a total hodgepodge of ramblings, dreamergrrl style

Do you ever go to write, and then realize you have nothing to write? And then, as you hesitate and wait to click “write,” your mind starts wandering and you think about all the things going on – then before you know it you’ve blown it. You had an entry there right in your mind but didn’t write it down in time. It didn’t flow through your fingers, didn’t wind up on the screen in front of you… just fizzled away in your head.

Chris and I finally have an appointment with a Realtor his weekend! You would think with the housing market the way it is this would not be such a difficult feat, but… well it was. The first guy we contacted (who came highly recommended) responded to our first email, and when we replied with answers to his questions… we just never heard back! So anyway, we have an appointment with a woman who sold homes to two of my co-workers (and they absolutely love her).

I’m a little bummed… seems like the idea of living downtown has completely fizzled. I’m not going to lie, I was really starting to like the idea. It would have really changed our lifestyle – and I think mostly for the better. What I absolutely do not want to do is wind up way out in the suburbs. Not only would it be a ridiculous drive for Chris, it would really just make me feel… OLD. Let’s face it – we’re not having kids (at least not anytime soon – at least we hope) and there’s really no reason to live out there. I’d like a place where we’re still close to the amenities of the suburbs while still being close to downtown. And it would be nice to still have a bar within walking distance. Right now there’s one close enough to the apartment that we can. We don’t do it often (there aren’t exactly sidewalks lining the way), but at least we can.

So where to live? We also are picky. We need a two car garage. End of story. We need more than 1,000 square feet – our apartment is that big and we’re squished. And… we like newer construction. All those homes that have “charm” are quite frankly ugly as fuck. I hate those homes. We need clean lines… high ceilings… interesting architecture in a non-dated way. Plus I’d really like to avoid a money-pit – most of the older homes around this city are old enough to require a ton of maintenance (and therefore money). I’m picky – absolutely. But I think we should be to some extent.

New section start – sorry I didn’t transition at all.

I’ve become increasingly negative about my job. I’m more and more convinced it’s just not the job for me. It doesn’t motivate me, it doesn’t especially challenge me, but at the same time it absolutely does not utilize my strengths. Who ever thought I should be a project manager? I do not like to call people, and I do not like to have to organize things that I don’t understand. I may have been a computer science major, but let me tell you most of this stuff I’ve never touched in my life. Sometimes I go home and think what on earth did I accomplish today? My most enjoyable days are when I put together a newsletter for my team – I get to edit articles, play around with layout, adjust and create some graphics with Photoshop… it’s fun, it sucks me in, and at the end of the day I can say “hey check this out – I made this.”

And for as many people as I love at work, there are a lot that I’m not such a big fan of too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great company and I am honored to be a part of it… but I’m not sure I’ve had enough of the Kool-aid. I’m not sure it’s the perfect fit, and that makes me uneasy. I know it’s my first job – I get that. I know that a lot of people have worked their entire lives and never found that dream job. But you know what? I’m not content with that. Why should I just accept this because everyone else thinks I need to suck it up for my first job? I work longer and harder when I like my job. If you want more out of me you have to make me interested. Increasing my pay, while nice, will never make me any more motivated. (Granted not increasing my pay or lowering my pay will make me less motivated…) What motivates me – what makes me really put my heart into my job is being interested in, having results, DOING.

I don’t do enough.

I’m not the cutt-throat businesswoman I once thought I wanted to be. I don’t think I want to be that anymore. But either way, I don’t think IT is the right place for me. At least not IT project management.

I like listening to people, and giving advice (if I know what I’m talking about), and knowing what makes people tick. I like editing – words or logic or whatever. I don’t like originating. Don’t you dare make me write that paper. But if you write it I will edit the hell out of it and re-write parts. I like welcoming people into an organization and making sure they have all of the information they need to survive. Do you have a job like that for me? I like logic, I like creativity. I do NOT like organization. I do NOT like managing projects. I do like managing people. Anyone want my resume?

I love my lifestyle, I love how much money I make. Not so in love with what I do to make the money. It’s kind of pathetic, but I don’t want a pay cut to do something else. The thought of going back to school also makes me ill. I really don’t like the college type of school. I remember liking school before that – and there were a couple classes I liked. But mostly it just sucked.

I’ve been trying a semi-Special K diet. This week I sort of fell off the bandwagon… hardcore. But I mean, I notice a difference, I really do. Except for the fact that it was all in vain because I fell SO HARD off that bandwagon. I need to go to the store and get some more. I’ve enjoyed the vanilla almond and the chocolatey delight. Usually I’ll cut up a banana and throw that on there as well. The honey & nut cereal bars are killer – we’re talking rice krispie treat good! Hint though – if you try them make sure they’re not cold – they really don’t do well in a cold environment. They get really hard (ouch hard) and are too crunchy/fall-apart-y and lose the gooey sweetness that makes me not feel like I’m eating a 90 calorie cereal bar.

Did I just turn into a commercial? (yes)

I need to write thank you cards. I just can’t motivate myself. Blah!

I wish Chuck was on tonight instead of Lost. When did I become a tv junkie? That’s depressing.

I’ve decided I really want to make the effort to go biking more often this summer. Even if I have to strap my bike to my Z by myself without Chris, I’m going to go riding more. (But I suspect I can get him to go as well.)

That’s enough rambling, babbling for now. Back to reality.

(indecision)