stumbling forward

I made it through another painful milestone. Daddy’s birthday was on the 8th. I knew that it would be especially painful for mama. As much as my heart aches I know that her pain is much deeper. She lost her sweetheart, her constant companion through the last 44 years. All I can do is hug her and let her talk. I did go and buy her a few little things (shower gels and a robe) for "daddy’s birthday". She smiled at that. I had to tell her that "I honestly don’t think daddy would mind. I can see him give that shrug and then that smile that was uniquely his". That made her smile a bit more wistful but I could tell that she appreciated the gesture.   Daddy’s cousin took mama (and Lauren) to lunch and to a few shops to help her through the day. Daddy’s cousin was a favorite childhood playmate. He was much older and still took the time to teach a little girl how to make "May Pop dolls" from the May Pop flowers that grew wild on the hill behind our house. He will forever have a special place in my heart because of the fact that he tried to take care of all of us while daddy was passing. He brought food and just visited with us. I remember taking a nap on mama’s bed so that I could reach through the railing and rest my hand on daddy’s chest because I wanted to feel his heart beating. Kenny sat beside daddy and just talked. He talked a bit louder than necessary and went on about silly, inconsequential things. I pretended to be asleep because I just couldn’t deal with anything else. I just wanted to be with daddy. Then right before Kenny left the room he leaned down and told daddy that he loved him. That was one of the most precious moments of my life. Kenny gets brownie points for the duration for that single act. Lauren was not thrilled to discover that she has a new nickname, "LuLu" thanks to Kenny. He has given all of my children new nicknames but I can’t remember all of them. I just told Lauren to suck it up, that she can deal with a silly name that was given as a gesture of affection. It could surely be worse. 
They finished off their day with a quick trip to the cemetery. Mama did not feel the need but she didn’t mind. We know that my daddy is not there. I don’t feel an irresistible pull to turn in when I drive past the cemetery. It really is just a stone garden to me. I prefer to walk in to mama’s living room where daddy spent so much time. I can close my eyes and actually "feel" him there in the room. The same can be said for his bedroom. The room looks very different now. If one didn’t know the history of the room they would think it was simply a ladies bedroom. I can see the hospital bed, hear the oxygen, remember daddy’s hugs. I can even smile when I remember the king-sized bed that mama and daddy shared before he got sick. Daddy is truly "imprinted" on every inch of that house, the entire property really. I am a pretty big mess at the moment. I really miss him. I didn’t realize how close to the edge I was until Michael took his daddy aside and told him to "take her somewhere, do something before she explodes". Of course it could be that he is being a bit of a pin head lately and just wants to divert attention away from his antics. 
Lauren has gone to see if she can "steal" Allie for a few hours. It has been several days and we are both needing to focus on something other than ourselves. I miss the little munchkin. I want baby kisses and sweet smelling cuddles. It makes me smile for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that my daddy would surely have adored that little girl. It helps, a little bit. At this point every little bit is appreciated.
Anyway…….Happy Birthday Daddy.