three blind mice

Kim I wish you could hear yourself talk with different ears. I really really do. I thought it was so ironic after how everyone was upset at me for being with Nolan, that you would be acting how you’re acting. And yes, you DID get upset at me. Might I remind you that you didn’t talk to me for almost a month because you were upset at me? Lord knows why… perhaps jealousy. Whatever, that doesn’t matter. So why would I understand out of all people? Why? Because suddenly you’re being hypocritical?

And by the way, Becky was upset. She couldn’t be mad at you for being there or anything, but she was upset after you all left.

Furthermore, did it ever occur to you that at my party you three were in your own little world? It was like a huge wall was surrounding the couch and you were refusing to talk to anyone else. Actually, it was really rude. It seemed like you didn’t feel like anyone else deserved to be there or something. I don’t think I got to talk to any of you the entire time. (though I did try) After you all left the first time, we all went back to my house, because Vanessa was having trouble breathing. Most of the people were too cold to continue, so they went in my house to thaw out, while 6 of us kept caroling a while longer. When we came back, they were watching a movie. Not my choice, but if that’s what they were doing, I wasn’t going to tell them to stop.

It didn’t tick me off that you brought Matt, Kim, because you had asked me previously. I said you could bring him. That was fine. What did tick me off was the fact that you all just assumed that Ryan could come too. It’s not that I don’t like Screw-up, because I do. But my house was crammed as it was, and you hadn’t even asked. Maybe this is a new concept for some of you, but you don’t just randomly show up places with people unless they’ve been invited or you’ve asked. My parents did give me a limit on how many people I could have, not to mention my house just has its natural limits.

As far as you thinking I’ve changed, why is it that none of my other friends think I have? Aside from the obvious changes like the fact that I have a boyfriend, I’m still me. I still write I still rant I still care about the people that are close to me and even not so close to me. Maybe you don’t see it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t. I’ve just been more clearly defining who I am. If you can’t handle that, fine. I don’t really give a damn anymore. I’ve done nothing but struggle for the past 2 or 3 months to fix everything. There’s never a time when one of you isn’t ticked at me or not speaking to me. Frankly, I’m sick of it. I don’t make any plans 2 months in advance, unless it’s a party or a concert or something. But it’s not like anyone ever calls me to ask me to do anything anyway, so how would you know what plans I have? Yeah, I can’t remember the last time any of you asked me to do anything, with the exception of Kim asking me to go to Bennigan’s.

Oh, and by the way Emma, I was NOT wishing I was with Nolan. I was glad to have the time to hang out with people… it was so nice to get to spend time with Garett, Becky, Ron, Ashley, Nina, Kate, Alex… I was fine. And to Aimee, when did I ever spend time with any of the guys I liked for the specific reason that I liked them? Oh, that’s right, NEVER, because I never dated anyone before Nolan. I never had the courage to. Any time I ever had with anyone I liked was because we were all friends with him and we just both happened to be somewhere. But even then that was just like Garett or Ron or Scott.

So if you want to go screaming your heads off that I’m a different person, go ahead. Be my guest. My parents disagree. My sister disagrees. Meg disagrees. Nolan disagrees, and yes he did know me 6 months ago… and yes he did know me a year ago. Any changing I’ve done consists of finding confidence in myself and feeling ready to go off and become my own person. Independence. But that’s always been me. Ever since I was 2 years old. Maybe the me you all seem to remember as a different me was just your misrepresentation of who I am. Maybe you didn’t, after all, know me as well as you thought. Because I sure as hell have not changed.