*hits self in head repeatedly*

I hate myself. I hate it. I HATE THIS. I hate the way my mind and my heart and my body all have their own opinions and I wish they would all stop fighting and just get along. I thought I knew what I wanted. I knew what I wanted last night. And I told Andy, more or less, that it wasn’t him. But now I don’t know what I want again. And I just keep playing key moments over and over and over in my head… and I can’t stand it anymore. And do you have ANY IDEA what I just said to him??? “andy… i… that last dance… i loved it… i don’t know why, but i just thought you should know” I’m SUCH A LOSER. Why did I go and say that? What was he supposed to say to that? I hate it. I hate that I said that. But I wanted to so much. And I want to ask him why he kissed my neck. And I want to ask him why he didn’t kiss ME. I want to ask him why he always almost touched me or slightly touched me at Cedar Point, but never actually… held me. I want to ask him why I can’t decide what I want.

I DON’T freaking want Andy! So why do I freaking want Andy? Or do I just THINK I want Andy? Don’t I just want what I get when I’m with Andy? Don’t I just want that boyfriend-ish feeling? Am I just too impatient to find the real thing and therefore make myself think I could settle for Andy? I don’t want to settle for anyone. But I want it so badly. I want someone to guide my back, and poke at my dimples, and purposefully leave no space between us when we’re standing in long lines for roller coasters, and just put his foot right next to mine… just because it’s so… it’s so sweet in a way. And EVERYONE and their MOTHER is telling me how cute we looked at prom, and how cute we look in the picture, and how they could tell just by watching us that we liked each other.

AHH! And he SO DOESN’T GET how confused I am about this whole situation. I told him that I changed my mind and that I don’t know what I want at all. He said “well just think about it hun”… as if I HAVEN’T BEEN DOING THAT ALL DAY. And the day before this, and two days before that.

me: that’s not the confusing part at all
andy: what is it
me: um, hi you
andy: ah
andy: we like each other and have no clue what to do
me: sort of… yes… and no… but yes

Is he not understanding that only half of me likes him? It’s sounds so horrible to say and yet it’s too true. But I think he thinks I like him just as much as I ever did… bah. I DON’T KNOW. Wait, I think I’ve said that FIVE BILLION TIMES NOW.

Before logging off he told me to write him an email if need be, and that he’d read it tomorrow. I’m contemplating just sending him this entire damned entry. A little harsh perhaps, but it’s not like I’m saying I don’t want him at all. Because I obviously do. I’m just too STUPID to separate my different wants and needs or something. Besides, then he would just know everything that is going through my brain… just kind of give him the key inside of that big mass of gray up there. The only problem there is I, in return, do not get a key of that nature to Andy’s gray matter. To send or not to send? That is the question.

But for right now, I’m being

~swept away in visibleness~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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