one month later

I wrote this last night, and I wasn’t planning on posting it. However, I decided that I’m just going to trust all of you. No matter what our friendship status is, I’d like to think that we all respect each other’s diaries and the information in them.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with this. It was supposed to be easy, it was supposed to be… a relief. Actually, last night it was a relief. I don’t think it was possible to be happier about breaking up than I was last night when it happened. But somehow I’m left looking back through the year and the one month (almost to the hour) that we shared… totally unsatisfied.

I feel like I wasn’t done. I feel like we gave up hope before even really being together. One month ago we were in Nashville… and we were both experiencing some insane feeling that we’d never felt. He said he was falling in love with me… I knew I was falling in love with him. We came back home… and he called me in tears… in TEARS. The next day he was single. That Friday we shared our first kiss – I guess you could call it our first date. That was the most incredible night of my life. And yet somehow I feel like all of the passion that we contained for one another was released in those few hours… that suddenly that was all we had left after months of… wanting. But that week… I was in love for that one week.

He asked me out en route to Chicago, and that’s where it fizzled. I don’t know whether the trip was just terrible, or whether it was foreshadowing that we weren’t meant to be, but Chicago wasn’t all that fun. It just… wasn’t. I was sick for at least two weeks, and he was sick for a week. We didn’t see each other for five days, then spent 6 hours together. And then we didn’t see each other for over a week.

I talked to him Tuesday night before Florida. I was in such a bad mood… why was I in a bad mood? I felt like everything he said was just getting to me. It’s the first phone call I ever remember having with Alex where I just wanted to scream at him. I was supposed to call him later that night to say goodbye, but when I did, he wasn’t there. I remember almost crying and just saying “jerk” into my pillow. I couldn’t believe I didn’t get to say goodbye.

When I came back from Florida, we had a conversation on the phone. The next thing I knew, we weren’t together anymore. In fact, we decided that we had never even felt like a couple. We said that we still felt like best friends… but with benefits. We said it cheapened the friendship, that the friendship was worth more than anything and we could not end up not talking. We couldn’t screw that up. And we broke up. Mutually.

Today I found out about Jane. I found out that she told Alex she liked him sometime this week. I found out that he told her he liked her too… but he wouldn’t do anything until he broke up with me. I am Vanessa. But I talked to him later on. We talked, we were honest, I told him he needs to figure out what he wants… as a friend. I said that I didn’t care that it was me he broke up with… I care that he keeps breaking up with people in this manner.

But this is the truth. I could handle knowing we broke up with each other. I could handle it when I realized that I did in fact want to be single, and that things with Alex weren’t going as I had hoped. But I cannot handle knowing that there was someone else. I am Vanessa. And I feel so stupid for believing that things would be so perfect between us, but why not? We had everything… we were best friends… we were attracted to each other… we were supposed to be perfect. We were perfect… for a week. And Jane. Jane of all people. Jane, because Jane and Alex really would be perfect together. They would be adorable and right and it makes me ill. It makes me wonder why we couldn’t be perfect.

And then I think we could’ve been. Could’ve Would’ve Should’ve. Doesn’t mean a damned thing now, but nevertheless, I think it. What if we had gone slower? What if we hadn’t focused on so many physical aspects and grew together as a couple? What if we had just allowed ourselves a little more time? Lord, we were only together a month. We weren’t even together that long, considering illness and time away from one another. We were supposed to go to Virginia Beach and Prom and spend our summer together. Everything pointed to the fact that we should be together. Everything.

And the worst part is, I’m more upset with myself than with Alex or our relationship in general. I KNEW that I wanted Alex… I’d known for a long time. Even when I was with Nolan and did not admit it… I wanted to be with Alex. Alex was the only guy that ever came close to fulfilling all of my requirements. And finally it happened… fireworks… glowing… togetherness… for a week. For a month? Not quite. So here I am, and I’ve found out that what I thought I wanted… what I knew I wanted with all my heart and soul… was not what I wanted at all. Or was it close? I can’t even tell… I’m so confused.

I know this is the best thing. I know that I really just want to be single, and I know that going off to college will be so much simpler. But I also know myself. And I know that regardless of whether or not I’m over Alex, I will always have a jealousy toward whoever he’s with, Jane or not. I was jealous of Andy when I hated him. I was so incredibly jealous of Vanessa when she had Alex. I got tiny pangs of jealousy when I saw Nolan and Vanessa start to become close. I know that when I see Alex and Jane together (despite the fact he says he won’t date any time soon), I know I will break down. Because even if I don’t like him, his being in a relationship means I won’t get Alex time. It means I become second place again… I’m just the best friend. And I hate that. Maybe it’ll change.

It was so much easier when I didn’t know about Jane. But somewhere in the back of my head I knew it was someone. I thought a relapse with Vanessa, but I knew that wasn’t possible. I thought maybe Cloe finally got to him… but that seemed unlikely that they would couple up. I thought maybe Danielle, and I thought Jane was still with Derek. But I guess that ended a week ago. I am Vanessa.

I don’t want to be Vanessa.