hello goodbye and in between

 They say life is a series of beginnings and endings.  Seasons change with one flowing into the next. It is rarely painful. It is just happens as it was meant to, the way it always has.

People on the other hand are a completely different matter altogether. When new people come into our lives it is exciting, joyous even. The time is spent with discovering all the things that make us individuals and the lovely things that bind us together.  It is fresh and new and you can’t possibly have preconceived notions because you only just met.

Some of these friendships truly will stand the test of time. You can be yourself, flaws are accepted and secrets are shared. There are even those rare wonderful friends who applaud your strengths and relish in  your victories almost as if they were their own.

Time is immaterial. It seems as if you have always known each other and always will. These special relationships seem woven into the very fiber of your being. They are a part of who you are. It seems beyond comprehension that they would leave you.

In my experience (limited though it may be) people almost always leave. They discover you aren’t the sort of person they want to spend time with, and that is fine. Life is about choices. There are those who want to change you to suit their own purposes or maybe just insure that you fit into their idea of who you should be.

The people who want to rework your DNA are dangerous to your emotional well being. They profess love and respect but in reality they only truly approve of you when you are content to exist inside the box of their expectations. They want you to sit down, be quiet unless you mirror their opinions.

Then there are those who leave not because they choose to, but because it is time.  Death does not play fair. It does not choose those who are truly deserving of leaving this world. Often times it rips away the very best of us leaving only an ugly gaping wound and tears that won’t stop flowing. It is true that over time the sweetness will temper the bitter but that is a long painful process.

I think the most painful ending of all is when someone simply decides (for whatever reason) that you are simply not worth the effort. Some are kind enough to actually tell you "Goodbye" and to give an explanation of sorts. This is heartbreaking to be sure but at least it puts things into some sort of perspective. It doesn’t leave you wondering.

The people who truly crush your spirit are those who just vanish. There is no goodbye, no reason. The endless questions plague your mind. One can’t help but feel that perhaps something awful happened, a tragic accident or a family emergency. It is too painful to contemplate the possibility that someone you consider to be a dear a friend has simply chosen to walk away from you. This friend has made a conscious determination and decided that you are expendable. The parting was not painful or difficult for them, in fact they never looked back. There is serious doubt as to whether you even rate a mention in their memory.  That is the saddest thought of all. While this person still holds a special place in YOUR heart, you have irrefutable proof that the same is not true for them.

I have experienced the gamut of late. My heart is filled with new friendships and the wonder of discovery. There are cracks and fissures left by those who pulled up stakes and left me, whether through choice or not. I am working diligently on being grateful for having known each and every one of them. I can honestly say that there are a few that I would love to return the favor, to wound them just a bit so they can feel my pain. But following on that thought is the realization that I truly would welcome them back with open arms. They are my friends after all.  Some I know that I won’t see again as long as I call this place my home. I must cling to the promise and the hope that I will see them again.  I can only make certain that I am true to myself and hope and pray that is enough for the people who come into my life to help me continue on my journey.