Innocence DESTROYED

Pain must be an excellent teacher. I say that with conviction due to the fact that it seems to accompany most of life’s lessons. Experience and time are necessary for growth and wisdom. There are some lessons that I would spare my children. It really doesn’t seem fair. Why must I stand by and watch while their innocence and trust is knocked away in huge chunks like marble beneath the tools of a sculptor? Apparently I still have a few rough edges as well because the blows of that hammer are insistent. The bite of the chisel is sharp.
My youngest son witnessed a fight between two of his female "friends" several months ago. In a world ruled by common sense and reason that would have been the end of it. The girls would have taken their "lumps" and it would have been over. In our enlightened age where no one wants to take responsibility for their own actions the parents got involved. Harsh ugly words were exchanged on both sides. I understand wanting to protect your child. I really do. This became something else altogether.
The authorities were contacted. Witnesses were interviewed. Statements were taken. Rumors were swirling around the neighborhood. I tried to ignore them, hoping it would all just go away. Nothing is ever that simple. The situation was even more tense because of the two parties involved. One of the girls is from a family that lives up the road from us. To put it in the most benign terms possible, they are not nice people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Circumstances (before and after this incident) have removed the possibility of doubt. The other girl is the daughter of my parent’s neighbor. The girl’s father was a pallbearer at daddy’s funeral. I have known this man since I was 6 years old. We went to school together. I "knew" him. I had watched the way he treated people in school. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he treated my daddy well. I should have gone with my gut. As I mentioned before, pain is a good teacher.
The people up the road hired an attorney. The neighbor hired one as well. Then one day the phone rang and I heard Sam talking. When he handed the phone to me I was shocked. It was the attorney for the people up the road. He wanted Sam to testify on their behalf. I couldn’t hear much more due to the roaring in my ears. I took his number down and then I phoned my husband. A short while later my husband phoned me and said he had spoken to the attorney. He asked him why he spoke to our son without our permission and why he had did so without our being present. Our son is 13 years old. The attorney’s excuse was, "I didn’t expect to reach Sam and when I did I "forgot" how old he was and just started talking to him." My immediate response was, "Did you miss the first day of law school? Maybe you got your law degree from a gumball machine." The gist of the situation was that he wanted Sam and if we refused he would get a subpoena. My husband’s response was, "You do that."
Several days later the neighbor’s daughter called Sam wanting him to come down to their house. Sam thought nothing of it and went down. When he came home he was trembling and pale. It seems that he had been summoned by the parents (in a very sneaky, roundabout way) so they could "talk to him". What they wanted was to get him to change his statement. My husband had phoned them the day the statement was taken and told them straight up that Sam said he saw their daughter "throw the first punch". Their response was "We just want him to tell the truth." They weren’t interested in the truth unless it was their version. They basically called Sam a liar. That is hard to hear but when you are a child and have two adults in your face (adults that you have known your whole life and that you trusted I might add) it is even worse. Sam said he doesn’t really remember what he said to them but that they finally let him leave. From that moment on the gloves were off as far these people were concerned. How DARE they?
Weeks went by with no word from either side. I just wanted it to go away. Nothing is ever that simple. Tuesday a man knocked on our door and Sam was "served". He had to appear in court on Thursday. I really appreciated the "notice". I took Sam to the juvenile court building and was shocked to find that not only was he going to have to face the trauma of testifying but we were all (both sides) herded into one large room to wait. From 8:30am until 3:30pm we sat and waited. For the entire 8 hours the "neighbor" stared at Sam. It was not an absent minded glance. It was a full on hostile stare. I felt it too.
The attorney kept saying, "You don’t have a dog in this fight. Your testimony is crucial." Well thanks to this "still wet behind the ears" attorney my son was cross examined in a room full of strangers other than a parent representing both sides. I wasn’t allowed in the room because he was contemplating calling ME as a witness! A man that moved into a rental property next door to us (that just so happens to belong to the other "neighbor") was there as well. Amazingly enough this man was testifying that he had witnessed the whole altercation. I find that really incredible due to the fact that he wasn’t living there when the fight took place! It is really enlightening to discover what price some people place on their personal integrity. I guess some people think it is worth a couple months free rent. I don’t "KNOW" that for sure but I do find it questionable to say the least.
The neighbor’s daughter won her case at the end of the day. It was a sad commentary on our legal system. One side appeared in court looking less than presentable and the other side looked like they stepped out of an advertisement for the "all American family" representing the high end of the upper middle class. The neighbor was working the room like a seasoned politician. He knew almost everyone in the court system it seemed. He treated everyone (even the father of the opposing side) to a bit of his time and personal brand of "I’m a great guy. You may now kiss my ring." Well everyone but us that is. We only got the "stare".
In a decent world Sam would have been protected, placed somewhere without the scrutiny and hostility. I should have been able to insist on it. I was just as vulnerable and unsure of my rights as Sam was. Two days notice is not enough time to hire an attorney or even explore what your rights are in this situation. I think that was by design. When the verdict was read the "winners" were given a hero’s escort from the building. We were left twisting in the wind among an angry mob. Threats were flying through the air like the blows that started this whole mess. The "loser" had her cell phone taken away, her computer privileges revoked (to be monitored by the courts), has to attend anger management/alcohol education and might even be removed from the home.
Someone will have to explain this to me. There were TWO girls rolling around in the grass in my front yard. Both were guilty of sending goading, threatening text messages for several hours before the fight. How does one walk away with NO consequences other than a day’s vacation from school while the other has the book thrown at her? It is not right, forget about being fair. I have nothing for either one of these girls and even less for their families. But if one gets punishment the other should receive the same treatment.
For the months of stress and anxiety my son received a school excuse stating only that he had been to "juvenile court" without stating the reason why. This leaves the impression that he was there for a reason other than being compelled to testify. I have had a headache for 5 months and a permanent knot in my stomach. Sam and Ben (who was not involved at all) were told yesterday that they were not allowed back at the neighbor’s house because "Sam had lied". What happened to we just want him to tell what he saw, regardless of the consequences? "We just want him to tell the truth." I guess they meant they just wanted him to LIE FOR THEM.
Good riddance. I hate that my son has learned that some people place such a low price on their word and that sadly some people couldn’t find honor in the dictionary! Telling the truth does hurt some times. Things don’t always "work out". They might work out for the best in the end but the "right now" can totally SUCK for a long time. Telling the truth can cost you "friends" although I know they were never really friends. Sometimes a shiny stone is just a piece of glass. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror is extremely important. I wish I didn’t have to explain to him that he might have to blink away the tears to do it.
I know that our legal system is the best in the world. Intellectually I know this. Emotionally I think it leaves a lot to be desired. I understand the impulse to look the other way. Taking a stand, becoming "involved" can cost you dearly. The truth shall set you free. I never knew that meant free of friends and peace of mind. Watching your child’s innocence be stripped away is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. Being forced to stand there, powerless unable to prevent it is even worse. I am supposed to protect my children. That is my job. That is the minimum standard of parenting. "Protect your child" and you are an acceptable parent.
I am so disillusioned and angry that I can hardly form a coherent thought. I do know that neither side is spared in the blame for all this hurt. I sincerely hope that none of these people ever find themselves intimately acquainted with the reality of "being on fire" only to realize that I am the one holding the garden hose. I am honest enough to acknowledge that I would turn my backyard into a lake before they would ever feel the first drop.