an entry from my diary
Written last night:
Dear Diary,
I have quite a bit to say, though I’m not sure how much will be written. I’ve not decided whether or not to type these entries up as free writing. You know well how much I could submit. The question is how much of my life I want to submit. Especially the fluff…
[I edited about 2 paragraphs here of stuff you’ve already heard about.]
So this is me. Despiseable. A couple. I joked about my hypocrisy for awhile. But Aims and Emma still hate me. They think that when I’m with Nolan I think I”m better than them. I might add that this is completely twisted. The problem here, is that with or without Nolan, I often find them beyond irritating these days. Not always, but sometimes. It began the week before band camp, before Nolan was seriously in the picture. That is misconception number one. The second is that I believe I’m better than them. No. Not better. More mature sometimes yes. They made me realize my crazy, weird, immature side. A side I am truly glad I found. However, Lately I’ve been discovering that I’m not TRULY always that crazy. That was a one-dimensional me.
Being with Nolan is helping me find another side of me. That one-dimensional me WAS me, just as I claimed. It’s not a sophomore year “that wasn’t me” deal. Instead, it’s a “that was me but not all of me” deal. And now I’m given the opportunity to show someone all sides of me. To hold nothing back.
The saxy saxes were crazy. It was fun. A LOT of fun. But I’ve always been “Sister Mary”… they should know that. I was always the one trying to keep people simmered… only now I’m allowed to show that part of me more.
You know what the heck of it is? If I were in their positions, I’d be reacting the same way. I know that because I have been there. We’ve all watched it together in the past. But now it’s me. Perhaps a piece of it is jealousy. I don’t know.
Why can’t everyone get along. And why am I suddenly the source of all these problems? Do they honestly want me to stand up and say, “I’m sorry I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life. I’m sorry I finally got what all of us have dreamed about for so long,” ? Because I have no intention of ever thinking that. I only wish I could share it with them instead of feeling like I can’t talk to them.
I had so much fun with the flutes Saturday morning. I really did. Last night at the church party I had an awesome time with Sloan, Meg, Dani, Emily, Steve, and all those other people that I know but don’t really interact with. And to be perfectly honest, I had a lot more fun in the first 2 or more hours when Nolan wasn’t there. (Although I’m glad he came, especially for the worship thing… because that’s definitely a good thing to be open about.) Aims isn’t even giving me a chance.
Or maybe I’m just a selfish bitch.
@~>~>-
Hmm, debating whether or not to save this…
@~>~>~-dreamergrrl
-sigh- I know what this is like. Sometimes your friends annoy you, but that’s just a part of friendship. You can’t ignore it or it gets worse. Sometimes you just have to slap it to them to get them to realize that what they’re doing is annoying you, and leave it up to them to decide what to do. It’s frustrating, I know. Good luck.
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