crying in German

*heulen*

I’m sitting in German… it’s the last class of the day. I’m completely composed, though rather ticked off at the discussion topic of the day. 15 more minutes, then I’ll be done with school. Break down. Crying in the middle of a class… trying to hide it. But then she calls on me. I don’t know how to say I haven’t paid attention for the last 8 minutes. I panic… and open my mouth… and try to form the words “I’m sorry… I haven’t really been thinking about…” then a total break down. Completely bawling my eyes out… all 10 of the others watching me.

I’m under a lot of stress right now, to be honest with you. Normally my classes are quite difficult, and this week is no exception. I have tons of physics homework, labs, and whatnot. I have calculus homework that I don’t understand. I have German vocabulary to look up. I have to read Hamlet. I can handle that in itself, though. That’s not so bad. But then I have show choir combo on top of it all. We have 3 performances this weekend. This means a 3 hour rehearsal every single day. I can’t seem to get everything done… my stress level is probably as high as its been for a long long time.

I’m also emotionally kind of wacked up. More and more I’m realizing how many true friends I’m not very close to anymore. I really don’t have that many people to confide it. And even less who understand me. It seems like there’s always someone who hates me or isn’t talking to me or is hurt by me. Or hurts me. I can never have all of my friends at once. In fact, I rarely have most of them these days. I talk to most of them… but… there’s very little there.

The trigger. Let’s talk about the trigger. First let me say that Meg isn’t really responsible for this. She didn’t mean to… she was just being Meg… but it set me off. It began during Thanksgiving break. We were both only several times, and I wanted so much to talk to someone about some things that were going on in my life. Some things that she knew about already that no one else knew about. I found myself trying to talk… and finding that her life was awesome at the moment. I can’t say that I blame her for wanting to talk about how much fun she was having. She was visiting with all her old college friends… going out… having a blast with people. But it only made me jealous and… well not jealous… more like helpless that I wasn’t getting a chance to talk. And disturbed that she got to be so darned social during break and I saw practically no one.

We got to school on Monday and I was still a little hurt/mad at her, but I didn’t say anything. Things were kind of… not us-ish, but getting better I suppose on Tuesday. But today in German… I couldn’t handle it. First of all, I really didn’t like the topic. It made me mad, and the detestable thing about that class is the fact that you can’t argue your point at all. So I knew Meg somewhat understood this, and I semi-refused to talk about the subject, but was willing to talk if I was allowed to voice other arguments besides those we were supposed to discuss. Meg said “eng” in reference to some people that were close with Clinton or something? At any rate, when she spoke, I didn’t understand that by “eng” she meant close… because all that came to my head was narrow… which is what I thought eng meant. Which it does, but it also can be used how she used it. It just really didn’t occur to me. And all of a sudden she snaps, “Sorry if it isn’t the perfect word!” Whoa… ok… that just really… really… shocked me or something. I tried to explain that I was just confused, and we got on with the somewhat one side conversation. Then she said I could still talk, even if I don’t like the topic, and that I take things to personally. Ok, fine… that was hard to listen to as well. And then the ultimate trigger.

“You can still talk…” I know I just don’t have anything to say right now. (as I was thinking and staring off into space) “Yeah it’s been like that for a couple of weeks now, hasn’t it.” Totally viciously. Of course, she didn’t mean it viciously, at least I don’t think, because Meg isn’t vicious like that. She’s just… Meg… and she says stuff. At any other time I’m pretty sure I could have handled it. But by then I was gone. Crying. In the middle of German. God do you know how embarrassing that is?

I’ve cried several times since then. Not quite so intensely, but tears have definitely come. I think I’m dehydrated now. I never crying during classes… what in the world possessed me I’ll never know. So now Meg’s cried in German. And I’ve cried in German. Is Dani next? Let’s hope not…

I miss Aimee.

~swept away in tears~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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