going back…

I’m going to be ok. Tonight I spilled half of my guts to Meg for about an hour or so. I had intended to wait until tomorrow night to talk, but it couldn’t be helped. The words just came. Most of those words which I wrote, which were not here. The words that I could barely write let alone speak. But it was good.

Tonight Nolan and I went out. I missed him so much. That has to be most of the problem… it must. After going to a church coffee house to hear a band, we went to Border’s where we sat and chatted for an hour. I drank my chai, he his cappuccino, and we just talked. I babbled and rambled about the most ridiculous things… we discussed things and made fun of each other. I openly declared how much I hate this city and how I feel the need to be completely independant at the moment. I want to just move into an apartment right now and live my life. (I wouldn’t… I just want to…) I cursed the stupidity of teenagers in this city who are currently out getting trashed… and raved on about conformity. We sat and simply took in the essence of Border’s… sitting, staring, talking. Perhaps the strangest part was the Christmas-y mood it put me in. (And I… the one who condemns the stores that celebrate Christmas before Thanksgiving!)

Seeing Nolan was what I needed. Talking to him was what I needed. A nice hot chai with whipped cream was what I needed. To sit in a bookstore/cafe and just chill out was what I needed. I suddenly became myself again, perhaps more vibrant than ever. I had the urge to write… and here I am.

I still have issues… and I still need that talk with Meg until 3am tomorrow when I go to live with her… but I’m on my way. Perhaps, however, my title is incorrect. I don’t believe that I am going back at all… I believe I am going forward. I feel like a different person. I feel like an independant, strong, intelligent girl who is not procrastinating and is sorting through herself. Somehow through discombobulating my thoughts and feelings and my entire structure of emotions, I’m coming forth even stronger with a sense of everything that’s right and as it should be.

After Nolan left tonight, I got out my 1000 piece puzzle that I never finished. (Those darned green pieces!) I snapped a few more in place tonight… a few more steps towards the entire puzzle. It struck me as being rather symbolic.

At any rate, I now look forward to seeing the play with him tomorrow. I look forward to sitting with him and his family Sunday at the band banquet. God I missed him. I saw him everyday… barely… but I saw him. And I missed him so incredibly much. That must be it… I’m formulating new ideas. Yes, Meg, we still need that chat.

Love to my readers… I’ve neglected you and left you out… but I still love you more than ever.

~swept away to a new level~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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