in Chris and Steve’s room

So, I need to write, but I also need to not be in my room. I need to write, but I need to sleep… I need to study psychology more than either of those things. Perhaps even read some Plato. But I can’t right now. This is it. This is all I can do.

Chrisology much? Yeah hello September-October Chris. Who, by the way, is on Steve’s bed reading while I’m typing this at his computer. Several important things have to happen here. First of all, he needs to not know how to get here or see my diary, because obviously that would be bad in some ways. Second of all, I need to be thorough about deleting the history.

This keyboard is extraordinarily loud.

Ok, so seriously… who does that??? What guy has a girlfriend 6 hours away, makes one female friend in a huge college, is about to leave for 5 days to spend with his girlfriend, and before he goes gives the friend a Valentine’s gift? A heart-shaped brownie that he bought, a cinnamon mint, and a letter that basically… well, who even cares? Who does that?

I don’t even care that it sucked because it was a written memo that pretty much said we’re friends without saying it… I knew that, I didn’t need it to be said. But it just sucked because it was depressing, and, well, sucked a bunch. It’s confusing, and it’s sweet, and it’s the nicest thing in the world. The nicest thing in the world that happens to be the type of thing that never happens.

So I’m all stupid and depressed and in need of male emotional support… but in a good together way. Which I can’t get. Therefore I’m sooo thankful to have my fake siblings here… it’s so nice to have Meg to comfort me, and have Alex to be my brother – I’m soo thankful for him – and then to be able to come up here to Chris and Steve’s room, where I feel completely at home, completely surrounded by people I love and people I know care about me. *sigh* I hate when I get like this… I know all of you hate when I get like this… it just… has to be sometimes.

What is with the word parenthetical tonight?

There are cork tiles in this room.

Chris is glowing… the cutest thing in the world… but it’s beyond cute. It’s… it warms… it’s just completely innocent but beautiful and binding.

I suck at life. This about the 100th time I’ve had to say that tonight.

So I just said we’re the same as we were in high school. And then obviously realized that wasn’t true for Chris… and all of a sudden it occurred to me that it’s NOT TRUE AT ALL. Oh my God… I have no words anymore… it’s different… it’s changed… I’ve changed. I….