6/23/00

Peter. In one word I stated my every wish and every problem. You have no idea how huge of a problem it is.

For all of you non-believers in love a first sight, you will hate what I am about to say. As I explain, however, perhaps you will begin to understand how it is possible to believe that something is love at first sight before knowing whether you love that person.

Two summers ago, the summer before my freshman year, our church sent out a flier introducing the new ministers’ family. I make ministers plural because they are a husband and wife team – both ministers. They have 4 kids, (and I use that term lightly as one is a senior in college, another a freshman in college, one a junior in high school, and the youngest an 8th grader). A picture of the entire family was included… that’s when it first struck me. The youngest, a boy, wasn’t all that bad looking. He just sort of, well, was THERE. (It was only later that I actually found out he was going in to 6th grade. Remember I was going into 9th…)

Later in the summer we were invited to the parish to meet the new ministers and the entire family. The minute I walked into the back yard I saw him. He was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Of course I spent the time that day getting to know his sister who’s the same age as me, but believe me, my eye was kept on him. Despite his grade, he LOOKED like a freshman!

Throughout the year I became more involved in youth group and became good friends with both of his sisters, but primarily the one closest to my age. Of course I’d see him quite a lot as well, which I managed to suffer through, lol. It was horrible to know that a kid 3 years younger than me was the one person I had a crush on. It’s still a very wierd thing to think about. Most kids who are 3 years younger seem SO YOUNG! But the truth is, he never seemed that young…

As a part of the youth group, you learn to hug a lot of people. These ritual hugs included hugging Peter. And let me tell you, I’m still not sure what he felt, if anything. That’s another wierd thing… I’m sure my feelings are returned at least somewhat… but anywho.

Also through the year we danced once, and then there was that other little incident… I still don’t understand it. I’d gotten back from rock climbing – I was totally gross and sweaty, wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants. I looked horrible. He hadn’t been allowed to go with us because he was too young (isn’t this ironic), but was there when we returned. He still gave me a huge hug, despite my appearance and smell. But with that hug he included the sweetest thing I have ever felt in my life – a very gentle, loving kiss on my neck.

It was strange. I was forced to totally stop hugging Peter in order to prevent something strange happening. I mean, he IS a pk, and I didn’t want his parents thinking I was going after someone that young. (Even if I wanted to.) The point is, I loved it…

Last summer I spent a week with the entire family at my favorite place in the world. I felt like a member of the family, and had already gotten my thoughts about him straightened out. It was soo cool to have such a big family – I treated him like a little brother, and he treated my as another sister. His parents, my ministers, still call me their “other daughter”. (They have two girls and two boys already.) I love them to death!

Ohhh… And I did find out that his birthday is in early May. If you do not know what this means, I will explain. He is going into 8th grade, which should mean he turned 13 this year. But he turned 14 in May. He may be 3 GRADES younger than me, but is only 2 YEARS younger.

Anyway, I haven’t really seen much of Peter this year. His numerous girlfriends (no doubt the cause being his absolutely gorgeous self – he looks like a high school kid) made me a little jealous, but I’ve maintained my distance. I made a resolve last year that I could not act upon my feelings for a very long time. I figure in 5 years he’ll be a freshman in college, and I’ll be a senior. That age difference somehow doesn’t seem quite as bad. It’s strange, because somewhere in the back of my mind and throughout my heart I know I’m going to marry him. I love his family, but that’s not the point… I love him.

The problem is we both have so much more maturing to do… especially him. So while I do love him, he has to settle down into whoever he is, and he could completely change in a year.

I’ll go back to what I said earlier about him showing signs that he feels what I feel. At Cedar Point I did manage to receive several hugs. I felt that old feeling that I used to feel when I was around him…

Oh, did I mention that Peter is a drummer?? What is it with drummers???

Meanwhile I’m totally confused about everything in life. I usual do not even remember that problem – I’ve blocked it pretty effectively. But that just leaves space to think about Andy problems, friendships vs. more, and other people I won’t mention because it’s just so confusing.

You’ll all probably think I’m a slut after this entry, but I’m really not. I’m just so very confused. It’s like I said in the last entry – there are road blocks with everyone I ever find who I want to be close to. Peter is too young, Andy is too, well, Andy, plus he’s just a friend, Eric has Jess, and Jake lives in Missouri?, Gabe is a dropout and, um, he’s GABE, Erik has Emily and is, well, not morally like me, Steve I can’t get close to… I can’t win. I’ve decided this. There’s no winning in life. That’s a really long list isn’t it… wow I’m a dork. As far as serious was concerned, I can’t count half of those because I was just desperately grasping at any hope. (There was none.) Gabe, Erik, and Steve were all just out there… and I guess you could put Andy on that list too, as we’re not supposed to be anything but friends.

Ok, this is a really bad entry. I’ll just leave it back where I began. Peter.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl.