professional women – I am talking to you.

Why is it that I log on, check notes, then check favorites immediately? Even when I have something to write? It just doesn’t make sense, so luckily this time I tore myself away from my favorites before I even got to Dani’s diary so that I could get this out before it all disappears. An entry written in my head that never made it to the screen.

Alright – professional women – pay attention. I am writing this specifically and directly for you.

We seem to spend a lot of time analyzing ourselves (guilty) and being overly conscious of what the world around us is thinking (again guilty). But what absolutely baffles me is the fact that so many of you are consciously aware at work that you are female and that because, in many cases (for IT, engineering, etc) you’re one of a few (or the only) women around, you have to prove yourself. You feel that, right off the bat, men are waiting for you to prove that you’re smart, and right off the bat men are assumed to be smart until proven otherwise.

My two cents: This is bullshit. Want to know why? I’ve never had this problem (Drew staring at my chest in my apartment does not count). And, as I am widely acknowledged to be a woman, there are really only two possible explanations: either I just have somehow managed to avoid all of these misogynistic men out there in the workplace, or it’s not about sex. Or at least it isn’t to the men. You see, I really don’t think men really give a damn what sex you are… until you give a damn about it. The fact that you’re conscious of being the only woman is exactly what creates the situations you face. Stop it. The men are not conscious of being men, so why the fuck are you conscious of being a woman?

Ok, here are a couple of caveats. I do realize that sexism is real, and that women do get overlooked for jobs. I realize that women get passed over for promotions when they are pregnant, I get that in many ways this is a very very real issue. If this is the type of situation you’re in, get the fuck out of your company and fast, or talk to an HR rep right away. I am not talking to you and wish you the very very best in that situation.

I’m talking to the rest of you.

I went to this workshop tonight for professional women and at the end there was a Q&A session. The whole presentation was ok until then – there were some interesting topics discussed (some fun pseudo-psychology stuff), and other things that I didn’t find as relatable and useful, but overall decent. And then the questions. Honest to god I don’t know how women get to this point. One woman said how her team of men said to her face that she is arrogant. Well, honey, it’s probably not because you’re a woman – it’s probably (and I don’t know you so I really don’t have any business guessing… but I’m going to) because you are fucking arrogant and annoying as shit. Other women, along the same vein, discussed that the perception of them was that they’re too harsh, too direct. They said that a man acting in a similar way would never be criticized. Alright let’s look at that.

First of all, there are multiple ways of interacting with people and getting your point across. If someone gives a suggestion and your answer is quite simply no… well ok. Let’s think of some other ways to say that. Maybe you do out-right reject ideas once in awhile. Maybe you could try mixing it up – instead of “no that won’t work and here’s the reason” try “that’s an interesting idea… how do you think it would affect x, y, and z?” Or “I’m concerned with how that might affect abc – how would you address that?” If you’re in a session developing direction or ideas, try pulling as much as pushing. Even if you know what you want find ways of getting those around you to come to the same conclusion… guide them on a path that almost makes them think they came up with it. You won’t seem like a bitch, or arrogant, or a know-it-all… you’ll be an effective leader.

Ok, next point – “a man in my situation would never get criticized.” Well, really? Couple factors at play here. First of all, maybe you’re more open to feedback than the male counterpart – maybe the perception is no different, just less verbalized. Then, maybe the male in question has earned the respect of those he’s commanding (or what have you). Maybe they have a good working relationship, joke frequently, but when shit hits the fan he says move and (because he’s built this relationship with the people) they move. Perhaps the woman in question hasn’t. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening – but it’s definitely an alternative route to the same solution.

I usually find an equal number of bitch leaders and bastard leaders. (At least in terms of overall percentage.)

Final thought – I think women tend to over-compensate for being a woman. There is such a thing as being an ueber-bitch for no apparent reason. Try not to do that.

At any rate, I was pretty flabbergasted at the women’s questions and comments at this thing. I didn’t really think the guest speaker was addressing some of this very well – in fact sometimes I flat out disagreed with her. I just wanted to kind of take over the entire discussion, say back up a sec, and start fresh. Yes, you’re a woman. Yes, statistically you tend to behave more this way and men more this other way… but keep in mind that regardless of sex there are different personality types that greatly, greatly impact interactions and perception. Perhaps women tend to have certain types of personalities and men have others, but that is by no means saying “this is true for everyone.”

Do we spend too much time analyzing women in the workplace? Do we psych ourselves out with all the women organizations? I think I would be pissed off by all-male organizations… so to some extent shouldn’t I be pissed off by all-female organizations? I don’t even like most women…

Oh YEAH – I forgot to wrap up my original thought!!! Women need to keep in mind that women are far, far more judgemental about other women than men. I think some women forget that and all of a sudden think of themselves as out-numbered and ganged-up on. Men are cool with you if you just be a part of the group. Women… I can’t always say that about.

You may now go on with your day.

/end rant

(indecision)