7/21/07

Whats reflected ..s no longer what .. see ..n myself.

 .. thought .. had found someth..ng .. lost so long ago, the boy .. used to be.

The sk..n on my l..ps feel cracked. .. put on l..p balm, ..t t..ngles as .. feel ..ts cool sensat..on. Cold a..r blows from the w..ndow to the left of me. .. s..t qu..etly w..th l..ttle sound. The lamp next to me prov..des a subtle amount of heat. They balance each other out l..ke a mathemat..cal equat..on. Too hot, so the cold a..r blows. Too cold, so the l..ght warms the cold a..r. ..t ..s warm, but .. am not. .. am lost ..ndef..n..tely. .. cannot help those .. care about nor do .. have the power to help myself.

.. am broken.

..t has been a long t..me s..nce .. told anyone any of my secrets. They feel dark, a part of my past that res..des deep w..th..n me. Nobody knows, because .. don’t th..nk anyone would understand. Maybe they would. But people seem less d..ssapo..nted ..n the person you are when they know so l..ttle about you. My arms conta..n scars of a l..fe that rema..ns engraved deep w..th..n me, but .. h..de the l..fe .. had, my face ..s my mask. .. am not what people th..nk .. am. .. am noth..ng.

.. h..de a shadow of my former self.

How could anyone love a boy l..ke me…

.. don’t th..nk they can. .. w..ll push them out of my l..fe, because ..t seems that ..s all .. can do to prevent myself from be..ng hurt . .. t..re of the pa..n, so .. w..ll do anyth..ng to prevent ..t. They w..ll see me as cold and callace, but .. am just try..ng to protect myself. Please understand, my ..ntent..ons were never to hurt anyones feel..ngs. But th..s ..s all .. can do to protect myself.

.. am…