Things (yet more)

So I went to Nicole’s party, and ended up talking to Jill a lot. Poor girl… she’s more depressed than she seems I think. There’s a lot of pressure on her, and I don’t think she quite knows who SHE is… what SHE wants. I don’t know if I know either.

Basically right now I’m a little depressed. Not like a full-fledge depression. More like a very short phase I’m going through about certain aspects of life. Such as what I’m going to DO with my life. Most people are going to tell me that I’m still only a junio – that I have time to decide. That I can go to any darn college I please and have no major for two years and it will turn out just fine. Great. I just wish I could figure it out now. Yes, I’ll decide sooner or later, but I wish it could be sooner. And I wish I didn’t have to decide at all. I wish some person would just walk up to me one day, and say “You are meant to do this… go do it.” But that would be the easy way out…

So this begs the question, “Lord, what do you want from me? What is your plan? Where am I supposed to go, and what am I supposed to do there? Why? When will I know?”

Next stupid little thing I’m going through. The entire “where is mr. perfect” thing. Grr. I hate this phase. I go through it either every other month, or twice a month, depending on the month. So basically there’s no rhyme or reason to when I go through my little obsession. Right now I think I’m looking too hard. But I wish that I would walk into school on Thursday to find some awesome guy is in one of my classes that I’ve never met and absolutely fall in love with. Of course that’s not going to happen… but one can hope, right? I go through the lists of guys I know, and I can’t even manage to find one that I could go to homecoming with. Of course In about 2-3 weeks I’ll start getting desperate and going through that list of friends, but I don’t even want to think about that. SOMEONE JUST ASK ME! It would be a first. I would love to go to homecoming with someone that truly wanted to go with me. Alas… that would not belong in my life.

So I will walk blindly into school on Thursday (I haven’t even bothered walking through my schedule. Do I even know where I PUT that thing??? Oh well…) hoping that my classes are GOOD, but not TOO hard. And I’ll hope for the best of friends this year, as well as the best of times. (I have a theory that each year gets better and worse than the last…) But I hope this year is the best I’ve had yet. I hope I find my calling in life, so to speak. I hope I go on a date once or twice. I hope I maintain the exact person I am and want to be. I hope I can be devoted to school, band, and God. And somehow, I’m not sure I can do it all. Actually, I’m positive I CAN do it all… but it may require a lot of work. This scares me. I am deathly afraid of working. Is that wrong? I don’t study. I don’t want to do homework. I want to use my brain as efficiently as possible and just barely get my A and go home knowing the little that I studied and having the satisfaction that if someone handed me an Algebra II textbook I could go back, read it, and know exactly how to do a problem. I’m so lazy.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl
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