Blue & Purple

Lately I’ve been examining my life and realizing what a mess I am.

All my imperfections or what I take to be imperfections have been making me insecure and self conscious ever since I found out that I was given a second chance at happiness. I know that I have something great so close to me yet my mind can’t help but stray into thoughts of loss, but I swear I’m trying my hardest not feel this way about things. Whats real is in front of me and the thoughts that consume me are simply a defense mechanism that my mind constantly plays over and over again in an attempt to stray from getting hurt.

But I know I’m just hurting myself in this process of constant worry.

I’m trying so hard to do everything possible to let myself be open and exposed to her, but its become nerve wrecking. Its easier when I’m actually with her to tell her about my life… Even if just in fragments. But even in fragments, theres parts that are linked together to create a whole. This is my life; a mess of fragments. All of it is simply segmented into pieces  and to understand much of it requires pieces that are linked together in images.

She knows about my life. She knows about me… I’ve told her and I don’t regret it

I can’t be happy everyday nor can I put on a fake smile everyday to pretend as if I were, she knows this but sometimes my mind tricks itself into believing that she doesn’t know these things and that she doesn’t know about my life, but she does… Its taken me all 6 years that I’ve known her to tell her.

I’m just trying my hardest to simply be okay in whatever sense the word means.