just a hot mess

 My thoughts, my whole life if I am honest, has been like that tangled hot mess you find at the bottom of a sewing basket after it has been tossed down the stairs.  Today would have been my daddy’s birthday and ever since he died this time of year is especially difficult for me. I find myself suddenly tearing up at the most inopportune times. There are no words to explain it so that strangers don’t look at me as if I have lost my mind. All I can say is that I miss him. You would think that the pain would be somehow less due to the passage of time. The sharp searing pain I feel every minute of the day lets me know that is not the case.

To make the ache even more keenly felt, mama is engaged to be married. I have always wanted her to be happy and my feelings have not changed. I do regret that she seems to have discarded me somewhere along the way. I know that I am not over dramatizing because people who do not know us that well have commented. She still has contact with my sister and brother but has not spent more than 2 hours in my presence since she was released from the hospital several months ago. It is telling that two major holidays have passed and she still did not spend time with me or my family. I understand that the relationship she has with her future husband is new and that it is exciting to be planning a future.

I have always known that mama has a special bond with my sister, that they are kindred spirits. I also know that my brother is her baby and the only son so their relationship is unique. Maybe I really am just feeling sorry for myself. It is hard to be objective.

My husband has pointed out that I am still grieving for daddy (which is true) and that I am now being forced to grieve for something that I always wanted but won’t have, which is a close relationship with my mother. I have always done my best to be there for her, to help her in every way I possibly could. Maybe by doing all of that I was subconsciously trying to win her affection. That sounds crazy because I know she loves me I just don’t think she "likes" me very much. The fact that she can go for months without having a real conversation with me when she makes it a point of talking to my sister several times a day speaks volumes.

I did warn you that this was a hot mess. The only real glimmer of hope that I have been given was when my husband took my hand and told me that I would always have him, that I was his "favorite" and that we were in this together.

Slowly (even though it still hurts) I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the woman I swore I knew is not there. The personality changes have been dramatic. There are things she always swore she would NEVER do and now doesn’t think twice about doing. There are people that she always avoided like the plague because they were just "strange" but are now her bosom friends. There are also those who stood beside her during her grief and then her illness that she has discarded due to their being too "clingy".  Keeping up with all the changes gives me a headache.

So I am doing my best to let go. It is a work in progress. Some people have told me that I HAD to lay it all out and let her know exactly how I felt. I don’t see that it would do anything other than cause a wider rift. I love her and want her to be happy. Period. I have my own family to worry about. So that is what I am trying to do. I love my mother but I am learning to do that without all of the "neediness". She has her life and I have mine. I can’t change her, not even a little bit. I have my hands full just dealing with ME. 

I don’t "think" I am in danger of jumping in front of a bus. Life is messy. Some messes I can prevent or lessen and some I can’t do a blessed thing about other than grab a mop and a bucket after the tears are dry. 

This may not have made a lick of sense but my give a damn is broken. I either need duct tape or kick boxing lessons in case someone tosses that sewing basket down the stairs again.