who am I?

Hi, my name is Jane Doe… I mean Smith… I mean. I don’t know. What the fuck is my name?

Well, I’ve started the process. Most of me just hasn’t really had time to deal with it, but I have to admit… a small part of me has just been avoiding it. As long as I didn’t legally change it, I was still a … Doe… you know? I knew how to introduce myself (well usually), I knew how to sign my name… and it was me. My identity. Hi, my name is Jane Doe. Sometimes I’d get confused… I’d try saying “Hi, my name is Jane Doe Smith” to try and transition, but that just confuses everyone else. But I was still… me.

I’ve filled out the initial paperwork. I have my birth certificate, I have my marriage certificate, I have my driver’s license… all ready to get my new social security card. Somewhere inside my chest there’s a black hole, the opposite of a pressure… just some weird phenomenon. I’m scared… every fiber of my being is a Doe. All of my nicknames – Doe. LAB knows be as Doe. Hell, everyone knows me as Doe.

I can’t tell Chris I feel like this – he wouldn’t quite understand. He might say something like, “but don’t you want to be a Smith?” Of course. I have always wanted to be a Smith… I have always wanted to be Mrs. Smith. But I also want to be Jane Doe.

Anyway. I’ll let you know when it’s official. The social security office is only open on weekdays between 9am and 4pm. Seriously?? When the hell am I even supposed to go? (Current plan is to either take off of work early or try to go at lunch time one day.) Sigh.

So that’s where I am.

(indecision)

** names have obviously been changed to protect… well, me **