stupid emotional crying me

Red, puffy skin, tear stained with useless, stupid, stupid tears. Dry-mouthed, knowing how all the water in your system has been used up. Eyes aching, corners burning, nose preoccupied… sniffling. And I hate myself for all of it. I hate myself for crying.

Why am I crying? Don’t ask me, because I’m already asking myself. And I don’t know… I don’t know why my eyes are now bloodshot and tired… they just happened. I’m tired, I’m so tired… and I’m sick of studying and reading… I’m sick of forcing myself to just finish these few more pages so maybe I can go upstairs and see Chris for a little while. I’m sick of working until 10:45, knowing that if I just go a little longer I can go upstairs, and the three of us will watch a movie like we planned. Only to have you two go to a party instead. If I had known that would happen, maybe I would’ve spent time with you then, and worked now.

It’s not your fault, you didn’t even want to go… you asked me if I minded… thank God you weren’t in my room to see the tears magically appear. And why should I care? Why shouldn’t you go take Jeff out? It is your last chance, our last weekend night at college, so go… go have a good time. And eventually you did invite me… but not right now. I’m too tired to go to a party. All I want to do is lie in your arms and fall asleep, but I can’t do that. Instead I’ll cry like a fool… cry like a girl who’s tired of studying, a girl who hasn’t gotten enough sleep, a girl dealing with stupid stupid horomones and cursing them. Cry like a stupid little girl who’s gotten way too attached to her boyfriend.

I don’t understand… I wanted you to go. I really did. I’m glad you’re out with Jeff right now… I just can’t stop the tears. We spend every little spare moment together… I can tell my friends are sick of it… I can tell they’re slightly mad or slightly disgusted or slightly bewildered… I’m not blaming them… I’ve never been good at balancing. And now, with 6 days left… -tears- it’s not going to get any better.

-cries-

What happened to that strong woman I always wanted to be? That strong, independent, autonomous woman that was supposed to be me? I’m a sap. I’m such an emotional sap. I’m a wreck, and I’m entirely too dependent on people. I’m dependent on Chris, I’m dependent on people being there when he isn’t, even when I’m not ever physically there for them. I’m a selfish selfish person. But I wish they knew how much I do care about them, how much I do think about them and wonder what’s going on in their lives.

Let’s face it, I’ve always done better in small, tight groups. And we all needed separate groups, I think, anyway. It’s nice to be friends with the same people and have the ability to have that, but I think it’s important we have our own. Live a new life at college. But this isn’t what this is about, is it.

This is about me being weak. Me, crying to you because I have no one else to cry to right now. Stupid, dependent me, crying because I can’t bear the fact that we’re leaving Friday… moving out, never to live here again. Never to have this same community of people, even if we will all come back to this campus. And stupid, dependent me isn’t able to handle the thought of not seeing Chris everyday. Change. My phobia. I know that once we move back to our respective homes and start living our summer lives, I will adjust, and I will be just fine. But God, it’s hard right now, and it’s going to get harder before I adjust. Why did I have to fall for you so hard?

So let me read now, let me cry now, let me sleep now. Come wake me up when you get home. I’ll hope you haven’t been drinking, but I won’t say anything either way. It would be naive of me to think you wouldn’t tonight… and I’m ok with it. I really am. I’m ok with it because I like you too much, and because I needed to get over my fear. And you say just being with me makes you not want to drink as much… even at all sometimes. I always smile at this, happy that you’re not drinking as much, and you’re happy that I’m not telling you not to drink. So we’re happy… and behind my smiling eyes I thank God that somehow my presence makes you not feel the need to drink, because if you dug into my soul, you would see that I wish in my heart of hearts that you didn’t at all… ever. But you are who you are, and you do what you do, and I do what I do… and I love you, regardless.

So I will go to sleep now… wake me when you come in… maybe my tears will have dried by then.