moments and journeys

One of my favorites posed the question – what are those moments that have changed you?

This is actually an exercise I went through toward the end of high school… I think (and you will probably laugh) that Dr. Phil on Oprah suggested making a list of your life-changing moments, or those life-realization moments. I’m sure my list has changed somewhat, so it’s time to write another.

– The first time I caught a friend staring at my chest. This was only a couple months ago, and it was Drew. Drew doesn’t really even attempt to hide this, and I’m sure other people have stared at my chest, but I’d never actually witnessed it was happening. It hurt me more than Drew will ever realize, most likely. It was like a sudden realization that I’m just another woman to some people, and rather than treating me just like everyone else I am different. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always understood that I’m female, and I like being female, but to realize that everyone else notices consciously that you’re female… that’s a rude awakening. Most of my friends are male and I am consciously aware that they’re male… but I treat them exactly how I would treat anyone who’s my friend. I see them as a person, not as their sex. This may make 0 sense, but to me it was very, very depressing. I started to question how people see me at work… I just felt very objectified.

– The realization that Christianity just doesn’t make sense. I suppose this was more of a gradual realization that an exact point in time or experience, but it certainly changed my life. It was several moments of time, several realizations on my own. It was my taking the time to really think through the beliefs, whether they made sense to me (which ultimately they didn’t) looking at other religions (and seeing the similarities as well as difference), looking at history and what scientifically makes sense.

– Falling in love with Chris. You may think this is cliche, and that’s your right, but bear with me. Falling in love with Chris, I will add, is very different than marrying Chris. I would argue marrying Chris did not change my life – and I’m right about this. That does not mean that we didn’t get married for a reason, or that it may not impact me in the future, but in reality marrying Chris did not change me one little iota. (except for perhaps my last name) What I’m talking about it introducing Chris into my life, realizing that everything I’d always looked for in a man wasn’t necessarily what I needed in a man at all. (People seriously throw away your list of things you’re looking for in a significant other – it’s a completely useless exercise. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, but when it comes to physical attributes or personalities, just forget about it.) Chris balances me, calms me down, helps me be rational, and let’s me be me. He freed me in a sense, and was in many ways the catalyst for me to really start thinking for myself and questioning everything.

– Traveling to China, and loving it.

– Getting my first hotmail account in 7th grade, downloading AIM for the first time in 9th grade. Finding OD on Bored.com in 10th grade. (I just looked and it’s still on there)

– Writing in my diary, and I’m not just talking about OD. I actually have hand-written diaries dating back to fifth grade. That being said, OD has obviously had a tremendous affect on me. I’ve met amazing people who have come and gone, I’ve connected with friends (IRL) in ways that would have been otherwise impossible, and I have a remarkable record of my life. Granted about 4 years of that was girly mumbo-jumbo, but nevertheless.

– Learning basic html from Jake (theDrummer)

– Becoming the editor of my college’s literary magazine. (Thank you, thank you, Meg. I never would have pushed myself to do it otherwise.)

– Cleaning out my grandfather’s house with my mother.

I know there are dozens and dozens of others, but we’ll start here. Perhaps as I think of more I will add to the list. It’s interesting to see what’s not on this list that used to be. (Eric Forbes, “why don’t you exercise” on the spiral stairs in jr. high; Chris Schenk, “you’re beautiful, Erin” during 4th mod breakfast in high school.) Things that change you at one point in your life don’t matter as much in others, yet at the same time still played a role in who you are now.

@~>~>-

(indecision)