wounded spirit

 Life seldom goes the way we want it to go.  I have been struggling with depression for months. I have somehow kept putting one foot in front of the other but not much more than that.

The boys are out of school for the summer. We survived another year. When it starts up again we will have a Junior and a Senior. That is hard to believe. I am almost hopeful that Sam has turned a corner. We took him to stay with his oldest brother in Georgia for the month of June hoping that time and distance will cool things off with his present girlfriend. She is not good for him in any way. This is not just a mother talking. The changes in his personality were frightening. At least since he has been with Rick, Sam is once again engaging in conversation instead of giving grunted responses and walking away.

Ben has a full time job for the summer working on transmissions. He is exhausted but the experience is really good for him. He is doing a great job and learning new skills. I am very proud of him.

Mama has kept to her pattern of "Ya’ll should come see us" but there is no heart behind it. When I do call her I know that she has me on speaker and that her new husband is listening to every word of our conversation. I feel violated and know there is no confidentiality between us. Then I heard that she had made the statement that she would not be coming back to "the hillside". This was made in reference to her seeing her former sister in law and her husband. What she failed to realize was that I live on that same hillside too. So if she will never come back here (to the home she shared with my daddy, where we were raised etc) then she won’t be making the effort to see ME. I am expected to come to her. I made the effort on Mother’s Day and on her birthday. I went to their house for a little visit and took her gifts. I feel ill every time I go there. The deepest hurt is knowing that mama will travel over an hour out of her way to see my sister and her family but won’t drive 10 minutes to see me. Something shrivels up inside of me every time that fact is brought to my attention.

My niece flew in from Wisconsin to stay with us for about ten days. She is riding back with us when we go up there for vacation at the end of the month.  We were watching a movie and the phone rang. It was Michael. We haven’t heard from him in over two months. His phone had been turned off and I had no way of contacting him. All I could do was wait. When he does finally call he informed us he wanted to come home. Apparently the people he was living with were not "good people". This is almost amusing because these are the same people he was raving about when he asked me to haul all of his possessions to Montgomery so he could live with them. I drove down there (by myself) and that was the last time I saw him.

The conversation last night did not go as he wanted. He expected me to cave in (as I always do) but my heart has been bruised and battered so much that I just tossed the phone to my husband. That really didn’t go well. Michael hung up on his daddy.

Then the texts started. They went from pity seeking to threatening. The most manipulative and hateful threats you can imagine. Most were along the lines of "if you don’t help you, you can forget about ever hearing from me again" and "the cops will call if I’m dead" etc. These were all aimed at the deepest fears a parent has about their kids. They were calculated to hurt. He was successful. My husband told him that we love him, always have but that he has to grow up and be responsible for himself. He told him when he was ready to be humble in spirit and talk TO us not AT us that we would listen. I feel like my heart has been decimated. He is still in the Army Reserves (the biggest mistake EVER due to the fact that he apparently has the emotional maturity of a keg) and there are no drugs involved. He is just self centered and immature.

I am to the point that all I can do is trust my husband. This "tough love" stuff is an alien concept to me. I suppose Michael will continue to use us (especially me) until there is nothing left. He has hurt me deeply. Every single contact with him has me holding my breath, waiting for the next "blow". Deep down I KNOW the only reason he calls is because he wants/needs something. All I want is to KNOW that he is safe. All I ever wanted was to love him.