Mutant, Black Sheep, and Karma

In my family, I’m the only one who enjoys having pets, tends to socialize, and listens to more than just classical music.  In other words, I tend to be the one in my family who deviates.

Actually, I could even be the black sheep of society and the world since I do not enjoy eating or traveling, and like to make friends with members of all races, abilities, and social classes. Unable to eat much, I am not physically strong. Even worse, I am very resistent to change, and take forever to figure something out. By the time I grasp things, it is too late, so I’m left behind very much. Most of the time I feel that I just don’t fit in.

I’ve always thought that I was a mutant, mostly with defective mutant genes, especially since my family said that none of our realtives have the problems I do. Because of all those problems, I do not fear death. I have long accepted the reality that I don’t have a chance to survive in this world, and will not live long. Darwin’s law of natural selection says, "Only the fittest will survive," and I’m not even close to "fit." That is one reason I have been suicidal in the past. I would think," Why struggle to live if I know I’ll soon be wiped out by natrual selection?"

The problems have often made me wonder if they are related to karma. I must have been a male sexist, racist, bully, criminal, or anything related to evil in my previous life. Now, as a female and often a minority, I encounter sexual and racial discrimination in this life. The female gender is rare among my relatives with over three-fourths of them male. Quite a few of them are sexist, and have rubbed it in. Furthermore, besides not being physically strong, I have often had to deal with bullies and other unpleasant people almost everywhere, and usually end up in the worst situations. A number of times, I have fallen for traps and mind games. Since high school I’ve had much academic difficulty and trouble figuring out what to do and what is right. I am probably facing punishments for the bad deeds committed in my past life.

A few years ago, results of a fun test on the internet mostly matched what I had been thinking. They revealed me to ba a male and possible servant of darkness in my previous life. My present situations could also be the consequences of my past behaviors and actions, especially if reincarnation doesn’t exist. Growing up, I was rude, impatient, self-centered, mean, and arrogant, especially since I was usually at the top of the class. I disobeyed, hit, lied, bragged, didn’t treat others nicely, and often found ways to escape difficult situations and get my ways. Now I’m paying for all that. Another explanation could be that I live a cursed life, which doesn’t make much sense, especially since I tend to think there are reasons behind things. However, I have come to the realization that some things happen without logical explanations and reasons.

Despite deviating and pondering about my problems, I do admire the black sheep who make the world a better place, or intend to. I also admire those who have great accomlishments and good personalitites despite difficult situations. I know there are other people who do not have a chance to survive in this world, and we should violate the laws of nature to have them continue living a good life.