flawed: diagnosing myself

I think I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I’ve said this before, but this time I really think I do have it. I’ve been reading a couple articles online, and it makes a lot of sense. They give several examples of the types of social situations that cause anxiety for people with SAD – some are dead on for me, and others aren’t. It also says some people really only experience it in specific situations – I believe I fall into this category.

I can’t tell you how often I have to make a phone call and put it off repeatedly. Sometimes it’s normal procrastination, but usually it’s because I don’t know what the routine will be when I call. The first time I ever remember having this phobia was my sophomore year of high school. I was supposed to be ordering a pizza for myself, and, having heard my mother do this countless times, thought I knew what the drill was going to be. The first thing she’d ever say on the phone was “delivery.” So I dialed, they answered and said something like “Pizza Hut how may I help you.” Something was wrong, this did not fit with the pattern I had witnessed… but still, all I said was “delivery.” Not “Hi I’d like to place an order for delivery” which makes a TON more sense, but just “delivery.” By their reaction I knew I had clearly made some huge faux pas and make a giant ass of myself.

Ever since I’ve had this irrational fear. And I do know it’s irrational – and looking back I even realize that simply saying “delivery” wasn’t a huge deal – yeah it was a little awkward that I did it that way, but so what, right? Who cares? I’m sure that guy who answered the phone didn’t think twice after hanging up with me. And I got the damned pizza. But still, I just have a really hard time picking up the phone and taking care of business. I would MUCH rather IM someone and get it done that way. (This is how I usually do it at work – we have an internal messaging system.) It does affect my life, though. For almost 6 months I went without birth control because I was too afraid to call a doctor. About 3 months in I tried calling one but the doctor was no longer accepting patients. (And again this is rejection for me, and again I wait 3 months before trying again.) Then one day I’ll be fine. I’ll pick up the phone and just do it without thinking. That’s the problem – if I think before I call I’ll never call. Or I do call and then feel like an idiot and do something weird because I over-thought it and it didn’t play out how I had anticipated.

Ok so that’s the phone thing. Then there’s the party/happy hour/forced mingling/large group of people I don’t know scenario. This one I can trace back to my 6th birthday (literally to the day). I had been taking ballet at a school for fine arts for a few months. Apparently I was half a rotation behind most people in my class (I would equate it to someone who starts college in January and is a semester behind, but still a freshman), and the first day of the new rotation was (lucky me) on my birthday. This means that most of the class moved on to something more advanced, but I remained in the same class for another rotation. No one really told me this was what was about to happen – I had no warning, and I’m not even sure my mother knew.

I had brought in tootsie-pops to hand out for my birthday, but when I got there we realized that a) there were way more kids than tootsie-pops and b) I no longer knew anyone in my class. So what did I do? I sat on the steps outside the room and cried, with the bag of too-few tootsie-pops in my hand. I remember it very vividly – sitting on those steps thinking how it sucked that it was my birthday and I didn’t have enough for the whole class – and I didn’t even know anyone in the class. That day I quit ballet and started piano lessons.

Next memory: junior high. Nicole C’s birthday party. We’re in the basement hanging out, and Katie K wants to play a game. She needs a volunteer for “transportation.” I volunteer (naive kid that I was) and go upstairs to wait for her to come get me. Katie comes up and tells me I’m supposed to be acting out being on an airplane, and everyone else will have to guess. I’m game – done that a lot before. I walk downstairs and sit in the chair provided. I start doing my thing – buckle up, get out a piece of gum (and yeah, I even had a piece of gum to get out), started chewing. Played up the whole thing. I notice everyone’s laughing. At the end Katie informs me everyone else was told I was sitting on a toilet.

Harmless, right? I acted (to the best of my ability) like it was funny and I didn’t care. But I did care. I was embarassed and a little bewildered as to the point. I felt like they were laughing at me specifically for falling into the trap, and not just at the trick itself. From then on when I’d get invited to a party I’d occassionally not want to go – and Mom always let me play the “I’m not allowed” card. But in reality she was probably facilitating my problem (not her fault at all though, she was trying to be a good mother).

Next memory: college. It’s sophomore year and Chris wants to go to a party. I can’t decide if I want to go. The thought of tons of people I don’t know around me combined with the thought of tons of illegal drinking around me (fear of getting caught probably played a big role here) confused me to no end. He ended up going with me and telling me it was fine, but I still cried the entire time.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve really wanted to go be social and wanted to enjoy those situations but not been able to due to fear of embarassment and awkardness. When Chris left that night I just hated myself for not being able to go. Hated being lonely. But I couldn’t make myself when it was actually time to make the decision.

These days I have to be social a lot of times for work and mingle with higher-ups during happy hours. I really suck at it – and I hate it a ton. I do a lot better when friends are around, though. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but if I can stick with a couple people I feel comfortable with as I mingle with those I don’t I feel a little bit better. Still awkward, though. At non-work events if I have at least one or two other friends around me I can deal with parties – it’s taken a bit of work to get that far, but I actually have fun (usually) now. Also with any group of people given some time I eventually get over my fears. Small groups are much better for me than larger groups. Large groups I won’t make contact with anyone… I’ll just sit there and feel horrible, embarrassed, awkward, guilty, etc. Small groups I’ll actually loosen up relatively quickly. Alcohol helps in both cases, but I try not to use it as a crutch. (and couldn’t for the first 20.5 years when I didn’t drink)

So there we have it. Not only am I indecisive… I’m also rather screwed up. But damnit I interview well and can speak in public without incident. (Although prior to either I will usually have mild stomach cramps and diarrhea, so maybe not completely without incident – I just always thought that was nerves.)

Anyway, I’ve decided to talk to my doctor next time I’m there and see if she thinks it would be worthwhile to see a psychologist.

But other than that I’m the perfect woman.

flawed (indecision)