blindsided

The last few weeks have stressful beyond comprehension. Michael finished his credit recovery in two weeks which gave him all the requirements to graduate. That was a hectic period but at least it is over. I now have three graduates. I have a sneaky feeling that the next two might be the death of me.
The stress (which is ongoing) was the direct result of a betrayal. Betrayal is devastating on every level. It destroys everything it touches. Sometimes one brief moment can lay waste to a relationship that took years to build. I have always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, until they no longer deserve it. With strangers you are naturally cautious. Family and close friends are granted trust and therefore the potential for hurt is greater. This is common sense.
When the betrayal comes from someone you love deeply it is totally unexpected. It is the equivalent of being completely blindsided. It drives the breath from your body while it breaks your heart and wounds your spirit. Before I leave the wrong impression, the betrayal was not committed by anyone in my immediate family.
I love this person deeply. The relationship had deepened and become much sweeter during the last three years. Before distance made anything other than a superficial relationship almost impossible. The last year meant that we (meaning my daughter and I) had a "errand buddy" for our weekly grocery shopping. There were movie nights where we all piled up on my bed and laughed ourselves silly. I will miss it very much.
An apology has been made, although the depth of the regret truly felt is in doubt. Lauren and I both have given our forgiveness as it was a betrayal of us both. Personally I would rather tangle with a pit viper than try to gain my daughter’s forgiveness. Once her trust is violated it takes years to gain it back, if it is even possible. She has a high moral code. Honor and loyalty are alien concepts for some people.
After the apology was given (as half-hearted as it seemed to be) Lauren said, "I forgive you but the relationship is broken. It will take you years to regain my trust, if you are able to at all. The relationship will never be the same as it was. We MIGHT be able to build some sort of relationship but once something is broken it is weak. Right now I need time to process all of this. I want you to leave me alone."
I was a bit more lenient in that I gave a hug but inside my heart was bleeding. It still is. I am a naturally open and trusting person. I don’t want to live my life with walls around my heart.  At this moment I almost want to order the brick.
The boys are no longer grounded. Sam has been spending time with Michael before he leaves for basic training on Tuesday. Michael can’t be in the same room with Ben without one of them starting something so it is best if they just stay out of each other’s way.
Michael got his driver’s license on Wednesday. I think I have developed a permanent headache and I have a suspicious twitch in my left eye. I need a serious vacation. I close my eyes and I am in a cottage perched on a cliff overlooking the ocean. I have a roaring fire to fight the dampness in the air. A steady rain is falling and it sounds like music as the drops dance on the roof.  The roar of the ocean is hypnotic, the continuous pounding of the waves against the rocks below strangely soothing. I snuggle deeper into the blankets and allow the symphony of wind and water lull me to sleep.