and do, what really makes me happy.