Holly Leaves and Christmas Trees

I realized recently that the majority of my entries have been more than a bit sad during the last months. I can’t and won’t apologize because that is my life. I am not wrapped in a cocoon of misery so don’t feel sorry for me. The tears do sneak up on me at the strangest times though. The other night mama phoned and I was trying to read something to her about being purified by the fires of life, how when we are at the lowest darkest points of our lives and feel the flames of pain and loneliness that it is shaping us into the person we were meant to be. I couldn’t finish reading because of the lump in my throat. The last few lines were about reaching out because somewhere out there is someone who needs you to help them through their own fire. 
Mama is having a difficult time this holiday season. Christmas has been bittersweet for over twenty years. On the 13th of December my grandfather died in 1985. Needless to say Christmas that year was a subdued affair for the entire family. We were like a rudderless boat set adrift. My grandfather was wisdom, security, adventure, laughter and most of all love. Daddy lost both of his parents within a six month period that year. I don’t know how he survived the pain. I suppose it is just another example of his strength.
I had always thought that Christmas was for children. I still think there is something magical about watching a child’s eyes light up when they see all the decorations and packages wrapped with brightly colored ribbons and bows. Seeing their excitement when they race to the tree on Christmas morning is even better. I think that is something precious and wonderful. But I will have to revise my opinion slightly. Christmas will always be special (albeit with a hint of bitter sweetness….hey even chocolate has to have something thrown in to mellow the sugary sweetness) but now I realize that it has always been about my daddy. Even when there was little or no money we all still wanted to give him something. I still do.
Shopping has been difficult this year. I have to go through the stores with blinders on and a list. I get distracted by all the things that daddy would have liked. Mama is in the same position only more so. She cries over Christmas cards. There should be TWO names not just the one. It hurts for her to write just "love, Margaret" or "love, mother". It will only get more painful the closer it gets to the actual day. It will go much the same as it has in all the previous years, except this year there will be this huge gaping hole that no amount of holiday "cheer" can fill. 
Mama will feel all the loneliness more keenly on the day after Christmas. That would have been their 45th wedding anniversary. Her life is busy now. She goes to church, to visit my brother and sister, and to parties and such. She is doing a lot of the things that she missed doing over the years. Daddy was not a social being. I think he was exhausted from working so hard but some of it was because he had learned to keep his guard up. When you are constantly on alert it can be exhausting. I guess he just felt safer at home. He never really tried to stop her from going out with her friends and such but she always felt bad about leaving him at home. She tells me all the time now, "I just miss the ol’ boy". 
She wasn’t sleeping very well. I gave her part of her Christmas present early. I wanted her to actually be able to use it all season long. I took it over and put it on her bed for her. She just kept saying "What is this?" and "You shouldn’t have." I think an electric blanket will keep her warm and toasty and just maybe she can relax and rest. I sure hope so. She deserves it.
We are feeling another loss as well. My granddaughter is going to be spending Christmas with her dad which means we probably won’t even be able to talk to her on Christmas day. My husband was devastated when he heard the news and more than a little bit vindictive. He went out shopping with one thing in mind, getting his message through to my daughter in law. He knows that our son Rick really has no say in the matter. All of his "ire" was directed at our daughter in law. I knew what he was planning but I was seriously hoping and praying that his shopping would be unsuccessful. Those hopes were dashed when he walked in and handed me a bag. My heart sank when I looked inside. It is truly disgusting. He purchased what can only be described as "doggie doo" on a keychain. He wanted to have a bag left on her doorstep but the logistics make that impossible. This little item is so life-like that if it was warm and foul smelling you would swear there was a canine somewhere in the immediate vicinity. I mean it even "jiggles" a bit. It is thoroughly "icky". He swore up and down that this was all she was getting from him this year. His reasoning was "It’ll teach her to take my Kaylee away during the holidays. Now I have no reason to shop." (As if the rest of us were not reason enough??) The kids got a huge kick out of throwing this disgusting object at each other. I can only reason that it is because they have not had to clean up enough of the real thing or they definitely wouldn’t find it amusing.
I do not harbor such intense emotions (although it does make me sad), or at least I try to keep it under control. I have made purchases and plan to ship them as soon as Rick’s "big" present arrives. I hope that it will be soon. Just when I think my husband is being a total toad he surprises me. Lauren and I were wrapping presents after another exhausting day of shopping. Ricky walked out of the room and then returned moments later. He casually tossed a small jewelers box onto the bed amid all the wrapping paper. Puzzled I picked it up and opened it. Inside was a beautiful white gold ring set with diamonds and sapphires. It was stunning. When I looked up at him he said, "Wrap that and put it in with the dog $hit." Something about the expression on my face must have said volumes because he felt the need to explain a bit further, "She still gets the dog $hit. I want her to know it is not okay to take that baby away from us during the holidays. I also want her to know we still love her." I don’t care that the man was a Marine Drill Instructor in a past life. He is a big softie now. 
I am almost finished with the shopping. Then I just want to hibernate for a while. Lauren has been a huge help to me, taking the boys to school and picking them up, helping clean house as well as being a shopping buddy.  I won’t tell you what each of them are getting. I have discovered in recent months that Lauren has been one of my few faithful readers since I started this diary. I don’t mind. In fact it makes me feel good that she wants to read what I have to say. She has commented that she prefers the "real" to the "fanciful". I told her to "Stuff it. It’s my diary. You get what you get." She just laughed. I have not made a secret about the existence of this diary. She is just one of the few that continues to read. I am glad that she feels comfortable enough to dig beneath the surface of "mom" so that she can understand me a bit better. According to her, I have made her laugh, see our family through new eyes, blush a bit, and cry. That is high praise. What more could I ask?
I do not know if I will make another entry before Christmas (although you never know) so I just wanted to share all the joys and heartache (along with rubber doggie doo) that are part and parcel of our holiday this year. I hope that each of you are able to spend the season with people that you love and if that isn’t possible, find someone else who is alone and spend it with them. Life is too short to spend it alone. Misery might love company but contentment and joy congregate in the same places. Merry Christmas!