old decisions, new decisions

—from my other/public blog—

Apparently my 2011 decision to blog didn’t last long, but that’s ok. One of my 2012 decisions is to lower expectations of myself and others. I know that may seem really weird, but as it turns out my expectations in general – for myself, for others, for society – are just entirely too high. It causes a lot of anxiety in my life, and it causes some of my relationships to suffer needlessly. Chris often has to remind me, while we walk through a large crowd in the city or wait for bags at the airport, that I can’t assume the everyone else is intelligent, or is educated, or has manners, or is on their game. Sometimes people, even people who know better, make mistakes. (I have no idea what he’s talking about – I’m perfect.) Instead of getting angry, I should just accept that not everyone is going to live up to my standards, and I should adjust my own actions and expectations accordingly.

So it’s ok that I abandoned the blog after a month. The important thing is that I come back and give it another go.

In 2011 I made the decision to be happier. I’m going to stick with this decision. I’ve still got some work to do, but who doesn’t? This may or may not be a good time to let you know that decisions are not the same as new years resolutions. I don’t believe in resolutions – resolutions set you up for failure. They’re usually too lofty – with goals you’re likely not going to reach and/or goals that aren’t quantifiable. But which, for some reason, you still manage to beat yourself up for not meeting. Nope, I don’t do resolutions.

Decisions are completely different. I could decide one day that purple’s my favorite color and decide the next that it’s red. There’s no quantifiable goal, and therefore no guilt, no failure, no excuses. I’m done with guilt. I decided that in 2011 as well – and I stand by that decision. So in my world you make decisions. And then you live your life accordingly.

Chris just turned 28 – and I’m not far behind him. He told me he decided that “28 is the year of being healthy.” This is a good decision, and I’ve decided to do the same. I have to say we built a solid foundation in 2011 when we started working with personal trainers. I say trainers because we did have more than one in 2011, but to be honest there’s only one who really has changed our lives. We’re continuing to work with our personal trainer – twice a week individually, and then one “buddy” session on the weekend. Well, when we’re healthy, at least. It’s exciting to get stronger, be able to push myself harder… to have a ritual 3 times a week. Am I always excited to go? Absolutely not. Do I always love working out? Nope. But we keep doing it.

Chris’ real decision, however, is that he’s going to start eating healthier in addition to our training. This is a big distinction. Although I’m arguably in the best shape of my life, my eating habits have been, shall I say, less than desirable, and I’ve continued to gain weight despite working out. You would think this would be motivation enough. But that’s actually not what’s motivating me at all. I don’t really have this intrinsic desire to be healthy – but I do have a desire to not feel like crap during my workouts. Yep, that’s right – when I eat crap, my workouts are horrific and I don’t do very well in them. Kristin (my awesome trainer) likes to say “crap in, crap out.” However, when I consciously eat healthier things before my workout, I don’t feel like I’m almost going to throw up, and I have energy to actually get through the insanity she throws my way.

Tangent: During the cardio portion of my workout on Monday, I was doing wall-ball burpees. (read: worst thing ever) We did 2 minutes on, 1 minute off for 5 rounds. During round 3 or 4, in the middle of a burpee, something inside me said, “I want to quit. Just stop right now. Why are you torturing yourself – just stop.” And then I finished the burpee and did another wall-ball. It wasn’t even just a voice – I have not been that close to literally quitting since I started training. I was ready to stop and walk out the door. And I didn’t. I have no idea how I managed to keep it together and finish all 5 rounds. But I did… and I’m actually really proud of that.

So… we bought a George Foreman grill. And we’ve started making steak on it like 2-3 times a week. Our side dishes? Oh… brussels sprouts. Peas. Corn (in Chris’ case – he’s still a little veggie-phobic). My snacks? Raspberries, blackberries, and almonds. We’re really trying to watch our carbs. We’re really trying to up our protein-intake. And I’m all about not feeling sick during workouts. Good decision.

I’ve decided we need to save more money. And we also need to give away more money. It’s pretty easy to get out of the habit of giving when you don’t go into an office. That may seem a little strange, but a lot of the charities I gave to were because of people I worked with. I need to do some research and some soul-search and figure out what we should support. Ideas floating around my head include veterans, homeless, needy children, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. In no particular order. So I have some more decisions to make in that area.

I also need to get better at exploring the city on my own and not being afraid. But deciding to not be afraid is much harder than it sounds. I haven’t totally convinced myself on this one yet.

And finally, I’ve decided to become a bookworm again. Chris is assisting. Have you read the “Name of the Wind” or “Mistborn” series yet? You should make the decision to do so immediately.

(indecision)

TLDR: I’m going to be awesome in 2012. Happiness. Writing. Reading. Health. Giving.