so lost

The holidays are fast approaching. In years past it was a time of anticipation and excitement. This season will be different. While I still have more blessings than I could ever count (and certainly much more than I deserve) I am at a loss as to how I should feel. The central figure in our family gatherings was the gentle (albeit cranky at times) giant that held court from his recliner. After babies and screaming children, his was the first plate prepared at meal time. His favorite dishes are still on the menu but I don’t think I will be able to taste them, or swallow for that matter. You see I have this huge lump stuck in my throat. No one will be grabbing the little ones as they dash by so they can be smothered with hugs and kisses before falling asleep on the softest, safest "bed" in the house, my daddy’s chest. I have choked down countless tears and yet I still have a hollow feeling deep down in my soul. I go through the motions for everyone around me but I am just pretending. Just when I would swear that I have no more tears left I find my vision blurry once again. Everyone is irritable and there doesn’t seem to be an obvious reason why. I wish, oh how I wish, that the precious time we have with the people we love could be imprinted on our hearts and minds by something clearer and more certain than mere memories. Memories can fade. They are such fickle things, like rain drops, butterfly wings or dandelions. I want something steadfast and unchangeable. At this moment I can still hear daddy’s voice, his laughter. I can still feel the security of his arms around me, the warm strength of his hands. Almost every memory of my childhood involves him in some way. Some are a bit soft around the edges like a photograph that has been carried around in your pocket for a long time. I want all of my memories of him to remain sharp and as clear as the day they were made. This year when the family gathers I will have to take an extra moment to thank God for every single minute I was given with daddy. Everyone tells me that the pain will lessen with time. I can honestly say that if feeling this sharp biting pain keeps the memories fresh, I’ll gladly take it. In fact I would get in line twice.