refreshing… thoughts to clear the thinking

On a somewhat lighter note… (middle C anyone?)

You can’t even conceive of how much better I feel now that I’ve written. I’ve been so stressed these past few weeks, and everything just built up yesterday. That hopeless feeling was starting to re-emerge… I detest that feeling. I loathe stress with my entire being. Of course, I am the queen of procrastination, but lately I haven’t actually procrastinated as much as one might think. Besides, that type of procrastination doesn’t stress me the way that I detest. THAT stress just makes me get through assignments or whatever it is that I need to do. THAT stress can even be good. This stress as of late is stemming from being not too healthy mentally at the moment. Sleep deprivation… our worst enemy.

I want to sleep all weekend. I want to sleep and lie outside under some beautiful tree and read. I want to gaze at the leaves changing. I want to stretch out and then curl up into a little ball for more sleep. I want to crash somewhere with my boyfriend and watch a movie. Be completely mindless. Take a mental vacation.

I think it’s partially Dostoeyevsky taking its toll. I honestly believe that. Of course, the actual busy-ness and stress is the major component, but I have a habit of adapting a thinking pattern or somewhat of a mindset of whomever I read. Odd? Perhaps… but I would like to think that all writers and avid readers do the same.

I suppose I should write about Homecoming. Kim can’t believe I haven’t yet… but to be honest I just don’t have the motivation to do it. I could tell you that I loved getting dressed up… that it’s probably the most beautiful I’ve ever looked in my entire life. I could tell you exactly how we looked, and exactly what we did… I could rant about how the DJ was horrible, and how one of the speakers blew out. What’s the point? The point is we had fun… that the party afterwards at Kim’s house was probably more fun than the actual dance. It’s my first dance where the guy has asked me… my first dance actually going with a boyfriend (that makes sense, considering he’s my first boyfriend, doesn’t it… I’m just making fun of my obviousness, don’t mind it)… Definitely a night worth remembering in my life, yet somehow not conducive to writing.

The lovely thing about writing is how much time it gives you to think. I find myself sitting here at the computer, staring off into space (my usual “zoning out”), thinking of what to write… sorting out what should be said and what should remain in my mind to ponder further. Of course, the entire point of writing thoughts is to ponder them, but there must be a certain organization of thoughts before they can be transformed into words. *chuckles to self* We talked about how Raskolnikov thinks too much. Or was that the normal interpretation? At any rate, I think that was the one thing I liked about him more than anything else.

Thinking too much only makes you realize the world. He, of course, thought irrationally at times… or without morals. But in his thinking he refutes exactly what I have just said. We create our own morals… who has been given the right over time of what is “right” and “wrong”? A most worthy topic… although one my conscious mind would love to ignore. Every philosopher wants, to some extent, to ignore his or her mind and hold on to current beliefs with all his or her might. But, of course, the over-rule that want in order to challenge themselves. If your beliefs are, after all, “correct”, then of course you will come back to them. Thinking away from your ideals will only strengthen the truths. Questioning will only result in answering, even if the answer was already on the page.

~swept away in thought~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

***~***~***~***^~^~^~dreamergrrl~^~^~^***~***~***~***